The Top 10 Things I Love About NYC In Da Summah®

IMG_0270New York Fuggin Citay. The Windy Apple. The City That Never Keeps [you waiting]. The Big Thin Crust. You’d have to be catatonic [or from California [or catatonic in California]] to not think it’s the greatest city in the world. And since we don’t know of any intergalactic cities, it’s the greatest city in the universe. It’s a no-brainer, dingus. And you know what the best season is? Da Summah®! This means that:

New York Citay + Da Summah® = Da Bess™

And why is it Da Bess™? Take a seat. Let me break it down. So you can break it up. Then I’ll break it down again. Sex.

10) Construction
Hear that sound outside your window? The pounding and the drilling? Dat’s da citay getting better! For you! That power sander at 7am is a friendly wake-up call, saying “Yo dawg, I hear you like stoops. Well your neighbor’s stoop is gonna be mad nice in 3-4 months! Don’t mind that guy watching you from the third floor scaffolding. He think’s your body is mega-fine! Flaunt dat sheet!”. Who needs the L trang? Everybody needs the L trang! That means they have to shut it down ALL SUMMAH LONG! You gonna need dat trang in Da Wintah! Let’s shut it down all Summah! What makes roads better so that cars can go vroom? Digging gargantuan holes in the middle of it and replacing it with metal plates! I don’t know ’bout you, but I love the soothing sounds of semi-trucks crashing all over those plates. MMM…I can hear it already!

9) Tourists
One thing I do love is being asked questions. “How are you doing today?”, “What’s your name?”, “Will you please stop staring at me?”, I friggin love questions! Especially when they’re easy questions like, “Which way is Broadway?”, “Do you have a bathroom?” and “Which way is uptown?”. You just have to muster up your best New York accent and scream “Fawk Yoo”! It can even be in a Canadian accent! Tourists can’t tell the difference! They’re dumb as sheet! I also love going on long walks on the Highline and Brooklyn Bridge, plowing through crowds of picture-taking, mouth-breathing meanderers and giving dem a real New York Citay Experience!

8) Da Beech
Like seeing diapers in the water? Getting stabbed by syringes? Sipping on home-made high-octane alcoholic beverages? Red sand that stains your skin almost permanently? Having the only available spot of sand being covered in pokey weeds and seagull turds? Having your peaceful day replaced with the loud noises of teenagers being fuckers and vuvuzela-inspired noisestep music? Being bashful about taking your top off because everyone around you [including the hipsters] have better bodies than you? Than you’re really gonna love da beeches that New York Citay has to offer!

7) Not Being Able To Breathe
There’s nothing like waking up in the morning inside a sweat chamber. Whenever you breathe in, it feels like you’re inhaling fire. How fuggin cool is that?!? And when you walk to work, good luck catching your breath! The fumes of the traffic combined with the trapped humidity [that’s customary when you’re Da Bess concrete jungle in da universe] and the overwhelming stench of rotting garbage/BO/BM brings you to the brink of death. And there’s nothing else in the world that makes you feel more alive!

6) Crime
In speaking of dying, crime spikes are cool as sheet! I just love the sound of gunfire in the afternoon, don’t you? Everybody is hanging out in the streets and they’re all getting progressively angrier. If they’re not getting angry, they’re getting more insane, which is even more fun to deal with! Little girl gets killed on your block? That makes your block famous, brother! And that makes you a survivor! Something to brag to your parents about! Walking to your buddy’s house a few blocks away feels a lot more like a real life version of The Running Man. Leave all of your cash at home and bring a small weapon. ID? Screw it. You don’t want your identity stolen. You know what Summah is? SUMMAH IS WAR!

5) Going To Yankee’s Stadium

Go team!

Go team!

Nothing spells out S-U-M-M-A-H like dropping 50 bucks on some nosebleed seats at Yankee’s Stadium, where the game starts at 7:05, but nobody shows up until 8:20. Is it because of heightened security or the fact that everyone is reluctant to go to Le Brons? BOTH! I just love being surrounded by Yuppie Manhattanites and New Jersian Mutants as they blindlessly root for a team that they know nothing about and will abandon as soon as they’re out of playoff contention. The Best Fans In Baseball! You know what I love? The PC Richardson & Son Theme. You know, that 5 bars of whistling?

Be prepared to hear that every 30 seconds. It’s music to your ears, doofus! Don’t you like music?!? Yeah?!?! Well, you’re going to love Summah at Yankee’s Stadium! 10 dollar ramen! BOOM! Wash it down with a 12 dollar beer! Need to smoke a cigarette? No re-entry! Smokers aren’t allowed to watch baseball! Wanna smoke a spliff before the game? They have a jailhouse just for you! If I had a nickel for every time me or one of my friends were kicked out of/arrested at Yankee’s Stadium, I still wouldn’t be able to afford a hot dog! Those things are so awesome that they cost 4 times their worth! THAT’S WHAT’S UP!

4) Your Con-Ed Bill
Thomas Edison was a good man. He was also a good Con Artist. That’s why he started the company, Con-Edison. Only in New York Citay will you get charged $100/month just for running a window fan. You’ll have great fun with your roommates while trying to decipher a $400 bill when only one of them has an active air conditioner. Or do they? The mysteries of bill paying! It wouldn’t be Summah without feeling the urge to chuck a milkshake at a guy checking a meter! Con-Ed suggests that the best way to save money on energy this Summah would be to live on the E Trang. Free AC and you’ll never have to see the sun again! We love you, Con-Edison!

3) Over-crowded Bars
You know dat bar you’ve been frequenting all winter long? The one that you gravitated towards because it was just divey enough to stay relatively empty? Good luck finding a seat there in Da Summah? Remember the jukebox that had an impeccable Beatles collection? I hope you like Journey, because there’s no way you’re getting to it! Remember the nice, shaded awning that you used to blaze cigs under? That’s now a Garden Patio and smoking is no longer permitted! How cool is that!? And that charming bartender that could talk the ears off of Ross Perot? He’s on the verge of suicide, as he can’t understand how his little tavern can be chock-full of douchesacks at 3am on a Tuesday night. You gotta love bars in Da Summah, where if somebody isn’t accidentally touching you, the place must have a C rating!

2) Feeling Old
One of the best things about Da Summah is seeing how many fun things there are to do in Da Citay and then finding excuses to not go! Your 22 year old friend is going to a Mac DeMarco concert on Randall’s Island. Of course you don’t wanna go to that! You’d have to be out of your mind to cross 96th St when it’s 96˚ out! Oh, you guys are going to a food show at Prospect Park? I don’t know, I don’t feel like transferring trains today. You guys are going boating? Fuck yeah! Oh, it’s for NYU students only? Rats. Wait, why are you even my friend?!?!? One of the trademark moments of Summah is seeing a group of ecstatic Twentysomethings on the trang and thinking to yourself, “Fugg, I’m old as fugg. I wish I could have fun…”

1) Getting The Hell Out Of NYC
There’s some trees out there and junk. Go look at them.
Now that I’ve got you all pumped up for Da Summah®, all we have to do is wait 4 months! Hooray!