I’d Rather Swipe Some Bushwick Trash [Saturday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good evening. Better night. Or night bettor. Bet on the night. Even if it still belongs to Michelob. Uh huh. It’s Friday Saturday, September 5, Two Thousand and Fifteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 75˚ & reeking of grilled meat and somewhere, somebody is thinking that it’s Friday. Kind of feels like a Friday. No it doesn’t. Regardless, I have some things on my mind. Stuff that couldn’t come to mind yesterday, when things usually come to my mind…

– I got back on Tinder because shut up. Everything was going great [there was even a few girls I would actually consider swiping right to] until 5 profiles in. The girls name was Bud Light and her profile picture was actually a video of a Bud Light commercial. Granted, I may be an alcoholic, but I would never go on a date with a can of beer. That’s just pushing it. So I swiped left and deleted the app.

Actually, no, that’s not what happened. I’ve been swiping for a good hour now and I’ve totally gone on dates with cans of beer before. Tinder actually cleaned up their act. When I tried it out last year, it was populated by BnT trash. Now it’s teeming with Bushwick trash, which is trash that I’d be fine with having sex with or something I guess. I actually don’t know. I feel like every girl in Bushwick has a terrible BO problem. You can sense that by looking at people. BO Chic is in now, I heard. Must be a summer thing. Whatever. I’m going back to the swiping.

Top 5 Things I learned About Myself Since Using Tinder For The Last Hour:

5) I am not attracted to girls with missing teeth
4) If her first picture takes place in a foreign land, its an auto-swipe-left
3) I guess I like seeing girls scream into microphones?
2) There’s a fine line between loneliness and boredom
1) Flipping off the camera is the most sexy thing a woman can do

– I was told to compare my opinions on Black Licorice vs Red Licorice. This is a very difficult argument to formulate because of the fact that Red Licorice is a fraud. He doesn’t have a lick of licorice in his blood. Black Licorice is Licorice™. The rest is fruit-flavoured rope candy.

– I saw a doctor eating pizza yesterday. That was a relief. Now I know I’m at least doing something right. But then he started laughing manically. Nothing is ever what it seems. Too bad. I was hoping pizza would be good for me.

– When I was younger, I didn’t understand why misogyny was so frowned upon. I came to the conclusion that it was happy endings that was giving the industry a bad rap.

– I get it. It’s Labor Day Weekend. Yay. Cool. You wanna throw a BBQ? Fine. You wanna have a PA system at your BBQ? Fine. You want your emcee to start a race war? That’s your prerogative. What I’m not cool with is you telling me it’s the last weekend of summer. Unless you go to school or suck at reading a calendar, you should know that we still have a few more weeks until the Autumnal Equinox. It’s still going to be hot as balls, you’re still going to have work off for the weekend, and guess what, you can still do shit like get out of town or go to the beach for the next 3 weekends! In fact, you can do that in December! Might not be as fun, but it’s still possible! Go ahead. Enjoy your weekend. But if you start spouting out some end is nigh psychobabble, I will dump a Jolt Cola on your ignorant head.

– I went for a short walk earlier. When I got close to my destination, I said to myself, “Wow. This might be the first time I ever walked somewhere in Bed Stuy on a Saturday without seeing a blonde girl in baggy pants carrying a plant!”. 20 seconds later, a blonde in baggy pants came from around the corner, carrying a plant. I thought The Truman Show was kind of tripe.

– With that in mind, I still have no likes on Tinder…

…damnit. That didn’t work.

– If you’re trying to sell me a $27 plate of food, I would advise against using a Dr Pepper Glaze. I’m so sick of Garbage Chic Culture. Pretty soon, dive bars are gonna have a dress code. Or I’m sure some of them already do. This problem has been evolving for centuries. Just look at the Po’ Boy. Have you ever seen a Po’ Boy that a poor person could actually afford? Didn’t think so. Question all answers. Hurricane Katrina was an inside job.

– The first time I had a goatee, I looked like a villain. The second time, I looked like a Michigander. This time, I’m definitely the worst philosophy teacher ever.

– This is post #420, as a matter of fact. In speaking of 4:20, that was like 2 hours ago, brah. Whatever. I’m over it. Let’s go eat mango cream nachos.

This week’s Letter To Coze came from Sarah:

I read your post on Schizopolis from 2009. I recently revisited the film after seeing it for the first time 10 years ago. Out of the (three?) analysis I read on the movie, I’ve found yours to be the most, well, intelligent. Thank you for going a little deeper than the rest of the internet wanted to go. Then I felt compelled to see if your blog was still active and it was. I have to say your writing is enjoyably honest. So as a random person from the internet, thank you.

I wish my professor felt the same way. That’s the thing about Schizopolis is that there’s so many nuggets to pull out of it and yet, nobody ever tries. It’s kind of a shame. But seriously, it’s little things like your comment that makes me do this every week. It’s comforting to know that strangers will come across my brain matter and actually enjoy it to an extent. Thank you so much!

– I just got a message that I got a match! Open the app and find nothing. The can of beer must’ve quit Tinder just now.

Try this trick over the Holiday weekend: stop whatever it is you’re doing. Doesn’t that feel empty?

Have a hesitant weekend, everyone!