The Top 5 Things I’d Rather Watch Than The YES Network

YESI hope you understand that I’m going to be spewing out Yankees Hate® all summer long and it’s a fact that you should probably get used to. It’s all I know how to do as a God-Fearing American Hetero White Male Aged 25-30 Who Went To College But Didn’t Work At A Radio Station Regardless Of His Trolly Demeanor. We all have meetings on Wednesdays and we all hate the Yankees. This week, I’m going to express my disdain for The YES Network, which I believe is an acronym for The Yankees Eat Sand Network. Because they’re always diving after balls. Get it?!? BASEBALL! You see, that’s a joke you would probably hear on The YES Network. Don’t get me wrong, most baseball broadcasters are inherently boneheaded. The only difference is that all the others don’t really take themselves seriously while the bozos at YES pretend to take pride in their work. That about sums up The Yankees in general; it’s all about honor and prestige until the 4th inning when you start talking about veggie burgers. Here’s 5 things I’d rather watch than those C.H.U.D.s earning paychecks:

5) Watch Brian Wilson Attempt Standup Comedy
The guy may love pranks and shenanigans, but I really think he would kill at an open mic. And by kill, I mean fail miserably. He’d probably tell some funny anecdotes from the road, such as:

Hunter Pence is a crazy guy. One time, I saw him eat 4 bowls of Kix! Can you believe that?!? 4!!!

One time Tim Lincecum and I got way baked, you know on the ganja weed, and I found out that the dude never listened to Motley Crüe before. Isn’t that bizarre?!?

This one time we got Sandoval good by putting a giant stuffed panda in his locker…ahem…

And then he gets booed off the stage for making some moderately racist remarks and rides his Harley into the sunset.

4) Watch Joe Buck Call A Game
That would actually be an exercise in inner strength. I could probably get through it just thinking about all the terrible things I want to do to ruin his stupid smarmy face. I could just hate-tweet everything he says and make a voodoo doll or something. Those are in, right? Voodoo Dolls?

3) Watch Tommy Lasorda Dance For 3 Hours

2) Watch Phil Coke Do His Taxes
Is he going to check that box? Is he? Does he has something to hide? Do you think he’s going to get audited? Come on, Phil. Check the box, Phil! HE’S GONNA DO IT! HE’S GONNA DO IT! He clicks his pen…and it’s an X, not a check, in the box!

1) Not Watch Baseball At All
Part of the reason of why I watch baseball in the first place is the variety. I like the fact that every single day for 5 months, I can get home from work at 10:30 and still have options. If there was some weird arranged scenario where every game was broadcasted by the YES doofuses, I wouldn’t have the heart to love the game. Because the true joy of baseball is watching the winning team’s broadcast and then switching over to hear Hawk Harrelson drunkenly talking about orgies. There’s no reason to watch YES when you have a whole country of morons that can serenade you a game 162 days a year.

Is it baseball yet?