Rex Ryan Brings Back The Harlem Shake, Fails At Life [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2014 Week 8]

Watching NFL Gameday Final this week was much akin to visiting an insane asylum and trying to have a focused conversation with somebody. The token white guy that isn’t Rich Eisen tried so hard to stick with the script and format, but Michael Irvin and Deion Sanders just kept talking about whatever the fuck they wanted. Half of the time, Michael wasn’t even talking about football. He would just mutter something incoherent and Deion would let out a squee and say a tagline. All the while, LT was reenacting Harry & The Hendersons in his head and was always taken off-guard. There were moments where a graphic would cue up, but Michael Irvin wouldn’t stop talking about some bullshit, so they just moved on without mentioning it. The whole experience was very surreal and it surely made me feel a lot better about myself. Not as a writer, but as a person.

Seattle Seahawks 13, Carolina Panthers 9
The fact that this is the first game I’m covering only perpetuates the unnecessary hype and coverage that both of these teams get. They’re both teetering on the fine line between scrappy and crappy, where columnists can easily spin them in either direction week after week. But not me, I’m sick and tired of these guys getting credit for existing. Out of protest, here’s some fan fiction about Kerry Collins:

Kerry Collins drives to Wal-Mart. He needs to buy a tote to store his son’s old toys in. “What’s the point?”, he thinks to himself, “Can’t I just burn them in the backyard? Why do things always have to take up space?”. Mind drifting, Kerry wanders around in bewilderment. So much space. So many objects taking up that space. He wonders what it all means. Section 7b: Storage. Kerry ponders what hue of tote would suit the circumstances. He doesn’t remember the color of his basement walls. He tries to call his wife and fails. Distressed, he leaves the store empty handed. He sits in his GMC Yukon XL and stares out the rearview mirror. There’s things in his life that he’ll never get back. And just as a stray shopping cart rolls down the hill, a tear rolls down his cheek.

Detroit Lions 22, Atlanta Falcons 21
This game spoiled the shit out of me. It opened a new window in life that I didn’t think existed. Who would’ve thought that we could have football in the morning? It felt like a fever dream on Christmas morning. The best way to start a Football Sunday is by watching football, instead of watching some overpaid chuckleheads talk about football and make you wish that there was some morsel of live football to watch. The NFL should do more experimenting with playing times. I’d love to see a midnight game or a Wednesday afternoon game. Let’s just stagger everything so we can have football at all times, every day of the week.

And the game wasn’t half-bad, either. As the Lion’s starting lineup disintegrates further, they’re still finding ways to win the game. Golden Tate made the world his bitch yet again, amassing 151 yards on 7 catches. Theo Riddick, who seemingly came out of nowhere, is actually Reggie Bush in disguise. That way, he can get 2 pay checks. Reggie Bush loves getting paid. True story. And somehow, a delay of game penalty saved Matt Prater’s ass, as it seems obvious that he’s much better at kicking 48 yarders than 43 yarders. What can I say, he loves raising the stakes. With Green Bay on the down-and-out, this is high time for the Lions to run away with the division. We were saying this exactly a year ago, and the results were horrifying. Let’s hope history doesn’t repeat itself…

Buffalo Bills 42, New Jersey Jets 23
We get the joke, the Jets are terrible, haha, buttfumbleLOLz, Rex Ryan sucks toes, whatever. But one thing you can’t say is that they’re not trying. In fact, they’re trying really hard to be the biggest disaster in sports history. Former fat guy, Rex Ryan, appeared to be inspired by Jeff Fisher’s trickery showcase from last week. He decided to cook up a trick play of his own. He took Percy Harvin, who should be on suicide watch 24/7, and positioned him to take a kickoff. Then he took another player and had him lay down on his stomach in the endzone. Then he positioned two blockers in between the other two and had them hold hands. Then he positioned another player to go out of bounds and spin around in a circle. There’s a guy on the 40 yard line baking a cake. He instructed the punter to stand at at 35 yard line, smoke cigarettes and heckle the other players. Then Rex put on a uniform of his own and ran around like a crazed lunatic, trying to give people wedgies. One of the players put on a Barney costume and danced. It’s the ultimate trick play: Convince the Bills that they shouldn’t have any idea what the fuck is going on and just roll with it. Do whatever. Yolo. The result? The guy laying down stood up & flailed his arms, the blockers holding hands just kind of stood there and did no blocking whatsoever and Percy Harvin ran for 4 yards, realized there was no point in life and immediately got tackled. The whole fiasco will go down in infamy as the Harlem Shake Play. Not quite a Buttfumble, but better than the Dickpick.

Sadly enough, that’s not the saddest part about the game. Geno Smith made 2 completions for 5 total yards and 3 interceptions. Percy Harvin rushed for more yards than he caught. When asked who the starting QB is going to be next week, Rex Ryan responded by saying “I don’t know”. I don’t think there’s any way a franchise can sink any lower than this. But we are dealing with the 2014 Jets. Expect greatness. Turn up.

Watching the Jets made me lose my passion for writing. I’m running low on time and attention span. Here’s the rest of the games:

Pittsburgh Steelers 51, Indianapolis Colts 34
Ben Roethlisberger had the 4th most passing yards in a single game in NFL history. 522. Unfuckingbelievable. I guess this guy wants to win a championship or something. And of course, due to my lack of luck, I had to play against him in fantasy football. He raped my team just as hard as he rapes people. Oh yeah, remember that? Ben Roethlisberger rapes people. How this guy is breaking records while Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice sit at home is a goddamned travesty. #reopenthecase

New Orleans Saints 44, Green Bay Packers 23
Holy buttcrunch, this game was a snoozer. Who wants to watch a high scoring game anyways? Garbage. Mark Ingram rushing for 172 yards? Boooooring! Nobody wants to see that crap, not even Mark Ingram. I would rather watch the Jets play against the Raiders in a game that goes into 8 overtimes and doesn’t end until Drew Brees wakes up from his self induced Nyquil® coma. BLUH!

Denver Broncos 35, San Diego Chargers 21
I was really fuckin pumped to watch this game. Who doesn’t like Thursday night football? It’s irregular! But then I saw the score when I got out of work and I realized that there are better things to do in life. Like going for a walk, knitting or not watching the Chargers lose to a robot.

Cincinnati Bengals 27, Baltimore Ravens 24
Is this going to be another one of those seasons where the Ravens go completely under my radar and I wake up one day to realize that not only are they in the playoffs, but John Harbaugh has been sleeping with my wife? Wait, I have a wife?!? That’s what’s up!

Miami Dolphins 27, Jacksonville Jaguars 13
I heard that if you mix Gatorade with Triple-Sec, tabasco sauce, orange bitters, Wild Turkey, LSD, Cotton Candy Svedka and pineapple rinds, you’ll form a concoction that allows you to give a shit about football in Florida. Worth a shot.

New England Patriots 51, Chicago Bears 23
I’m really starting to miss the days when we knew the Patriots were doomed, Tom Brady had hemorrhoids and everything was going to be just fine. That was only 4 weeks ago and yet it seemed like a long forgotten dream. It’s really upsetting to know that all of our hopes and dreams were crushed so quickly. I guess we should look on the bright side: at least Jay Cutler is still a dingus.

Kansas City Chiefs 34, St Louis Rams 7
I was really hoping for Jeff Fisher and Andy Reid to have some sort of trick play competition, where they’re not really playing football, just acting really fucking weird. Kind of like a Harlem Globetrotters game. I was heartbroken, of course.

Minnesota Vikings 19, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 13
Hey Teddy Bridgewater, Warren Moon called. He said that he’s sorry about missing your call and no, you can’t really find a good sandwich in St. Paul. But maybe in Minneapolis, though.

Houston Oilers 30, Tennessee Oilers 16
In what resulted in some “Hot Oiler Action”, the Oilers faced off against the Oilers. The Oilers played much better than the Oilers did, resulting in the Oilers quarterback getting laid just hours after the game ended. Despite the victory, the Oiler’s season is basically over.

Cleveland Browns 23, Oakland Raiders 13
Oh snap, Maurice Jones-Drew rushed for 8 yards?!? Good for him! And look, he got 6 receiving yards! Oh man, that’s so cute! Wow! That kid has still got the goods! The Raiders are spending wisely!

Dallas Cowboys 15, Washington Skins 19
Jack Del Rio knocked Mark Rypien out of commission. He was replaced by Stan Humphries, who did nothing. 6 Field goals. Pay the man.

Join me next week when the Jets do a kegstand during a fake punt return, Blaine Gabbert learns how to drive and the Port Authority Giants play a football game.

-TeeCoZee