Top 5 Fantasy Sleepers Of 2016

sleeperI’m really good at Fantasy Baseball. I’ve got all numbers. In all of the leagues that mattered, I finished 2nd place. I’m like the Buffalo Bills of Baseball. That is if the Buffalo Bills had Clayton Kershaw and Zack Greinke. So naturally, Commissioner Buttface Zook told me to tone it down a notch this season. Because I’m really good at Fantasy Baseball and we need to make the game more fair for the people that are not as good at Fantasy Baseball than me, who is good at Fantasy Baseball. So let me give out some inside information for all of you chumps. Normally, I would grab these sleepers off the shelf like I was having a shopping spree at the Virgin Megastore, but instead, I’m going to be nice and reveal all of them to you.

I present to you the Top 5 Sleepers Of 2016, hand-picked by me, a guy that is really good at Fantasy Baseball.

5) Kyle Schwarber – C/OF – Chicago Cubs – 659% Owned

Upside: When it comes to hitting the ball hard, Kyle Schwarber is really good. He got 16 home runs and 43 RBIs in only 69 [heh] games. That would’ve put him on pace to hit like 69 home runs and get way laid. He’s also a Chicago Cub, which would give you a lot of hipster cred. We all need more hipster cred in the world of Fantasy baseball.

Downside: He ran into Dexter Fowler and went boom. I’m sure he’ll put a band-aid on it and do more of The Baseball!
2E4A899900000578-3311440-Reyes_32_was_arrested_for_abuse_of_a_family_or_household_member_-m-78_14471369054224) José Reyes – SS – Colorado Rockies – 43% Owned

Upside: You recognize that name, right? He’s really good. He has been playing since 2003, so that means that he knows a lot about The Baseball. He hit 7 home runs last year. How many home runs did you hit? He’s getting paid 22 million dollars per year. He has much more money than us, so therefore he is a better person than us, especially at The Baseball. This bozo named Trevor Story is trying to take his job, but he will prevail because Trevor is a stupid baby. In 2007, José stole 78 bases, which is more than you can say about Trevor Story. He was only 15 in 2007 and was more likely stealing candy from his local Ben Franklin store. More like Toy Story, amirite? You should pick up José Reyes because his name is recognizable and people like him playing The Baseball.

Downside: His wife has a big mouth.

3) Justin Morneau – 1B – Free Agent – 0% Owned

Upside: You ever hear of this guy? Probably not, because I always keep him for myself. This year, I decided to have mercy and not pick him up. He’s all yours! He had a batting average of over .310 the last 2 seasons. He was the NL batting champion in 2014, which is pretty cool. He’s also Canadian, so your team can have some racial diversity!

Downside: He’s going to be out till mid-season, recovering from elbow surgery. Also, he’s too good to be held down by a team at the moment.

095c20b5d6b353abe0331452fb62929b2) Tim Lincecum – SP – Free Agent – 1% Owned

Upside: Are you kidding me? Superfreak? This dude was designed for The Baseball! The kid has the devil in him! Literally, his dad sold his soul to Mr Satan himself so that Timmy could win 2 Cy Young Awards in a row. HOW COOL IS THAT?!? He’s been up and down the last few years, but he still gets a no-hitter every now and then. Also, rumor has it, he is growing his hair back. And you know what that means. BASEBALL!

Downside: Much like Justin Morneau, he can’t find a team to call his own. I guess teams frown upon satanism. It’s their loss, because satanism is perfect for The Baseball.

1) Jenrry Mejia – RP – New York Mets – 0% Owned

Upside: I’ve been watching this kid since he got called up and let me tell you, he is really good at The Baseball. He had 98 strikeouts over 93 innings in 2014. If you dew the math, that’s like over a strikeout per inning, dingus! On top of that, he had 28 saves. Kid is a born closer and I just know he has a bright future in front of him. Take it from me, I’m really good at Fantasy Baseball.

Downside: I’m not gonna lie, he has some drug problems. Big whoop, we all have drug problems! I am more than confident that he will either kick the habit or be cleared from all guilt. He’s a good kid, he just needs some guidance is all.

Honorable Mentions

Pablo Sandoval
Michael Bourn
Melvin Upton
Marlon Byrd
Adam LaRoche
Jeremy Giambi
Jurickson Profar
Mike Trout
Ichiro Suzuki
Kurt Suzuki
Yu Suzuki
Jedd Gyorko
Manny Ramirez

You’re welcome. Now go out there and do really good at Fantasy Baseball!