I’d Rather Be Singing Some Van Halen [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

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Good afternoon. Get back to work. Or not. See if I care. [SPOILER: I do.] It’s Friday, October 9, Two Thousand and Fifteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 80˚ with looming thunderstorms and somewhere, somebody is flicking a booger into the corner of the room. This occurs on a weekly basis, as it’s a corner that’s not easily accessible, so therefore, the boogers cease to exist. And 10 years from now, the couch will be moved to reveal a community of boogermen and boogerwomen, as they live their boogery lives and do whatever it is that boogers do [choices include: gross people out, make people shudder and get eaten]. Won’t you join them? It’ll be a pick ‘n flick adventure! What? No good? Whatever, I have other things on my mind…

– I went to apply for an NYC ID today, because I love free shit that gives me more free shit. There was 5 people in front of me in line and although I made an appointment, there was still an inherent fear that I was going to be there for a long time.

Person #1: Didn’t make an appointment, sent to the lobby.
Person #2: Wanted info on what the ID actually was, decided not to get an ID.
Person #3: Made an appointment at a different location, but figured it didn’t matter for some reason.
Person #4: Thought it was the line for parking citations.
Person #5: Made an appointment, but didn’t realize that she had to come in at the time of the appointment, which was days ago.

At this point, I couldn’t tell if it was just really hard to get a NYC ID or if everybody is just inherently dumb. When I handed her my completed application and stated my correct appointment time, you could tell the worker wanted to hug me. Finally. Somebody she can help. What a novelty. What were the other 5 people doing in the first place? Why would you go out of your way to a building that has tighter security than the TSA if you didn’t know for sure that your business would be taken care of? Do these people have infinite time to kill? Are they just really bored?

– I get that bored vibe a lot in downtown Brooklyn. There seems to be a whole lot of people that have no business being there, they’re just generally hanging out with a bored disposition. And a lot of these people know each other, as if they’re neighbors. But they don’t live in downtown Brooklyn, they just hang out there, trying to act cool in the most boring and uncultured neighborhood in the whole borough. They don’t play chess or pinochle, they just sit around, staring at the sky. I don’t envy anybody anymore.

– I had an encounter with a dumpster diver earlier this week. Not the typical Chinatown bottle scavengers, but a semi-affluent white skater bro dude man. I realize that it’s not illegal, but come on, if the store is open for business, nobody wants to see a scavenger sifting through bags of raw meat parts. Have some common sense and decency. It’s just bad for business. After I close up shop, you can take whatever the hell you want and even have sex with it, but please, don’t gross out my customers. So I try to formulate in my mind the perfect speech to give him, all the while he is yelling, cursing and causing a general ruckus as he fills up his bag with rotten berries. Finally I approach him and ask if everything’s alright. Without missing a beat, in a very matter of fact tone, he states that he’s “All good. Just singing some Van Halen.” My jaw dropped. That was the most perfect response anybody has ever given me. It’s so clutch! Here’s some other situations where this response is appropriate to being caught:

*Breaking into cars
*Botching a surgery
*Spying on the neighbors
*Peeing in a bush
*General trespassery
*Walking through the wrong neighborhood at 3am
*Tripping on acid
*Being Johnny Cueto

In any event, a woman behind me tarnished the moment by asking for directions. By the time I turned back to him, he was already sprinting down the block with his bag of molded fruit. Let that be a lesson: don’t be too quick to judge a social deviant. He probably has a sense of humor.

– There’s a new feature on Tinder called the “Super-Like”, which will notify somebody when you’re totally creeping on them. Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of Tinder, where you’re totally safe from rejection because your decisions are totally anonymous in the case of conflicted responses? Naturally, I tried it a few times and envisioned the girls horror when her phone blows up, telling her that some bozo in a paper hat wants to take her to the bone-zone based on her looks alone, because she didn’t provide any information at all except for some pictures of her drinking a beer, sitting in a boat, standing next to a sculpture in Europe and cuddling with a dog [which is a true testament to the fact that attraction is only skin deep, the concept of true love is the world’s most effective form of population control and we no longer have interest in meeting people that we can relate to because the fact that we are using an app to stave off eternal loneliness while disguising it as a fun “game” is common grounds enough]. Of course I never got a response to a super-like, probably because those people swiped a super left. After a month of using Tinder, I’ve gone on zero dates and somehow feel a lot more pessimistic about the opposite sex, a feat that I didn’t think was possible. It should also be noted that this blog is mentioned in my Tinder profile. [Insert kazoos here]

– My local Super Funky Food Town Fresh Deli Corp Inc is having a grand re-opening! Actually, the grand re-opening was last Friday, but it’s still going through a grand re-opening. It’s festive as fuck down there. They got multi-colored car dealership circus flags, at least 500 Americana Buntings [those half circle red/white/blue flags that I had to Google the name of in order to sound smart], every employee is dressed in brand new crisp uniforms with smiles painted on and there’s men in business suits everywhere. The place is bustling today with countless neighborhood folk that are grateful for its re-opening! Holy shitballs it’s so great to have Super Deluxe Mega Funky Food Town Express Platinum Deli Corp Inc back in business!!!!

But there is one little thing.

It never closed in the first place.

How in the hell are you going to dupe us into thinking the store closed down? That shit remained open while it was going through renovations for the past year. And it’s been seemingly done for about a month now, so what gives? Shouldn’t there be a better name for it? Here’s the top 5 better banner ideas:

5) We’re done!
4) New and improved!
3) We open!
2) Pay As You Exit!
1) The main entry is fixed!

This weeks edition of Ad Nauseous is brought to you by The New York Health and Racquet Club: A Better Way Of Life™!
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At first glance, this ad looks pretty normal. There’s a beautiful sunset, the woman does look pretty attractive in her bathing suit and it emits a vaguely positive message of hope and self-improvement. Because in life, we should be comfortable with the unknown and not be afraid to “brave new waters”. We should do it. WE SHOULD SWIM IN THE EAST RIVER! Logic is for idiots! There’s a whole bunch of water between Manhattan and Brooklyn that is going to waste on ferries and party boats! It’s a ginourmous swimming pool! It’s totally clean and safe! Everyone’s doing it! We should all join the New York Health and Racquet Club so that we can get in shape and look good when we go swimming IN THE EAST RIVER!

Try this trick over the weekend: Go swim the Gowanus.

Have a toxiclicious weekend, everyone!

-TeeCoZee

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