100 Things To Do On Memorial Day

Look alive, chumps! It’s Memorial Day! What does that mean? It means that you don’t have to work if you’re in the fortunate subsector of the working class/business elite/unemployed/microwave. I know what you’re thinking. But Coze, what am I supposed to do?!? It’s Monday for chrissake! First off, did you just call me Butt Coze? Secondly, I’ve got you covered. Here’s a list of things to do to make the most out of your holiday!

100) Eat a sandwich
99) Clean your toaster
98) Eat another sandwich
97) Learn how to play Synchronicity II on Keytar
96) Pet a dog
95) Throw a BBBQ
94) Fail to correct your typos, but call yourself out on it
93) Buy dental floss and convince yourself that you’re going to use it
92) Plant a garden
91) Hang up a hammock
90) Break the hammock
89) Relaminate your stamp collection
88) Throw away all the business cards that have built up
87) Drink a soda
86) Give up white meat
85) Toss your hat in the air
84) Say hello to a stranger
83) Write a to-do list
82) Draw a face on a clothespin
81) Throw a stoop/garage/yard/carport sale but mark everything up 10% more than it should be
80) Donate some unwashed clothes
79) Use the bathtroom
78) Go to the beach
77) Feed a bird
76) Watch a baseball game
75) Watch 5 baseball games
74) Watch every baseball game going on at once with multi-screen layouts on multiple screens
73) Leave the country
72) Do laundry
71) Call your mom
70) Figure out if you’re going to use your lighter fluid or not
69) Throw away all broken headphones
68) Return something without a receipt
67) Get a head start on your taxes
66) Go from fast food joint to fast food joint until you walk out with a Salmon Burger
65) Throw a one-man parade
64) By some D batteries for your ghetto blaster
63) Make your parade better with a ghetto blaster
62) Rob a bank
61) Wait, banks are closed
60) TD Bank might be open
59) Rob a TD Bank
58) Spend the bounty on lottery tickets
57) Now THAT’S effective laundering
56) Go back to the bank
55) Tell them it wasn’t you
54) Play “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy on your ghetto blaster just to further your case
53) They believe you
52) Good job
51) Dance out of the bank
50) Shake hands with a baby
49) Make out with a stranger
48) Make it rain scratch-offs
47) Use some coupons you had stowed away
46) Go for a drive
45) Be sure to keep one wrist on the wheel and drive 30 MPH below the limit
44) Throw a pie in somebody’s face
43) Calculate Puddle Of Mudd’s net worth
42) Stalk a D-List Celebrity on Snapchat
41) Submit a short story to Reader’s Digest
40) Learn a new way of folding clothes
39) Get a sunburn
38) Take a picture of a sunbird
37) Go golfing I guess
36) Eat a box of crayons
35) Throw a pie in someone else’s face
34) You are now the King Of Pie
33) It’s good to be the king
32) Make sure people know that
31) Regulate
30) Throw some dice
29) Buy something that contains cork
28) Play trivia host with people on the street
27) Reward them in lottery tickets
26) Assure them that you are not the TD Bank robber
25) Might as well play Shaggy again
24) Works on them every time
23) Go to a pizza shop and tell the owner to break your ghetto blaster
22) Start a riot
21) Reply to your backlog of Facebook messages
20) Visit me at work
19) Learn how to juggle
18) Juggle for money
17) Give the money back because you’re already rich from the bank heist. Remember?
16) Write a prison letter to Ryan Leaf
15) Burn a hot dog
14) Wash behind your ears
13) Wash your car, too
12) Go to the Upper West Side and try to have a conversation about NASCAR
11) Be somebody
10) Go somewhere quiet
9) Take a picture of a tire swing and overlay an inspirational quote
8) Read a book
7) Return some videotapes
6) Catch the matinee of Les Mis
5) Be proud of your burps
4) Breathe
3) Blink every 5-10 seconds
2) Visit a factory
1) Go to the cemetery. Have a conversation with your dearly departed. Remember all of the good times. Reconcile the bad times. Tell them a new joke you heard. Life is short and time is a flat circle. Be grateful for the memories you have. Leave some flowers/knick-knacks/funyuns. Do it for me, because I wish I could visit some people today.

Happy Memorial Day, everyone!