I’d Rather Not Be The Ed McMahon Of Pooping [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good afternoon, how can I help you? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Hmm. No, we don’t sell Vegemite. Yeah, no. I’m sorry, have a good one. It’s Friday, August 7, Two Thousand and Fifteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 82˚ & bangin and somewhere, somebody is looking at a picture of Billy Joel for the first time. After a brief moment of disgust, he scrunches his face and says “THAT guy?!?”, as his disembodied voice repeats the same line over and over like a broken record. You outta know by now. You outta know by now. You outta know by now. But not me. I don’t know by now. I’m more of a Paul Simon guy. I also have some things on my mind…

– Littering is fucking stupid. Not that I really care about the environment, but when there’s millions of trash cans around you, people seem to make an extra effort to avoid them. People will purposefully leave their candy wrappers on the train. If your headphones break, it appears to be logical to throw them on the subway track. If you’re on the beach and you down a 12 pack of soda, of course you have to leave the empty box on the beach. Because how else will people know that you and your family drank 12 sodas? My trip to Coney Island last week did nothing for my faith in humanity. After a day of Saturday traffic, the beach was in a state of ill-repair. Large clusters of unnecessary garbage bordered by a fence of underused waste cans. Do people enjoy being around filth when they’re on the beach? Do they really expect somebody to do a good job of cleaning it, considering that you’re in a complete ghetto that’s lucky to have a boardwalk/history of tourism? Is nobody at all concerned about the slightly-gray dust that flies every time you make a step on the sand? Do they really want their stuff to get swept up in the ocean? Do people enjoy swimming with banana peels? I just looked up and saw my roommate eating a banana while pouring a glass of water. Now I’m freaked. New topic, please.

– I was just lectured about the power of the subconscious. Even though I didn’t look up from my computer or pay any mind to him being in the room, I subconsciously knew that he was eating a banana while pouring water, much like a form of sleep paralysis. While writing, you tend to stay fixated for periods of time, but subtle cues that you aren’t aware of will actually affect your word choices. So you are in this state where you are totally fixated and aware at the same time, as your subconscious flows outwardly into the void. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all.

– I pooped myself last week. Want me to repeat that? I pooped myself last week. There was poop in my butt, and then it exited my butt while my butt was not over a toilet. This happens around the world every 4 seconds to people under the age of 4, but you can sometimes be an unlucky statistic. And let’s be honest with ourselves. It’s disgusting, childish and if you do it, there’s a misconception that there’s something wrong with you. But urgent poops do exist and if you’re nowhere near a bathroom, you’re shit out of butt.

I left the house to order a pizza and buy some odds and ends at the grocery store. As soon as I crossed the street, an ominous rumble wafted over my stomachal innards. But it seemed benign, so I proceeded to the store. Somewhere in the HBC aisle, it got worse. Time to do some Penguin Standing, an age old technique to ward off unwanted turds. Just press the legs together until buttular pressure subsides. Pretend to look at and compare Q-Tips. There’s no difference between any of them. My Tummy Geuw Gurgled and I sighed in relief. The technique worked like it always did, I was out of the tunnel. Then it started running down my leg. All up [err…down] in my khaki shorts. I was sweating bullets in the check-out line. Sandwiched between a cute girl buying kale and an old lady with a keen sense of smell, stench growing stronger and stronger. Down the sidewalk, definitely some laughs behind me, probably telling a funny joke or referring to my [presumably] poo-stained shorts. Encounter the only neighbor that likes me. He tried to make small talk then immediately realized that I stepped in some dog shit. The asshole kids next door definitely knew. Shower. Destroy the evidence. Into a black bag into a public trash can. The only way to be. And my pizza? I abandoned the place for so long that they were ready to throw it out.

I’m not trying to disgust you or garner any sympathy, I just want to put a face on the situation and try to erase the stigma of accidental poopers everywhere. Because you could be miles away from a viable bathroom and that poop could be knocking on your anal door like Ed McMahon with an oversized check. And when that happens, who’s going to open the door and cry? Your pants. That’s who.

– I spent most of my day trying to begin to write this, but then attempting to fall into a rabbit hole to distract myself. Except I didn’t fall completely. I just tripped, gathering a small amount of information on a topic. Which gave me of a new idea for a column: Hole Tripping. This week in Hole Tripping:

The Happy Halloween Series

I stumbled upon this on IMDb earlier and I don’t know how I got there or how it got on IMDb in the first place. In the 90’s, a rag-tag team of auteurs made 6 Halloween movies, all of which may or may not be better than Season Of The Witch. Here’s the synopsis for the first installment:

Curtis Thompson is faced with 3 killers Jason, Michael and Freddy. As they battle each other it’s to to Curtis to try and safe them all, they were one Curtis’ friends who have been transformed into serial killers.

Wait, Curtis is trying to “safe” Jason, Michael and Freddy? They used to be his friends? Are they just some random killers or Mr. Voorheis, Myers and Krueger themselves?

The series allegedly peaked with Happy Halloween 3 , which [I assume] people assumed was a fan-flick displaying what Halloween 3 should have been, connecting the events of Halloween 2 and 4 and not having it be some boo-hickey about evil masks. It takes place in Haddonfield and there definitely is somebody battling Michael Myers via telekinesis. But that’s all we really know. Luckily, the alleged director of this film used the IMBd forums as his own personal Q&A sesh:

It’s a fan movie I made. Shot in the 90’s. I’ll send ya a copy if you want it.
We have Myers killing people in the HALLOWEEN tradition.
…
My PM watches post on my movies. He told he about it. The plot is pretty basic. A young man returns home after being released from a hospital. He is once again confronted by Michael Myers the mass killer he thought he left for dead the yr. before. With the help of his friend and some new found powers(telekensis) he trys to kill Myers one last time. Out of all six of the HAPPY HALLOWEEN movies this is my favorite. It runs about 80 minutes and was shot around Salem, Mass. -Bryan Fortin
…
PM is my personal manager, Michelle King. The 1st Happy Halloween came out in 1989, the last (Pt. 6) came out in 1996, hope that helps you out. Later man!

For some reason, the questions were deleted. It’s also worth pointing out that it was posted this year, which means that they were all probably just recently added. Because being the Halloween nerd that I am, I feel like I would’ve heard about this. And I need to see all of these movies. Preferably on VHS recorded in LP mode. And I need the Twitter accounts of everybody involved. And probably a 30 pack of Strohs and a good 10 hours to kill. I need all of those things, in that order. I know you won’t let me down. Whoever you are.

– This weeks Letter From Coze went out to an unnamed person that is [for some reason] kind of still talking to me, but definitely won’t if she ever stumbled across this blog:

It was a Monday. Way too much like a Monday. There was some elements of Wednesday, but Wednesdays are worse than Mondays, so I had to constantly assure myself that it’s Monday and it made me feel okay inside. But then again, it was more like a Tuesday. Yeah, definitely a Tuesday. Had Tuesday written all over it.

How was your Tuesday?

I will offer you no context whatsoever except for pointing out that it was a Monday. Deal with it.

– There was just now a power surge in my apartment. The light’s flashed off and back on and then some sci-fi-esque music started playing from a place unknown. A terrible sensation washed over me as this was one of my nightmares personified. Or maybe I was asleep and having a nightmare. It took me way too many seconds to realize that my lights weren’t even on, a big bird probably flew past the windows and my roommate’s phone is ringing. I’m having a weird day.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Wear a Jason mask. Ask for directions. Then ask for BETTER directions. OR ELSE!

Have a demanding weekend, everyone!

-TeeCoZee