Free Wine Blog II: I Hope It’s Cherry 7-Up
This is not to be confused with a Free Wine Blog/A Wine Blog That Is Free. The wine is free, but the blog is going to cost you. Don’t worry, I’ll send you an invoice. Yes, by reading this disclaimer, you have already agreed to pay me. This also shouldn’t be confused with Shitty Wine Blog, which is the far superior blog of which I am lampooning. If you want better writing about terrible wine, go to that blog and disregard this one. Brittany actually knows what she’s talking about when it comes to kitsch beveraging.
I actually had 2 free bottles of wine this week. That’s just how I roll. The first bottle was a complete failure. The only notes I got out of it was that it made pierogies taste like nacho cheese, which still doesn’t make any sense at all. Thinking that maybe my short stint as a wine blogger was over, I opened up the free drawer and saw a hot little number that made my stomach churn.
Of course, it’s the Finca Hispana Garnacha Rosado D.O.P. Cariñena, like I know what that means. Let me try: Hispanic Fink Garlic Nacho Rosé Department Of Poop Carcinogen. That’s probably what it translates to. So this is a garlic nacho rosé that was an approved carcinogen from the Dept Of Poop, because Spain has one of those. But I was still left with a multitude of questions. Who is this lady on the bottle? Or is it a man? Why is there no screw cap? Everything about this bottle is begging for a screw cap. It wants one so bad that the foil over the cork almost looks like a screw cap. Where is this lady even standing? Is that the desert farm that this wine was made from? Is it sand wine? Why is it fizzing? No, seriously, why is it fizzing? Carbonated wine? Is it Cherry 7-Up? I sure hope it tastes like Cherry 7-Up.
None of these questions were answered.
– At first taste , I caught a hint of moldy raspberries that were accidentally splashed with cheap vanilla extract. This feeling didn’t really go away.
– At first smell, I caught nothing but booze. Sweet, cheap, rotgut booze.
– Upon further gulps, I had an overwhelming sense that I was drinking communion wine after already drinking. I have never been drunk in church, but I’m sure it feels like this.
– I paired it with pierogies [again] and got no nacho cheese sensation. Which sucks, because I was really banking on the garlic nacho aspect of this wine. The combination tasted like potatoes and moldy raspberries. Dag.
– By the end of the bottle, it tasted like I was chugging down gasoline. I guess that means that it’s working.
This wine’s earth feel is located in the suburbs of Orlando. Michelle couldn’t believe the terrible mistake she made. She only had a few options on where to go, due to the limitations of the witness protection program. Orlando seemed like the natural choice, because of the close proximity to Disney World. But now the kids want to go there every day, a luxury she can’t afford. Turns out, working 4 hours a day in a suit resembling the forgettable main character from A Bug’s Life not only brings confusion to the kids that are looking for head-liner animated celebrities, but also doesn’t warrant free passes for her kids. She also wonders if being in a costume all day is a really bad cover. Shoot. She should’ve chose Oklahoma City.
– I paired this wine with the baseball match up game between the Los Angeles Dodgers and San Diego Padres, which felt fitting. In the third game of the season, the Dodgers still have not allowed a run and concurrently, the Padres have yet to score a run. Watching the Padres struggle was much akin to my disdain every time I looked at my glass and saw that it was still practically full.
– In the 6th inning, I fell asleep and briefly had a dream that the girl on OkCupid that I sent a long ramble to last week finally responded. I woke up to the horrible realization that not only was that non-dream a dream, but also, the bottle wasn’t even half done.
– Once I got past the half-way mark, every gulp felt like needles going down my throat. I had never been more tempted to dump booze down the drain in my entire life. The woman on the bottle was stoically mocking me. She was challenging me to keep going.
– At some point, I made a hateful tweet to MLB TV on the account of them playing the same commercial over and over again. The annoying pop music made me want to smash the bottle over my head and I’m actually a little surprised that I didn’t.
– I somehow downed the rest of the bottle like an absolute boss and then promptly went to bed without plugging my phone in or setting an alarm clock. End result: I woke up earlier than usual feeling refreshed and overjoyed to be sober.
Finca Hispana Garnacha Rosado D.O.P. Cariñena: It will help you wake up in the morning!