[I’d Rather Call It Airport or Christmas or Something Else Thoughts With TeeCoZee]
[What follows is a frantic account of Coze’s streamline of thoughts from December 24, 2014. Running on 2 hours of sleep, hardly any food and a hearty bad luck travelling streak, he spent 2 hours grinding his teeth and furiously pounding his thumbs onto a touchscreen keyboard. This is the result. Enjoy.]
Good morning. Or afternoon. Or evening? I guess I’m writing this in the evening? But will you read it in the evening? A different evening? It’s
Friday Thursday, December 25, Two Thousand and Fourteen. I don’t know what the weather is in Brooklyn. I’m in Queens and it’s so foggy out that I can’t even see out the window. In fact, it’s not even Thursday. It’s Wednesday. I still can’t see out the window, which is scaring the shit out of me. The temperature is in the 50s or something, who cares? Somewhere, someone is sitting at the Blue Smoke Bar, across from gate B34, constantly looking over his shoulder, waiting for the flight status to change, waiting for Christmas to be ruined and in order to calm his nerves, he must furiously tap thoughts onto his phone. That person is me, and I have some things on my mind.
– My original plan was to reenact a Folger’s commercial and surprise my parents for Christmas. But then I realized that I’m not at war overseas, so therefore I’m not a hero and everything will be less of a surprise. I also hate Folger’s.
– The attendant at the gate won’t stop talking on the phone. Some shit is about to happen.
Top 5 Things That I learned In The Last Hour:
5) Women restroom attendants can also attend men’s rooms.
4) ESPN is wasting money on Frank Caliendo.
3) Craft beer at airports is really expensive.
2) Russian tourists like to sell cigarettes and use your phone.
1) It’s really foggy outside.
– There has been at least 59 final boarding calls for flight 466. How many final calls does it take before its final?!? They didn’t give me that kind of benefit in Chicago!
– Chicago is for hosers.
– 2 kids just walked by. One was wearing an Edmonton Oilers jersey and the other was repping the Tigers. I gave them mental high-fives.
– There’s definitely an underaged kid drinking at the bar. And autocorrect just changed the word “underaged” to “underage drinking”. Still foggy. Still no delay. Breathe.
– On the other hand, 13 bucks for a double of Wild Turkey isn’t terribleish?
Top 5 Ways I Plan On Surprising My Parents
5) Popping out of a giant box
4) Popping out of a giant cake
3) Doing a special guest sermon at church
2) Breaking into the house in the middle of the night and causing a ruckus
1) Dressing up as Santa and drilling a hole through the roof
I still haven’t decided how to surprise them yet…
– “If the left-behind luggage at gate B35 isn’t claimed, it will be stolen or destroyed” – The PA Announcer
– Maybe I don’t travel much, but I find courtesy carts to be very uncourteous. They’re an nauseating shade of pink and incessantly beep, as if they were going in reverse. Or maybe the thing is backwards and it’s actually going in reverse? Or maybe with its breast cancer support and over-cautioness, it’s actually TOO courteous? What was the question?
– THE FOG HAS LIFTED! THE FOG HAS LIFTED! THANK YOU BABY JESUS! MAY YOU GET UNLIMITED PAPA JOHNS PIZZA FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!
– I suddenly feel inferior for having an iPhone 5s. Everybody at the bar has their fancy ass 6’s. I bought the shit this year! I AM NOT OBSOLETE! Look, let me pull out my new copy of the New Yorker and pretend to read with it folded 3 ways so I can focus and practice my magazine flipping skills. Who’s the smart guy now? ME!
– With my stressed out brash douchebaggery aside, this trip actually means a lot to me. It’s been 5 years since I’ve been home for Christmas. And considering the year that my family has had, I feel like it’s my duty to be there with my parents for Christmas. They deserve to have everyone home for once. I’ve spent the last month going over the arrival moment in my head and it’s been the only thing keeping me going. And I know that when I’m an old fart yelling at kids to get off my lawn, I’m going to remember this christmas a lot more than I’ll remember the one that I got a Sega or smoked weed for the first time. This is what makes the holiday mean anything to begin with. Family, Holmes. And food. Lots of food.
– Boingo wireless is an inside job.
– ESPN talk shows are insufferable with no volume.
– MY PLANE IS AT THE GATE! ITS A CHRISTMAS FUCKING MIRACLE! USA! USA! USA!
Top 5 Christmas Episodes Of The Simpsons:
5) The one with the “Simpsons Christmas Boogie” song (not a Christmas episode)
4) Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire
3) The Grift of Magi
2) Miracle On Evergreen Terrace
1) Marge Be Not Proud
– Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell!
– A lot of people are concerned about getting from Detroit to London? Whatever. I can’t follow airport politics.
– The bartender instructed me to go to the public restroom to my left. Later on, I went to public restroom on the right and found the bartender there. I see how it is…
Top 5 Things That I learned Since Writing My Last Top 5 List:
5) You can walk faster than courtesy carts. They’ll just follow you and beep.
4) Infant girls can be in the men’s room
3) Splitting up boarding zones tempts me to play red rover with the rich people
2) In Detroit, you can probably get away with wearing a teal & purple New York hat. In New York, you still look like an idiot. That guy was technically still in New York, so therefore, an idiot.
1) I’m on an airplane
Which can only mean one thing. All of the stress that I’ve gone through has been for nothing. Me, the unluckiest traveler possible, actually caught a flight on time! Hell has frozen over! The Lions won the Super Bowl! We’re all gonna get laid! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Christmas!
– Try this trick over the weekend: CHRISTMAS!
Have a Christmas!
[What followed was an hour and a half on the taxi-way, as the plane presumably drove from JFK to LaGuardia before it took off. Upon landing, the tarmac broke down and the passengers were trapped inside for a half hour. Coze is still the unluckiest traveler and he apologizes to his fellow passengers. Merry Christmas!]