Tom Brady Wins Game, Cures Ebola [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2014 Week 5]

It’s October again. We should all be noting that players are randomly wearing pink objects. This is because the Space Mutants™ are trying to take over the world by using pink objects. It’s your goal, as Bart Simpson, to go through Springfield and dodge every obstacle in your path while spray painting every pink object red, thus thwarting their master plan that made no sense at all. Best of luck to you. AYE CARAMBA!

Cleveland Browns 29, Tennessee Titans 28
If Brian Hoyer hasn’t had sex with your daughter yet, you should just let him. He threw 3 TD passes to erase a 28-3 deficit and make the biggest comeback in Browns history. And it was a thing of immense beauty. Although he may not be a great QB, he is finding himself in the right place at the right time. And for being the leader of one of Pro Sport’s biggest jokes, he stepped up when he was needed. While any other Browns QB of recent history would’ve faked a dick injury, he stood tall and said “My dick is fine, the Titan’s defense is filled with holes and I’m going to take advantage of those holes! Also, your daughter.” Travis Benjamin got 2 buttery TD strikes and Taylor Gabriel caught 4 for 95 yards. I know what you’re saying. “Who the fuck are these guys and why is this the first game you’re covering?” Welcome to the 2014 Cleveland Browns, much like the team that the 2013 Cleveland Browns wrote about in their dream journals and Pinterest boards. They may be 2-2, but every game was decided by 3 points or less and each time, they showed the fuck up. They’re in last place in the AFC North, but it’s still anybody’s game. There isn’t a single team that has the capacity to be consistently dominant. Don’t look now, Cleveland. Seriously. Don’t look.

Philadelphia Eagles 34, St Louis Rams 28
I don’t get how the Cardinals can make it so easy for a viewer to zone out of the game. Wait, was it the Cardinals? No, it was the Rams. Damnit. I swear, there were probably 8 different instances during this game that I completely forgot who the Eagles were playing against. I’d be racing for clues and then see Jeff Fisher wearing pink shades. This means two things:

1) The Eagles are playing the Titans
2) Breast cancer is real, not fake. [Although I wonder if fake breasts can get real cancer? Why hasn’t a pink gelatinous ball educated us on that yet?!?]

And although it was a close game, I couldn’t help but feel like the Bills were some fake team that was hired to run a scrimmage. In fact, this whole Eagles season has felt like a lie. How did they win again? Who did they beat? The Panthers? Seahawks? Oilers? The Saskatchewan Roughriders? Why is Roughriders one word? WHERE AM I?!!? Are you there, Chip Kelly?!? Give me a sign!

Good enough.

Green Bay Packers 42, Minnesota Vikings 10
The Vikings were taken out back and beaten with a cheese stick. [Wow, that joke sounded flat and dated before I was even able to finish it. I’m leaving it in there, just so I can learn from my mistakes.] Defensive Tackle, Tom Johnson, was really sad about it. Like super sad. Big time sad. So sad that he went to a steakhouse Saturday night and refused to leave, ending in a stun gun standoff. I’d like to imagine this batshit display of drug concussion steak-induced rage-off was much akin to a segment in David Foster Wallace’s The Broom of the System. In it, a local bigwig billionaire commands that the restaurant staff serves him a grotesque amount of food on an unlimited basis, as he has a master scheme to eat so much that he will expand and slowly take up all of the living space in the universe. But I’m sure Tom wasn’t as witty as Norman Bombardini. I’m sure he rolled into that joint after closing time, babbling and muttering like a privileged jackass while a bunch of people shouted at him in Minnesotan accents. Food was thrown and pans were used as weapons. Probably a little something like this:

Buffalo Bills 17, Detroit Lions 14
Because they didn’t have to deal with such nonsense for 20 years, the Lions are in desperate need of a kicker. Nate Freese did an awful job for the first few games, only making 3/7 field goal attempts. They cut him to make room for Alex Henry, who is much, much worse. In the last two games, he’s 1 for 5. It’s something that I’m trying to wrap my head around, as you would think there’d be thousands of worthy candidates. Being a field goal kicker is a job that 238 Division I players do every year, and then they fight to squeeze into the NFL, where there’s only 32 active kickers. You’d think it’d be easy to find someone competent enough to kick a 40 yard field goal. In fact, I can name 10 people off the top of my head that can do it:

1) Jason Hanson
2) John Carney
3) Matt Prater
4) Some guy named Rick
5) Rob Bironas Neil Young
6) Kenny Loggins
7) You
8) Brian Hoyer
9) Jason Hanson
10) Pelé

There’s plenty of shit-kickers in Michigan. Just have open tryouts at the Cage Fighting tournament or something. There’s one in every town.

Also…

KYLE ORTON?!?

KYLE ORTON!!!

I LOVE YOUR MUSTACHE, KYLE ORTON!!!

Wait, what do you want me to do, Kyle Orton?!?

OH HELL NO! THAT’S SEXUAL HARASSMENT, KYLE ORTON, AND IT’S AGAINST THE LAW! HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED ANYTHING?!?!?

KYLE OOOOOOORRRRRRRRTOOOOONNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!111111“““ONEONEONETWOTHREEONE

San Diego Chargers 31, New Jersey Jets 0
GUFFAW! I don’t know where to begin. This game didn’t feel fair. How in the hell does Antonio Gates always get open in the end zone? This is something that all defenses should’ve learned back in 2005. Antonio Gates scores touchdowns and your job is to stop him. Nobody knows how to do their job. And let’s hear it for Michael Vick! In his triumphant return to the gridiron, he completed 8 passes for 47 yards. The fugg? That’s less than 6 yards per completion. Was he throwing those passes to himself? Because if he did, I think he could easily be able to get 11-12 yard passes if he adjusts his velocity. The Charger’s defense is very middle-of-the-road. The Jets should not have had such a difficult time, if only their offensive line would show some support. In total, they gained 151 yards of total offense. A true sign of a team that has already imploded onto itself.

And if you ask me one more time if I think my Bolts stand a chance in the AFC West, I will start yelling incoherently and bang my head against the wall. So just don’t ask. I can’t make opinions anymore.

Kansas City Chiefs 24, San Francisco 49ers 17
This one was a slobberknocker. Not pretty at all. There’s a common myth that when a future HoF QB moves to a different team and then comes back home, it’s guaranteed to be a physics-defying statfest shootout. That wasn’t the case yesterday, when Joe Montana made his return to Candlestick Park. He could barely muster up 200 yards while Steve Young outshone him, passing 24/34/288. The difference-maker in this game was Marcus Fucking Allen. Much like Montana, I am baffled that he’s still a dominant force every Sunday, after over a decade of puzzling defenses and getting way laid. Also, Derrick Thomas continues to be The Most Terrifying Man In The Universe™. He sacked Steve Young 3 times, including a safety to close out the 2nd quarter. 3 fucking times. I know Stevie is a scrambler, but damn, somebody should give this guy some help, amirite? If the Niner’s O-Line doesn’t buck the fuck up, there’s no possible way they’ll be able to score 49 points against the Chargers in the Super Bowl. Maybe next year, doofuses.

And then, there were the rest of the games:

Pittsburgh Steelers 17, Jacksonville Jaguars 9
Is Blake Bortles still alive? Yeah? Cool. Did he pass for 200 yards? No? Cool. That’s all I needed to know. Did anybody even watch this?

Dallas Cowboys 20, Houston Texans 17
Michael Irvin came in his pants 88 times during NFL Gameday Final. All of those orgasms could be attributed to the fact that Dez Bryant is a Cowboy, he had a good game and he’s #88. BLUH!

Port Authority Giants 30, Atlanta Falcons 20
Eli Manning is so cool that when Hoobastank came to town, he was the first person in line for tickets, and when he was rocking out in the front row, Hoobastank stopped what they were doing and invited him on stage to sing a cover of “Buffalo Soldier”. Cool guy.

Indianapolis Colts 20, Baltimore Colts Browns Ravens 13
Andrew Luck is the perfect fit for my fantasy team. Not only does he lead the league in yards, he really knows how to get passing yards during garbage time. Cool guy.

Carolina Panthers 31, Chicago Bears 24
I’m starting to wonder if there’s going to be any point this season where I feel like the Bears are actually significant. They could go 11-5 and people would still be surprised to see them in the Playoffs. The NFC North is filled with teams that make headlines and have fanbases. Then there’s the Bears.

New Orleans Saints 37, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 31
The talking heads on NFL Network were talking about how Drew Brees hasn’t been very “fluid” this year. You know what isn’t fluid about Michael Irvin? The tone of his voice. LT’s ability to complete his sentences isn’t very fluid, either. Marshall Faulk wouldn’t know fluid broadcasting if it spilled all over him. And Deion Sanders? He gets a free pass. He wasn’t involved in that shit. #truth

Denver Broncos 41, Arizona Cardinals 20
“This technology has peeled back a layer to reveal another universe. Virtual reality will grow, just as the telegraph grew to the telephone – as the radio to the TV – it will be everywhere.” – CyboManning was a man of very few words after the game, once again veering off in his trademark psychobabble about the internet and how he will conquer it.

New England Patriots 43, Cincinnati Bengals 17
Remember when I said that the Patriots were a bad team? You shouldn’t have listened to me. They are the best team in the universe. Tom Brady could charm the Ebola out of a quarantine zone. In fact, he’s already done it. Tom Brady has discovered that he can save the world with a clean shave and a stunning smile.

Washington Redshirts 69, Seattle Seahawks 1
The Redshirts gave it their all. Future HoFer and platinum selling singer, Kirk Cousins, broke another record by throwing for 1082 yards in one play, resulting in the ever-so-rare Triple Touchdown. President McMahon would be pleased. At one point in the game, Jon Kitna pissed himself, awarding the Seahawks with -3 points. This deficit was covered in the 11th inning, when the 13th man scored 4 for the home team.

Join me next week when Christian Ponder sees a movie so entertaining that it kills him.

-TeeCoZee