Joique Bell Thanks God, Curses Us All [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2014 Week 6]

60 years ago this week, Bobby Layne led the Detroit Lions to a 35-0 rout on the Baltimore Colts. Meanwhile, Otto Graham found Pete Brewster in the endzone twice, as the Browns trounced the Chicago Cardinals, 21-13. Not too far [figuratively] from both of those games, the Turnwald’s had a new addition to the family. He was named Patrick Laverne and he is the reason why you are reading this right now. That is mostly due to the fact that he’s responsible for my existence, but he also taught me everything I know about the great sport of football. He took me to my first game [and my second, third, fourth, fifth, one hundredth, ad infinitum] and showed me how to properly hold the ball. I was always convinced that he was the best punter of all-time. When I first played Tecmo Bowl, I didn’t know how the play selection worked. He walked in to me staring at the screen for minutes on end. He asked me what in the hell I was doing, and while pointing at the words “1 QTR” on the bottom of the screen, I explained that I had to wait 15 minutes. He then explained that I don’t know anything about football. He once made the mistake of telling me that the Chargers were the best team in the NFL [they had the best record at that moment] and upon realizing how obsessed I became, he also adopted them as his secondary team. He’s the hardest working man in the grocery industry and if it wasn’t for him, I’d be doing nothing but eating kiwi and watching reruns of All My Children. Happy 60th Birthday, Dad. In your honor, I’ll try really hard to make this roundup dick joke-free.

Indianapolis Colts 33, Houston Texans 28
T.Y. Hilton gave the Texan’s secondary a huge slap in the dick [sorry, Dad], out-receiving the Houston offense, 223-212. If you haven’t been paying attention to the Colts, now is the time to do so. They have already ran away with the AFC South title and not because they’re a dominant squad. It’s because the AFC South is just laughably bad. The teams in the division are led by Charlie Whitehurst, Ryan Fitzpatrick and Blake “The Brick” Bortles. If it wasn’t for Andrew Luck, the AFC South would be one turkey away from disenfranchising from the NFL and starting a USXFFL revival. And if that were to happen, I wouldn’t notice or care. That’d just be 2-4 less games I’d have to cover per week. And pathetically enough, these teams still have fans that are willing to pay $100+ for tickets. As a Lions fan that roots for the Chargers on the side, I really pity anybody who is stuck near an AFC South team. That just doesn’t sound like fun.

Detroit Lions 17, Minnesota Vikings 3
Last week, I recommended that the Lions pick up Matt Prater to be their kicker. The powers that be actually listened to me, because I’m a genius [and somehow, 1/3 of my readers works for the Lions]? But the joke’s on them. Matt Prater sucks. Here’s a list of kicker candidates for Week 7:

– Kid Rock
– Morton Anderson
– Warren Beatty
– Martin Gramatica
– Kidnap Phil Dawson
– Jason Hanson
– Michael Phelps
– David Akers’ Wife
– Prince Fielder

The talk about the Lions is almost identical to what people were saying about the Tigers this season. Everybody keeps kissing their ass, claiming they’re the best team in the league, all the while ignoring a fatal flaw that apparently is not-so-easy to remedy. The Tigers were killed by their bullpen, just like the Lions don’t really have a kicker. Some may argue that with their offense, they don’t need a kicker, but those people also argued that 3 CY Young winners don’t need a bullpen. They do. Every team needs them, dummy! And until the Lions get a kicker they can trust, all bets and predictions should be off.

Also, we should all be very afraid of what Joique Bell said after the game:

Sound familiar? The last Lion to be outspoken about his faith in God was Jon Kitna. He claimed The Man Upstairs™ spoke to him at halftime and told him he was meant to win the game. After he said that, the Lions fell into the worst slump of all time, winning only 2 of their next 28 games. We should all be very afraid. God hates being associated with Detroit.

Philadelphia Eagles 27, Port Authority Giants 0
5 Things You Didn’t Know About Eli Manning

1) He failed Shop Class twice
2) His favorite gameshow is Debt
3) He is weary about using cup holders
4) He’s really good at driving a forklift
5) He can’t go to the movies without falling asleep

Dallas Cowboys 30, Seattle Seahawks 23
This is the 2nd time since 2012 that the Seahawks have lost at home. People are going around scrambling for answers. Even I did. And I found the answer:


Watch the game again. I dare you. You’ll see the truth. The Cowboys made a lot of mistakes, but Seattle was hardly able to capitalize on them. The Dallas defense only allowed 206 yards from scrimmage. When that happens, it’s pretty easy to win a game. With that said, the response to this game was startling. Usually when a game like this occurs, analysts focus more on what the favorite did wrong. Instead of caring about the fate of the defending champs, all people can talk about is how great the Cowboys are. Not to say this is wrong, but considering all of the miscues that happened, this was more of a Seattle loss than a Dallas win. And that’s not to take any credit from them; I’m in full support of Dallas going on a long-overdue championship run. But people should be a little concerned that the Hawks are suddenly 3rd in the West and with the way they’re looking, they could be hanging out there for a while…

It’s too nice outside to continue. I also have to return some videotapes. Let’s skip through the rest of the games:

Green Bay Packers 27, Miami Dolphins 24
Judging from the numerous arrests that occurred, you would think the Packers and Dolphins were rivals. Apparently the arguments were about the acting chops of Dan Marino in Ace Ventura vs the verbosity of Brett Favre’s cameo in There’s Something About Mary. I was in Miami, I’d wanna fight someone too.

New England Patriots 37, Buffalo Bills 22
I could give two shits about the newfound prowess of Tom Brady and Giselle’s twittering skllz. I’m much more fascinated by the fact that after two starts, Kyle Mustachio Orton has yet to melt down. In fact, he seems to be falling into a groove of sorts. Scott Chandler is loving that shit. He might even grow a mustache.

San Diego Chargers 31, Oakland Raiders 28
I’m getting a little sick of these bandwagoners preaching on and on about how good the Chargers are and all that garbage. Meanwhile, they couldn’t even march into O.Co and cover a 3.5 point spread. For shame. But at least Branden Oliver is dope as fuck. Rushing for over a hundo made us wonder, “who’s Ryan Matthews”?

Cleveland Browns 31, Pittsburgh Steelers 10
Ahoy Hoyer continued his conquest to remain the luckiest man alive. He made many passes that should’ve been way off, but somehow found the honey hole. In speaking of honey hole, it’s 4:20. Do you know where your daughter is?

Baltimore Ravens 48, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 17
Holy motherfuggin Flacco. Approximately 6-10,000 people came to on Sunday afternoon to discover that their opponent was dumb enough to start Joe Flacco and it was paying dividends all over their chump asses. Now we get to hear an earfull about his elite status. On the other side, hey, the Bucs scored 17 points. That’s, like, a step in the right direction. Right? Anyone?

Tennessee Titans 16, Jacksonville Jaguars 14
Things I’d Rather Do Instead Of Watch This Game:

– Knit
– Bleed
– Listen to every U2 album backwards
– Cry
– Attempt a cartwheel
– Eat cantaloupe
– Cover myself in wet paper
– Smoke cloves

Denver Broncos 31, New Jersey Jets 17
Michael Irvin is an idiot. He was criticizing CyboManning for only winning one Super Bowl. He claimed that he would have to win another in order to be considered in the ranks of Montana and Marino. Hey Mike, DAN MARINO DIDN’T WIN A SINGLE SUPER BOWL. SUCK IT.

Arizona Cardinals 30, Washington Skins 20
At 4-1 and on top of the NFC West, the Arizona Cardinals are continuing to surprise and bore me at the same time. When Carson Palmer is your ace in the hole, it’s really time to reconsider if your team is built to last. Or maybe they’ll small-ball a championship.

Chicago Bears 27, Atlanta Falcons 13
You can’t blame it on injuries this year: the Falcons just can’t get anything together. You present them with a broken VCR, tell them what the problem is and they still wouldn’t be able to fix it. Bunch of bozos.

San Francisco 49ers 31, Los Angeles Rams 17
This would’ve been a good matchup if it was 20 years ago. Wait, no it wouldn’t! Was there ever a time when the Rams and 49ers were a good rivalry to watch? It seems like their seasons go opposite from eachother, never being good at the same time.

Carolina Panthers 37, Cincinnati Bengals 37

Join me next week when the Lions recruit Tom Dempsey and Rex Ryan eats more flaxseed!