I’d Rather Listen To A Kenny Rogers Christmas [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Nooning After Good. That’s the name of my new Golf Ska band. It’s Friday, December 12, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 37˚ & partly cloudy and somewhere, somebody is looking at the sky and wondering if it’s partly cloudy or partly sunny. If he could find the right answer, maybe then he could put a kibosh on his divorce and save Christmas. Only problem is, his wife is Jewish. But not me, I’m still kind of catholic-ish and I have a few things on my mind…

– Now that it’s been over a month, you’d think it’d be easy to get used to the winter sun schedule. But it’s not. It’s fucking hard, depressing and disorienting. If you work 1st shift, you never see the sun. If you work 3rd shift, you never see the sun. And if you’re 2nd shift like me, well, fuck it. It’s gloomy every day, anyway! But if you don’t have to work and you laze around the house for a few hours, your entire day is suddenly wasted. And if it gets dark at 4, then you can legally start drinking at 4 and nothing gets accomplished. So when somebody asks how your day off was, the usual response was “It was cool. It was dark the whole time”, because there’s nothing else to say about it. Maybe if I was an achieving go-getter, I’d get some more time in the sun. But screw it. Nobody likes a low winter sun. That show was terrible.

– Apparently, the subway was really messed up yesterday. Messed up as in every single line had a fire, signal malfunction or break dancers. Nobody got home un-pissed. Except me. I left work at 11 and got home promptly at 11:25. Suck it, 9-5ers! My trains have seats on them and they’re usually on time! #offpeaklyfe

– You know you should clean your room when you notice a spiderweb forming between your pillow and your vinyl copy of a Kenny Rogers Christmas…

– You know it’s December when you prominently display your vinyl copy of a Kenny Rogers Christmas…

– You know you’re a hipster when you own a vinyl copy of a Kenny Rogers Christmas…

– You know you’re undateable when you have a vinyl copy of a Kenny Rogers Christmas at your bedside…

– You know a girl hasn’t been in your room in years when your bedside includes empty vitamin bottles, a vinyl copy of a Kenny Rogers Christmas, a framed cast photo of A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master an NFL 75th Anniversary Christmas Bulb, a broken Being John Malkovich Russian doll, some Yoda figurine that your buddy found when he was on acid and a spiderweb…

Some guy threatening to rob a bank to get a doll? A sad little boy? Kentucky? THIS ALBUM HAS IT ALL!

– I haven’t been job hunting in a while because I’m fucking awesome. But I’m still familiar/sympathize with the process. Finding a job is rough, especially when you already have one that you hate. Which is why, from a management point of view, I don’t understand the process of calling current employers. You have this application and it clearly states that this person is presently employed and looking for new work. Calling up this employer is wrong on so many levels. First off, it shows that the person is disloyal. That’s like getting the number from a married person and then calling his/her spouse up and asking what the 411 is on dat ass. Secondly, 9 times out of 10, the employer isn’t expecting this phone call. And if they are, then the employee is probably not worth hiring. So if you call up this employer, you are morally obliged to hire this person, because you know damn well they’re about canned on the account of your dumbass phone call. I received one of those calls yesterday and it doesn’t feel good. Total stab to the stomach. Because the scenario now is that this worker is liable to disappear at any moment and never come back. And that’s pretty low. If you’re going to dump your spouse, you should spend some time being single. If you’re going to change jobs, you should spend some time unemployed. Anything else is pure adultery. Sweet, sweet adultery.

– I’ve been watching porn for the past 16 years because duh. I’ve recently discovered Quickie Porn and it has changed my life forever. There’s nothing in the world more erotic than 2 people having really sloppy and rushed sex because they’re running late for something.

Top 5 Quickie Porno Subject Lines:

5) “…but we’re going to be late to her dance recital!”
4) “…but Mom and Dad will be home at any minute!”
3) “…but the cops are coming!”
2) “…but your husband is standing in the other room!”
1) “…but the president is counting on us!”

I think it’s about time for some next level shit. We need more porn oriented around doing chores. There’s already quite a bit of dishwashing porno, but what about lawn mowing, toilet scrubbing, mopping or taking out the trash?

Top 5 Chore Porno Subject Lines:

5) “…looking a little wet. We better double-bag this one!”
4) “…looks like you missed a spot. Bend over a little more!”
3) “…looks like we should unpack the groceries. Let’s screw!”
2) “…looks like your chest could use some dusting. From my dick!”
1) “…looks like the vacuum is broken. I have an idea!”

-You know the birds have already flown south when you can hear nothing but the soothing sounds of a plastic bag stuck in a tree. It sounds like a fan blade, struggling to make its last rotation, wondering what the meaning of it all was. So soothing, yet so deep. I really have to get the fuck out of Brooklyn.

-This weeks Letter To Coze comes from Michael Kors Handbag:

“9,When details of incest cases do emerge publicly,214,000. if you have a router sitting flat you may find your signal improve quite a bit if you stand it up – you can also turn it 90 degrees one way, most of these protocols use the 2.000100.030010December4221751.David Cameron will fly to China this weekend supported by the biggest-ever business delgation to accompany a British Prime Minister despite doubts in Whitehall over the scale of trade deals to be unveiled during his visit Sir Andrew Witty.
[url=http://mkhandbags.accentinsurance.co.uk/]Michael Kors Handbag[/url]”

That’s what’s up! Can I have my handbag now? Did I win? 812.00054 Try this trick over the wee7444456842,44587 Bitches be shoppin2245

Have a,412,000!

-TeeCoZee