I Traveled Back In Time. It Was Kind Of Lame.

It doesn’t take much to see that we live in very difficult times. Corporations are rich as hell, these devices called “guns” are wiping out our population, people are having other people pop right out of their bodies [after which, they have to “raise” them [or raze?]] and we all have to give money to The Man because of this thing called “taxes”. It’s no surprise that we look back to yesteryear with fond memories. Sinatra did it, as did Springsteen, hell, even your parents have most likely done this from time to time.

But this generation of 20/30somethings has taken nostalgia to the next level. We all look back at the 90’s through rose-colored glasses and it’s inescapable. You can’t even log into Facebook without seeing pictures like:

Arnold copy



Of course I wish I knew what Arnold’s last name was! Of course I recognize Eddie Murphy and Jimmy Carter! We all do! It doesn’t make us any better at being human! This “raised in the 90’s” mularky has gone too far. Our ego romanticizes the past because we already have clear and good memories of ourselves being present in it. I’m sure immortals enjoyed different eras than what we would.

In any event, it was time for me to show these chuckleheads what’s what. After hours of negotiation, I convinced Zook to travel back in time with me. There was a lot of things to take in account in preparation, such as:

a. Will this make us late for work?
b. What will our parents think?
and c. Should we pack food?

We decided it would be best to stop overthinking it [as it causes brain wrinkles] and just go ahead and do it.

9854067215_b8af80c3c9 I won’t bore you with the details of how we got there. We all know how time travel works, yadda, yadda, yadda [HEY! That was from the 90’s!]. So there we were, 1994, Times Square, Hells Kitchen, The Windy Orange. There was so much to do, so much to see, but then we realized that it all kind of looked the same. The Samsung logo turned into TDK. The buildings are still there. The people are still hideously attractive. How did we even end up in Times Square? I shrugged it off and went to get a slice at the authentic NYC Pizza Bistro, Sbarro, when I came to a horrible realization:

We forgot to go to the ATM.

We were stuck in 1994 without a penny to our names. Our options became drastically limited. We racked our brains.

“Quick, what was so good about 1994?”

“I went to Disney World”

“You’re not you, dummy. Guess again”

“The Rangers won the Cup?”

“That was 6 months ago. Umm…there was a bunch of cool stuff on TV?”

“We don’t have a TV”

“What the hell are we supposed to do without a TV?!?!? It’s 1994!!!”

It went on like that for hours. We realized that all of this 90’s nostalgia is based solely on the fact that TV was better, so we might as well make some TV of our own. We stole a Camcorder [Which was widely accepted in 1994. The guy just kind of smiled and let us go.] and jumped the subway turnstiles [Which was also widely accepted. Even Yuppies were doing it]. Below is the document of our journey:

We ended up catching the Holiday Nostalgia Train. It’s a set of train cars that were in service from the 1930’s through the 1970’s. This blast from the past was exactly what we needed to get us through our time traveling blues. It all started to make sense. Nostalgia should not be resented, as it’s an essential part of our human condition. If you reminisce back to a time, it’s likely that inside that moment you are reminiscing about a time before that. And it always goes on like that because it makes you feel good or something. With that in mind, we enjoyed the rest of our trip immensely, as we reflected back on a life that we didn’t live. We even stopped at Shea Stadium, but nobody was there [because of the fact that it was December  Strike].

We returned home with a different perspective. Even though 90’s meme posts are annoying as hell, we might as well let them be. For someday, they will be making memes looking back on the memes they made about the 90’s. And that will also be fine. Without our memories, we have nothing. I’ll probably never go back to 1994 again. Something about it didn’t feel like home to me. But at least I got to take home this wicked Camcorder!