I’d Rather Meet Someone To Chuck Candles With [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good Late Morning Or Early Afternoon Or Straight Up Midday. It’s Friday, March 6, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 26˚ & sunny and somewhere, somebody is pondering what on earth could make a clown cry. I know the answer, but I refuse to tell that person. I’ll give you a hint: it has something to do with his bank account. I also have a few things on my mind:

– There’s a lot of people that I see on a daily/regular basis. I would say upwards to 100. A lot of them I don’t know the names of, but I acknowledge their existence every time. I sometimes have fleeting thoughts that I want to take candid pictures of these people. Then I would print those pictures off on glossy cardboard stock and make trading cards out of them. Everybody likes trading cards, right?!? My collection would feature extremely rare cards, such as: Manny The Porter, Lady that Always Returns Bananas, Homeless Al, Cute Girl That Always Scowls At Me, Stoner Kids That Like To Pretend To Steal Things [Rookie Card], Cheezy Greezy, White Girl With Dreadlocks On The C Train That Always Stares At Me Curiously and Bodega Security Guard #2! Then I’ll package them and suspiciously place them in various spots around the neighborhoods.

– The idea for the trading cards struck me yesterday when I found a DVD in my hummus case. It was for some short indie film, still in its shrink wrap. Thinking that somebody left it behind, I put it in my office. 10 minutes later, somebody found another copy in a basket of apples. I applaud this person’s advertising tact, but come on, a grocery store is not the best place to be dropping off DVDs. Nobody’s going to steal a DVD from a refrigerator. What kind of scum to you take my clientele for? You’d be better off leaving them on a street corner or taping them to light posts. Or here’s an idea, how about you hand them out yourself like a real human? I can see that if you have an unsolicited food product, you could drop off a few in an unkempt corner of a grocery store. You could probably even steal a price gun and mark them without people noticing, or take the tags off other products. That’s actually a really clever idea. But DVDs? Get the hell out of my store, guerrilla scum!

– I don’t know which injury is more revealing: Finding out that this was the umpteenth time that Harrison Ford crashed a plane or realizing that Hunter Pence now knows what an Ulna is.

– I’ve got 2 new segments for you all, because I’m all about repetitive innovations. The first one is a meme contest that I’ll be [attempting] to run weekly. It’s called What Would Marlon Byrd Do, where I ask a question, you answer it and I copy and paste your answer!

You are very thirsty. You go to 7-11, but the Slurpee machine is being refilled. The guy behind the counter tells you it’ll be another 20 minutes. The nearest 7-11 is 35 minutes away. WHAT WOULD MARLON BYRD DO?!?

“Buy a Gatorade. Cut your losses. Move to a town with 7-Elevens that aren’t 35 FUCKING MINUTES APART. Take control of your life. Move on.” – Foxcomb

Be sure to “like” Baseball For Dinner on Facebook so you can get in on next week’s contest!

– My second new segment I just now realized is not new. But I’m bringing it back with a new twist. It’s called Letters From Coze and it will feature random messages I send to girls on OkCupid. I figure that I’m already unabashed enough about my loserness, I might as well directly shove it in everyone’s faces. It’s like the opposite of Hila’s Tinder Burn, where I’m the one getting burned and nobody’s getting laid! This week’s letter was sent to [name redacted]:

In my [very] limited travels, I’ve been [Meant to say “seen”, as you can obviously tell I did not proofread this, which is an immediate shot to the foot considering that this is the first thing she sees. I guess I’m good at being an accidental spambot] an inordinate amount of Grant Writers. Which makes me wonder, is there really THAT much money being fliffed out on a daily basis? Is this something I should get into? Do freelance grant writers get a cut of the grant if successful? Why doesn’t Grant write for himself?

I say we get a drink or three [but not two] and collaborate on a short story that critics [AKA the bartender] will deem as “cathartic anti-art, please get the fuck out of my bar and don’t steal any candles on your way out”. Then we can chuck candles at semi-trucks and you can teach me how to play chess for the 502nd time.

Right?

CAN’T YOU JUST SEE THE SPARKS FLY?!?!?!?

– Try this trick over the weekend: Approach a stranger on the street. Start asking a question, but mute every other word. Gauge how good the person is at lip reading. Give them a bagel.

Have a glitchy weekend, everyone!