I’d Rather Alienate Tinderers [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum? Get out. It’s Friday, April 8, Two Thousand and Sixteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 46˚ & Pantone 311 and somewhere,

What do you want me to do, 311? Come original? The hell does that even mean?

To come original it ain’t nothin’ strange
You got to represent you got come full range
Full range of emotion full range of styles
When you come to town you’ll have them comin’ for miles

But wouldn’t original WANT to be strange? They’re saying that “original” is pretty normal and run of the mill. You have to, just, uhh…like…be able to perform a bunch of different shit. Like, not imprison yourself to a genre. 311 knows everything about this, because this song doesn’t sound anything like anything they’ve ever done. Every 311 song is a friggin snowflake. And if you can fit in a smooth jazz sesh in the middle of your death metal set, people will be coming from miles to see your show. But what’re the consequences for NOT doing this?

A warning to the crews out there who think they’re hot
If you’re not original rockers you will get shot

What was that, 311? You’re going to shoot me?!? This song was released a mere 5 months after Columbine. Did they really think it was a good idea to make death threats towards whack people in their Pop Punk Rasta Rap Original Song?

This is not a test there’s no time to mope
How you gonna cope with radioactive isotope

How would anybody cope with radioactive isotopes? What the hell is a radioactive isotope?

Radioactive isotope or radioisotope, natural or artificially created isotope of a chemical element having an unstable nucleus that decays, emitting alpha, beta, or gamma rays until stability is reached. The stable end product is a nonradioactive isotope of another element, i.e., radium-226 decays finally to lead-206.

Uh-huh. Cool elements, bruh. What is there to cope with? I had to take my investigation to the streets and ask people how they would cope with a radioactive isotope:

“I was a radio DJ in high school so was pretty radio active myself. Isotope is a brand of weed, right?” – Joey Z

“Wrap it in aluminum foil and stick it in the microwave for 45 seconds. That takes care of that.” – Amy Amy 

“With three shots of tequila, my MPC beat pad, and a pre-rolled blunt. Give it the biznast.” – Robby Nast

“I can’t even” – Brittany Spooky-Gohost

“Roll around like the pope & keep my folks on a short rope” – Young Blaha

“I dont know. Supposing i survived the effects… Probably because i was chriogenically frozen or something.. I would immediately begin searching for my missing son and definitely find a bunker to hunker down in and spend hours looting and scavenging and building a sick ass home base.” – Jaime Faustino

It seems that the general consensus [minus Brittany, who doesn’t count] is that it’s somewhat cope-able. Wait, why does 311 want us to cope with it? Do they own one of these isotopes? Will I ever stop asking questions? Probably. I have some things on my mind…

– I wrote a whole 7 minute set of new stand-up material yesterday. Then I went into my room, winked in the mirror and the mirror fell of the wall, breaking. So I re-wrote my opening line to, “I wrote a whole new set of material this morning, but then I immediately broke a mirror. So you guys are gonna love this 7 years from now”. What followed was my worst bombing ever. Superstitions are suck.

– I know it’s been a while since we caught up, so I’m going to tell you everything in one run-on sentence which begins with me being sick as a dog, a few weeks ago, I hadn’t been that sick in years and I blame all of it to quitting smoking but in any event, I spent my birthday being too sick to think and worrying endlessly about the adventure that I was going to go on 2 days later, which ended up going off without a hitch as I got “better” 2 hours before my flight, but my sinuses were still messed up, so I landed in Los Angeles with acute deafness and hunkered down in a Carl’s Jr for a good hour, just waiting for the decongestants to kick in and then proceeded to spend a couple of days with my best friends that I have barely ever met and had a collision with a van in an In n Out parking lot and subsequently got sick of driving and enjoyed the cute splendor of the LA Subway System and shit got blurry and I mentally crash landed in Portland where I again was not able to acclimate to the change of scenery and minor deafness that lingered and then I sat on a train for 3 days, not being able to digest anything mentally, was completely unproductive but simultaneously entranced by the rolling scenery which I stared at for days on end, rolled into Penn Station and then had the best set of my [short] career a half hour later and then proceeded to work 8 days straight of which the start of it and everything I just said feels like a distant memory, but I have no memory to fill in the in-betweens with the exception of watching too much baseball and feeling nostalgic for things that I know are long gone, such as youth, lost flames, messages I forgot to respond to years ago and the stylishness of cynicism, but all in all, I would say that I could be doing much worse while still hoping for much better and my hearing still isn’t 100% and it’s been over 4 months since my last cigarette and it still drives me insane and I just hope that I can get through this and hope that I can appreciate what’s coming to me and hope that in a time much sooner than later, I can look back at this sentence and laugh my ass off, so yeah, that’s what I’ve been up to lately, how about you?

– A lot of you are already used to seeing this, but let me unveil the new poster for The Friday Thoughts:

In true V A P O R A E S T H E T I C , my disembodied head is floating over the Dallas Skyline in an apparent ad for a Mini Disc Player in the disguise as a Sega Saturn game. And I’ve been also using it as part of my experiment. I’m only calling it an experiment because that sounds much better than Alienation Device/Vehicle. For the last few weeks, this has been the main picture on my Tinder profile. I have been extremely active during this time, usually maxing out my likes a few times a week. Since this picture has been in place, I have made a grand total of 1 match. And that match was to a bot. Honestly, I’m really disappointed. Both genders complain all the time that they’re sick of seeing run-of-the-mill pictures and profiles. You would think that something outlandish like this would pique the interest of at least one person. Did we all lose a sense of humor or individuality? Most likely. This is why I had the most luck on Tinder when my main picture was of me standing at the top of a mountain. I guess the same people that complain about the typical also rely on it for comfort. I am now hellbent on keeping this picture up. Somebody will eventually find this to be funny or stupid or whatever and that will be a person that I want to meet. It’s like waiting over a half hour for the bus. You could easily just take a cab or start walking, but damnit, I’ve been waiting for a half hour and this stupid bus is going to come eventually! That might explain why I get so anxious/nervous about/around women. I know I’m late, I’m just waiting for the bus. Until that bus comes, I’m just gonna keep on alienating Tinderers.

– This weeks edition of Ad Nauseous is brought to you by LG: Loser Gum.

This ad has been on my shit list all week. When you’re watching a baseball game on a Roku, it will be the only commercial that plays during every break. Just imagine listening to this song every 5 minutes for 5 hours. Please. Just imagine it. Good, now you’re as angry as me. What in the hell does a cell phone with a reloadable battery have to do with Jason Statham trying to be John Malkovich? Is it because the battery loads like a gun cartridge and Jason Statham uses guns? Then why is he dressed as a woman? And why is he riding on tops of bulls with fire extinguishers? WHY WOULD HE BE RIDING BULLS WITH FIRE EXTINGUISHERS?!? The ad doesn’t really upset me that much. If I saw it once, I’d be like “okay, cool, Statham sold out, whatever”. I’m moreso furious that the MLB would get so lazy with their programming. Just think, at any given time there might be hundreds of thousands of people using a Roku to watch their programming. That’s a whole lot of potential ad revenue that they’re not using whatsoever. If you’re going to run ads on your programming [that we paid a lot of money for, mind you], show some friggin variety. If not, then just don’t run them at all. Nobody appreciates this and sadly, I seem to be the only one speaking up about it. And seriously, why is he riding bulls with fire extinguishers?

– Try this trick over the weekend: Come original.

Have an original weekend, everyone!

-TeeCoZee