I’d Rather Not Have A Chainsmoking Cat [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Skee-boo-boo-bap-bap. I’m terrible at scatting. It’s Friday, October 17, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 66˚ & blinding and somewhere, somebody is wondering why his friend is getting spam mail from the NY Daily News sent to his address. Is it a practical joke, or some government conspiracy involving GPS tracking and password sharing? He’s also wondering how the letter could be sent from Jersey City, NJ and yet, the postage is paid from Staten Island, NY. That person is me. But don’t worry, I have a few other things on my mind.

– In speaking of mail, my carrier is getting sick of me buying so much stuff off of Amazon that he decided to play a practical joke on me. Or maybe not. Here’s the tracking from a package I still haven’t received:

We attempted to deliver your item at 10:29 am on October 12, 2014 in BROOKLYN, NY 11238 and a notice was left because the mail receptacle was blocked.

1) It’s not we, it was a singular person that tried delivering it
2) My mail never comes before 11
3) My mail never comes on Sundays, either
4) 11238 is not my zip code, nor is it the zip code of my local branch
5) There was no notice left
6) My mail receptacle was not “blocked”
7) Who the fuck calls it a mail receptacle?
8) If my receptacle was blocked, how would the person be able to leave a notice?
9) If the label reads “carrier: leave if no response” and the package is bigger than my mail receptacle, why are “they” trying to get into my mail receptacle?
10) Seriously, why should I believe that they tried to deliver it on a Sunday?

Now I’m faced with the problem of not knowing where in the hell my package actually is. I put in a request for re-delivery, but the information required made me feel like they aren’t going to attempt that. I tried telling Amazon that I didn’t get my package and they were like “thanks for the feedback”! I asked the Postmaster General where the fuck my daughter is, but he just kept on bee-boppin and scattin down the hallway, into a dark corner where he staged himself for his next victim. I called the suicide hotline, but they also didn’t know where my package was and assured me that my situation was a “bummer”. Santa Claus put me on hold for 3 hours, while the Tooth Fairy was probably laughing it up, reading my book and pooping all over my dreams.

I think it’s about time I cancel my Amazon Prime account.

– 5 years ago, back when BfD was still a little infant that got way too much attention, I starting writing football summaries to an audience that refused to listen. My passion project went on for years and years and despite many setbacks, I kept writing them week in and week out. One would believe that I eventually found my readership and I no longer write them for self-satisfaction, but rather for the satisfaction of people that are starving for satire-filled football analysis. But no, it’s still just a hobby. And this hobby has hit an all-time low. How low? This week’s roundup garnered 0 hits. Not a single person read it. You can’t go lower than that. I’ve mentioned this to a few people and they all said, “Yeah, I haven’t read it yet”. Of course they didn’t. There’s 0 fucking hits! Which gives me an idea: somebody should invent the Negative Hit Counter. It would be a little button next to a link and clicking it would say, “I acknowledge that this link exists, but I refuse to click on it”. I think something like this would really even out the blogging universe. This way, all the crapspamshitstuff that gets 100,000 clicks would also get 250,000 unclicks, rendering the article useless. Wait, that makes no sense at all. Nevermind.

– Regardless of how beautiful it is outside, I know my day is screwed based on the first 3 interactions I had:

1) My boss waking me up at 6am. My mind filled with sleep-deprived terror as I feared the place was robbed or burned down to the ground. Nope. He just needed to know where something was.
2) My other boss waking me up at 1030. My mind filled with sleep-deprived terror as I feared that someone in my department quit or I did something terribly wrong that wasn’t noticed for 4 hours. Nope. I just need to come in on my day off.
3) Finding a black cat in my vestibule, mewing like an old lady that still smokes 2 packs of Mistys per day.

At that point, I got hassled by a lady that must’ve been growing her fingernails her entire life. They twisted and curved to a mass that was bigger than her hands. And I couldn’t tell if she painted them black, or if that’s just what they look like. But when she grabbed that straw with her 3rd/4th hand, I knew for sure that my day was cursed and there’s no going back.

– In speaking of no going back, I’m already out of time. Time is stupid. I keep losing it.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Pop as many vitamin c pills as you can before choking.

Have an immune weekend, everyone!