I’d Rather Not Have A Goatee…But I do [Friday Thoughts With ZeeGoTee]

Good Evening. Have I ever said that to you before? It’s Friday, March 27, Two Thousand and Fifteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 43˚ & overcast and somewhere, somebody is returning some videotapes. Trust me, it’s probably happening. I also have some things on my mind…

– I looked at myself in the mirror last night and I really liked what I saw. Which means today my mission was to mess that up completely. So off the beard went, into the trash can and all over my chest, which always takes days to fully get rid of. As a meandering thought, I decided to give myself a goatee, which I knew was going to be a big mistake. For starters, I can’t even picture myself with a goatee. The facial formation just doesn’t fit my lifestyle. I am not any of the following:

– Father
– Gillberg
– Shit Kicker
– Biker
– Communist
– Redneck
– Bald
– S&M Enthusiast
– Stone Cold Steve Austin

Having a goatee seems counter-intuitive to my desire to chill all day, be sarcastic, eat prosciutto and do all sorts of ill stuff. It reverses my identity. It probably doesn’t even look good with a tie! Despite my intuition, I gave myself one, took a picture, then spent the next half hour laughing uncontrollably. The ironic goatee. I just took Hipstering to that Next Level Shit™! That’s What’s Up! Then I made the bigger mistake of getting dressed. A Coze with a goatee will wear clothes he wouldn’t normally wear. Hell, I didn’t even know I had any gray articles of clothing! Upon dressing, it clicked. I’m not trying to be ironic, I’m actually becoming a villain. From here on out, you can refer to me as Charles Lee Tray, also known as ZeeGoTee [Gote for short]. He acts just like Coze, but has evil motives. He plays the long con. He can’t wait to stab you in the back or shake up your soda when you’re not looking. He’s going to make sure you lose at Connect Four. He won’t hesitate to double-dip into the hummus and then make it clear that he did so he can have the whole thing to himself. He’ll unplug your alarm clock and tell your parents made up secrets. Gote is pure evil and unfortunately, he’s here to stay!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

On second thought, meh, I’ll probably shave this thing off tomorrow.

– I couldn’t get out of bed today, but I wanted Chinese Food badly. I stared out the window for a good half hour, trying to deduce if I’d be able to throw a paper airplane into the restaurant and then they’d…zipline the food to me? That won’t work. I need an assistant. And while I’m at it, I could learn Chinese. Then write up a demand note asking for General Tso’s Chicken lunch special, all the money in the register and a Mountain Dew. Hold the soy/duck sauce. I’d put it in an envelope and my $5.50 and send my clueless assistant with the strict instruction to hand them the envelope, say nothing at all and act cool. The guy will have no clue what’s going on and he never will. Unless he gets busted. Then I don’t know that fuggin guy. What’s his name? Dee? That guy’s nuts. I would say that it’s the goatee talking, but this occurred to me before I turned evil.

This week’s Letter From Coze went out to Word-Bird, who is a total liar [and for some reason, I never responded to her response]:

At first I was enlightened that you were 7 feet tall.

I was going to ask you out for a Gatorade®, as I know that tall people love the stuff.

But then I found out that you lied to me and the rest of the world. And my heart turned to ice. Nothing was what it seemed.

There was no way I’d offer you a Gatorade®.

But upon further skimming, your Shane Black quote melted my ice heart.

I like ice. Leave it the fuck alone.

I redact my redaction. How about that Gatorade®? I’ve heard short people like it, too.

She said she didn’t like Gatorade. I was also confused because she could’ve been lying about that.

Top 5 Things I Want To Do Now That I Have A Goatee:

5) Fix something
4) Pose behind desks and laugh manically
3) Pretend to be Billy Butler and pass out autographs on the Times Square Shuttle Train
2) Read some Marx
1) Creep out my friends with goatees by shadowing their every move

Having a goatee is boring as hell.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Don’t get a goatee.