I’d Rather Live On The Corner Of Secks St and 4th Base Blvd [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

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Good Moleman. I’m going to start saying that every week because shut up. It’s Friday, December 11, Two Thousand and Fifteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 57˚ with Pantone® 290 C™ skies and somewhere, somebody is getting hit in the face with a pie. He doesn’t know why it’s happening or what he did to deserve such a fate, but he knows a little bit about statistical quotas. For example, if somebody becomes homeless every 10 minutes and if there’s no candidate at the deadline, then some random house will catch fire. And since Stat King Coze claims that somebody gets a pie to the face every time someone reads this paragraph, then 6 random people will get pied today. That’s just how the universe works. At least it’s Huckleberry Pie. I also have some things on my mind.

– Donald Trump was in the news today. Did you guys hear about this? It turns out, Donald Trump was in the news today.

– Tickets for the Ween reunion went on sale this week. This posed as a rare bucket list opportunity for me. For a good portion of my life, I’ve had a strong desire to try to get a ticket right when it goes on sale. I’ve always fantasized about camping outside of a Ticketmaster agency, eating Sonic O’s with meatballs out of the can, being the third in line and getting my coveted ticket, much to a chagrin of everyone behind me in line. Man, that would be awesome. But the game has changed. Everything is done on computers. Digital computers. The playing field is no longer fair. Pre-sale tickets went up for grabs for Amex card holders yesterday and here’s how it went down:

12:00:00 – Loading
12:00:02 – Select ticket amount
12:00:03 – Hit Enter
12:00:05 – Enter security code
12:00:06 – Loading
12:00:07 – SOLD OUT

FUGG. DAT. SHEET. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

And that’s with a 4 ticket maximum. Sold out in 7 seconds. My internet is simply not fast enough to buy tickets. I feel cheated. This is why I don’t typically like things that a lot of people like. This system is totally flawed, catering to those that have strong broadband and [probably] programs to take up all the tickets at once, with 500 different credit cards. If it were at a real booth, it would’ve went down like this:

1: Give me, err, 30,000 tickets.
2: That’ll be $950,000, please.
1: Look, the thing about that is, I only have $10 on me. Can I pay you the rest later?
2: Sure.

It just seems a little odd to me that minutes after they sold out, there were already hundreds of tickets up on StubHub, being sold at a 300% markup. Tickets go on sale to the general public at noon and I guarantee it’ll be the same case. And I’m not really mad at the system. I’m moreso mad at Ween’s management. They know there is a strong demand to see them perform, why would they settle on playing at Terminal 5? There’s only a capacity of 3,000. Instead of doing 3 nights there, they could’ve tried one night at the Garden and doubled the total ticket sales. Then, it could’ve sold out in 14 seconds instead of 7. But then again, I don’t know how the music industry works…

– I was filing somebody’s paperwork yesterday and saw that he lives on Cumming St. I asked him if the cross-street was 69th, he said “Nope, but look it up”.

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Oh dear God. No. Just no. Can’t be. No! I was trying to look up an address and all I found was porno, porno, porno! Who in the hell named the streets in Inwood?!? I thought Dyckman was on the verge of being perverted enough [especially when intersecting with Seaman], but there’s a corner of Seaman and Cumming?!? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!? Is the neighborhood swarming with Howard Stern fans? Was Splooge St already taken? I can’t. I just can’t. Let’s move on.

– Seriously?!?!? Seaman and Cumming?!?!? UGH! Wait, it’s in Inwood. IN WOOD. As in, Wood In. As in, “I’d like to put my wood in her”. As in, “I’d like to put my wood in her for sex”. As in, “I’d like to put my wood in her for sex, because I’m in Inwood, noam sain? High five! Sex!”. This is why I never go north of 59th St…

– The weather has been really disorienting lately. Yesterday morning, I walked around the neighborhood in a T-Shirt. I don’t even do that in the summer! It’s odd wearing a T-Shirt and going by stores that are blasting Christmas Music. There’s definitely holiday cheer in the air, but the real air [the air that matters] is getting itself ready for Memorial Day. The trees are ugly as balls, the trash is still plentiful and nobody can make a decision on what to wear. This must be what living in LA is like. Despite living out Al Gore’s prophecy, I somehow have a cold. Thought I’d be able to cover it up and fight it off with NyQuil/whiskey/self-denial, but I think it’s a Cold™. How can this be? I drink plenty of…MALK?!?

– This weeks edition of Ad Nauseous is brought to you by Bud Light: The Sure Sign Of A Good Time™ Here We Go®:

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Is that what Giants fans do? Shout “Go Big Blue”? Also, where in the hell are they? Are they tailgating? Back it up, so, these people look like Manhattanites. I understand that it’s probably racist and classist, but let’s just assume that they live on the corner of Seaman and Cumming. These people loaded up a couch [no, wait, 2 couches] and a giant tent, drove it through New Jersian swampland, so that they can sit in a parking lot and drink Bud Light. Here’s the kicker, though. They are obviously watching the game, or else Bud Light wouldn’t encourage them to show “Go Big Blue”. So, they also brought a TV and a generator, so they can sit in couches in a [cold?] parking lot [that they had to pay money to get to/stay at]. Those crazy Manhattanites. Why wouldn’t they just watch the game at home? What is the benefit of going to the stadium if you’re not going to the game?!? Plus dealing with the pain-in-the-face traffic? Are Giants fans really that masochistic? I also have to point out that everyone is wearing Chuck Taylors. Is that the official shoe of Bud Light? To top it off, this ad violates Metlife Stadium policies:

All tailgating items must be set up in front of or behind one vehicle. Roadways and additional spaces are to remain clear for fellow guests and emergency vehicles.

They’re clearly taking up 3 or 4 parking spaces. That’s just bad form, guys. Get it together. And good luck getting home, there’s going to be police everywhere and the whole world knows that you were drinking Bud Lights. Very clever to advertise your future drunk driving escapades

– So it was 1 minute to noon. The Ticketmaster website has a countdown clock to when Ween tickets go on sale. Yesterday, when the clock hit 0, the site froze and I had to refresh. I wasn’t going to be fooled this time. No sir. Here’s how it went down this time:

11:59:32 – Hit refresh to see that it takes 5.5 seconds to fully reload the page
11:59:40 – Did another refresh test
11:59:50 – Chugged the rest of my coffee
11:59:56 – Hit refresh
12:00:01 – Page loads only the top banner
12:00:03 – Hit refresh, same result
12:00:07 – Hit refresh, same result
12:00:13 – I stall out, violently shaking
12:00:20 – Open my email to click on a link that I was supposed to be on in the first place
12:00:31 – Page finally loads, select 4 tickets
12:00:38 – Prompted to type security code, which is ridiculously long, like “Violent Digifier”. My shaking hands can only muster “Vop\\\=====”
12:00:50 – I’ve lost my edge. My phone won’t stop blowing up. I’m not cut out for the ticket buying lifestyle. It’s a young man’s game and I’m getting older by the second.

I tried my best and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.

– Try this trick over the weekend: HOLY CRAP I GOT WEEN TICKETS!!!!!

GAHHHHH!!!!!!!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN’T STOP SHAKING!!!!!!!!!!1111ONEONEONE

HAVE A BROWN WEEKEND, MOTHERLOVERS!

-TEECOZEEEEE

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