I’d Rather Love Myself [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good evenering. It’s Friday, October 16, Two Thousand and Fifteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 63˚ & perfectish and somewhere, somebody is banging his head against the wall, knowing that he’s about to read 1000 more words of my self-deprecating wit disguised as psychobabble disguised as words in disguise disguised as helpless meanderings and wry jokes about shortcomings. But seriously, that guy should probably stop. People die that way. Besides, a muse told me to love myself today and I have some things on my mind…

– So this is happening. I was told to write a bunch of positive affirmations and my immediate thought was, “Well, who in the hell would want to read that?”. But then again, that question has never stopped me in the past. Writing to no audience actually makes up 62% of my charm. So here goes something. Ladies and dudes, I am TeeCoZee and I love myself.

Did that sound believable?

Doesn’t matter. Let’s do this!

– I’m going on my first ever Tinder date tonight, which I guess was a long time coming. Somehow, the game has revealed itself to not be a game at all and now I am forcing myself to meet another human being that I know absolutely nothing about besides her name [basically, the opposite of other dating sites, where people tell their whole life stories but maintain anonymity]. I’m a little worried about this because I’m not going to have much to talk about, as I’ve spent the last month doing nothing but work and watching baseball, which she probably doesn’t want to hear about, and then say/do some other regretful things because #cozeproblems I’m probably going to be way too awesome for her. I’ll probably show up fashionably on time to be fashionable, order 2 drinks without using words, annihilate a pinball game real quick while I wait, tip the bartender with 10 crisp $2 bills, then finally give her attention in the form of telling her epic tales about my time at sea with the president, who happened to be a robot, then she’ll fall immediately in love to which I’ll have to shrug her off, assure her that I’m a no-woman man on a horse with no name or head or tail, give her a party-sized handkerchief for her river of tears and walk off into the sunset while punching the head off a dinosaur. This is why I don’t date. I’m a force that must be contained. #cozeproblems

– Top 5 Situations Where I Shouldn’t Have Been Wearing A Tie But Did Anyways Like An Absolute Boss:

5) Climbing a mountain
4) Wearing shorts
3) Plunging a toilet
2) Cutting up bomb pieces of filet mignon
1) Saving the world from a toilet bomb that was planted on a short mountain

– I was walking down the street earlier and I think a duck quacked at me from a window. That’s What’s Up™!

– I discovered that it’s a lot easier to kick ass at work when you imagine yourself in a record-breakingly long camera shot with a driving drum beat. Seriously. Try it. You’ll be inspired to give business to things that didn’t even need the business in the first place and attempt to high-five everybody that passes you in the process.

– Top 5 Things That I Can Do Better Than Your Dad

5) Rattle off a close estimation of any active player’s batting average
4) Write run on sentences
3) Be totally honest and open about every facet of my life to [potentially] millions of strangers
2) Power Clashing™
1) Maintain a weekly blog about nothing for 2 years [and counting]

– I’ve been doing the vegetarian thing all month, because I get a kick out of doing things for no reason. It’s something I haven’t really thought about, except for the random occasions when I crave prosciutto, pate and something else that probably starts with the letter P. I’ve been exploring that tofu stuff and discovered that the whole game has changed since the last time I went veg. They have vegan everything now. Vegan pulled pork, vegan noodles [???], vegan tofu, all vegan everything. So I did the right thing and bought some tofu noodles and broccoli. Then I went home and threw a Stouffers Mac and Chi in the oven. Roll your eyes. Go ahead. I don’t care. I will throw down, bruh. Stouffers Mac and Chi is superior to most things on earth. Come at me, dogg. I’ll make you pepsi challenge that shit with some artisanal mustachioed $20 Brooklyn mac. Don’t even try to flex. No. That factory knows what it’s doing. Being vegetarian is awesome. I’m gonna go eat a can of cheez whiz!

– Top 5 People I Don’t Want To Be

5) The guy I saw earlier wearing a Disney Racing Team jacket with a 69 on the sleeve
4) A Jets Fan
3) A guy that works at the Stouffers factory
2) Jerry O’Connell
1) A freelance clown

This weeks Letter From Coze goes out to My Favorite Tie That I Can’t Wear Anymore:

Dear Favorite Tie That I Can’t Wear Anymore,

I miss you, bro. Remember that one time when I almost dumped olive juice all over you? That was a close one. I should’ve never had put you in harms way like that. By your current appearances, it seems like you’ve been through a lot. Many would think that I abused you or took you for granted, but rest assured, that was never the case. I cherished every day spent with you, regardless of the fact that you clashed with every shirt I owned. You were my mission statement, a broad projection for why I wore a tie every day. But then, you started to rip. And then rip some more. I took you to the dry cleaners so many times to get fixed, but I can’t keep up anymore. I fear that the next time I wear you could be the last and that’s a reality I can’t bear to face. If only you had a name, I’d be able to find a suitable replacement, but no. You’re truly one of a kind. And you know what? I’m done being scared of your fragility. Mr tie, prepare to be worn!

Once I figure out what shirt you go with.

Love,
Coze

Top 5 Random Quotes That I Wrote:

5) Top 5 Things To Do While Listening To NBA Jam Session:5) Change a lightbulb.
4) Eat a sandwich.
3) Break up with your girlfriend.
2) Check your body for moles.
1) Play H-O-R-S-E.
Yes. Thank you.

4) One thing I do love is being asked questions. “How are you doing today?”, “What’s your name?”, “Will you please stop staring at me?”, I friggin love questions!

3) Substances are badass, especially controlled ones. Because sometimes you just have to take charge of your own life.

2) I finish the smoke, and tell her that I have to go flunk my French class. “Well, if I never see you again, have a good life.”, she insists. I pause. I can’t reciprocate that statement, because I don’t ever want to say to anybody that I’ll never see them again. “By any chance, would you like to get a Gatorade sometime?”

1) He gave me a wide grin and proclaimed ‘asbestos is the best-os!’ I will never forget those words.“, Mickey laments.

– In all honesty, I kind of do feel better. As you might’ve gathered from my 400+ posts, I’ve been struggling with depression most of my life. I’ve been on a rough patch the last few weeks and forcing myself to think positive is providing a shining light. But of course, there’s no proven cure for this disease. Everybody has to find their own way, and in that is the real adventure that we must embrace. So try this trick over the weekend: Think of a friend who’s been down in the dumps. Give that person a call and bro down. It may not seem like much and you might not have anything enlightening to say, but it’ll make a world of difference.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go break a heart or three.

Have a happy weekend, everyone!

-TeeCoZee