I’d Rather Not Find Puke In My Vestibule [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Welcome. Bienvenue. Baguette. D’accord. Welcome. It’s Friday, September 10+1, Two Thousand and Fifteen. The weather in Brooklyn 81˚ & filled with Dragonflies and somewhere, somebody is discovering the pair of scissors that I threw into the woods back in June 1996. Wait, that’s not happening. They razed the shit out of those woods. Oh well. I still have some things on my mind…

– I was determined to not write The Thoughts this week. Mostly because I’ve been recently unamused. Other than an anecdote about vomit, I had no material for you guys. But then I took some buses to Rockaway and back and now I have some stuff for your face. I’ll make it quick. I really want tacos.

– I’m drinking my last can of Gatorade. It makes me feel a little empty inside, as it has graced my fridge for a year and a half. It actually expired last Halloween, but it still tastes the same. You know why? BECAUSE ELECTROLYTES NEVER EXPIRE, NOR DOES YOUR DESIRE TO WIN WIN WIN SPORTS!!!!!!!!!111111““`

– I was carrying 2 golf clubs across Brooklyn today. It was really empowering to carry a blatantly legal weapon. This punkass kid at the bus stop was giving me glares. Like, “Yeah, you ween dis time, fat boy. You just lucky cuz you got dem golf clubz in yer hand” [because his inner speech is bad at spelling]. I finally won in a shady situation! In celebration, I started flexing and swinging the clubs around like an absolute boss. That was when I realized that there was a cop standing right next to the kid. Then two people were glaring at me.

– Am I the only one that’s creeped out by the fact that Dora The Explorer seems to be aging? Not quickly, just subtly. She wears makeup and jewelry now? And a pink dress? Where is the T-Shirt-wearing tomgirl that was always down to go Safari on everyones asses? Cartoons shouldn’t age. That’s against the rules. That raises too many questions. There might be an explanation. I don’t watch that show. My armpits smell. Shut up.

– I opened the door to the bank and a line of people were leaving. Naturally, I held the door for them. This guy walking behind me checked me in the shoulder, as if me holding the door open was cutting him off. The sidewalk is wide as hell and he was walking mad slow. Dude had time to react. He didn’t even say anything, just shook his head and kept walking. You know why? Because nobody ever messes with a guy holding 2 golf clubs, that’s why!

– Somebody puked in my vestibule. It didn’t really bother me until my roommate came home with fire in his eyes. What the hell? What kind of numbnuts pukes all over the vestibule and doesn’t try to clean it up? Mind you, it was discovered at 10PM, so this person must’ve been legendarily day-drunk. If it was at 4AM, fine, cool, clean it up in the morning. But 10? You best be marching your ass out there with a mop and bucket, doesn’t matter how lambasted you are. Next day, the puke is still there. Now it’s dried up and baking in the sun. I wanted to rule out the possibility of it being a passerby, but what kind of psychopath would go all the way up the stairs to puke in a vestibule? Use the sidewalk! It’s wide! Next day, still there. My landlord shoots out an email saying that he fixed the doorknob and oh yeah, whoever puked in the vestibule should clean it up ASAP. This left me confused, because at that point, holding your breath didn’t save you from the wretched smell. You’re telling me that my landlord came and fixed a doorknob, while engulfed in a nasal cesspool of ammonia? You would think he would just clean it up, or refuse to fix it until someone did. The puke is now gone but the smell lingers to this day. And I get an email from the landlord. He’s raising my rent. I think this was all a ploy to get me to move out. I’m not budging. No sir. You can puke in my atrium for all I care. $580 is still a goddamned bargain.

– I went to Salvation Army, but then realized I was holding 2 golf clubs and didn’t want to be accused of stealing 2 golf clubs. I went to an employee and said that I brought the 2 golf clubs in. Guy just shrugged at me. DOESN’T ANYBODY CARE THAT IM HOLDING 2 GOLF CLUBS?!?!?

– Overheard on Fulton and Nostrand:

Guy 1: You’re not Jewish
Guy 2: Me? I’m Jewish
Guy 1: That guy in there said you’re not Jewish
12 Year Old Kid: I’M TWELVE!!!!!!

– This weeks edition of Ad Nauseous is brought to you by the 2016 Ford Explorer! Be Unstoppable®!

This is just wrong on so many levels. First off, let’s speak of the danger that goes into driving in bad weather. Just because you drive a 2016 Ford Explorer doesn’t mean you can survive earthquakes, typhoons, hurricanes, Godzilla Attacks, blizzards or tornadoes. The car doesn’t drive itself and you are not a stunt driver [or maybe you are. If you were, you wouldn’t drive a Ford Explorer, doe]. This condones reckless driving and disguising it as wreckless driving. Even worse, there’s a goddamned kid in the car! Yes, let’s drive into this frightening storm [IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT] with our child in the car. No. Just no. SEEK SHELTER! YOU’RE NOT INVINCIBLE! YOUR TWO GOLF CLUBS DO NOTHING! I’ve seen some low-brow car commercials before, but this one made my eyes shut.

– Top 5 Things I Learned While Playing Metal Gear Solid This Week:

5) It’s possible, but tedious, to blow up a tank with an assault rifle.
4) You can transport enemies to your base camp via a parachute device, but you can’t use it on yourself. Huh.
3) Hiding in a cardboard box still fools everybody.
2) Wearing a chicken on your head makes you more invincible/isible than John Rambo.
1) There’s still a little bit of teenager in me.

Try this trick over the weekend: Carry 2 golf clubs.

Have a clubby weekend, everyone!