Geno Smith: Born To Runner Up [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2014 Week 4]

In the middle of the electric shit-storm otherwise known as “The Patriots Struggling To Do Anything That Could Be Deemed Progressive Or Warranting Of Points Of Any Shape Or Form”, professional chucklehead Jon Gruden was having a difficult time finding anything to talk about. So he starts discussing the Patriot’s punter, Ryan Allen, because fuck it. At no point in the season has anybody had the time to talk about the Patriot’s punter. Although Gruden probably knew nothing about him, he was so confident that he would boot it within the 10 yard line that he bet his Per Diem on it, as Mike Tirico treated the situation like it wasn’t the first time that happened. Off the bat, it’s baffling that Jon Gruden get’s paid a Per Diem in the first place. If you’re making $4 Million per year to essentially call 17 football games, there’s no reason whatsoever that a Per Diem should be necessary. But that’s beside the point. It got me thinking: How would the landscape of football change if the broadcasters were able to gamble on air? Football is the only sport that doesn’t have team-specific commentators [with the exception of Aikman and Buckfucksuckface], so bias goes out the window. I’d like to see more biased commentators, as it might make even the most miserable games a little more interesting. Football’s a dramatic sport and if the commentators had big money on the line, every game would be treated like the game of the week!

Green Bay Packers 38, Chicago Bears 17
It’s only week 4 and this season is already screwed up beyond repair. There’s no Alpha Male Duke Of New York A Numba One™, which makes the standings all sorts of confusing. There’s only 2 undefeated teams left and they were both on bye weeks. The Bears have come out of the gates with guns ablazing and the Packers are presumed to be past their prime. And yet, the Packers won with no problem at all? It seems clear that both of these defenses couldn’t stop a papercut from bleeding, but if you look at the boxscore, the Bears had won in every category with the exception of passing yards/TDs. 235 rushing yards? How does any team allow that anymore? And it’s not like they were up against some hotshot rookie, it was Matt Forte, proud AARP Member. When it’s all said and done, I guess 2 turnovers makes a world of difference. And if anybody has any inkling on who the best team in the NFC North really is, I could use some help.

Detroit Lions 24, New Jersey Jets 17
Jets fans are an insufferable breed of mouth-breathing jugheads. They simply don’t appreciate having a professional sports team that, despite their torrid history, will never move away. Every season starts with them being cocky as fuck, letting the whole world know that the Jets are the best instead of all the rest, which is a charade that goes on for 3 weeks tops and then ends with them throwing a tantrum every time the color green of letter J is presented. For one thing, Geno Smith did not do a bad job on Sunday. He didn’t do a great job, but it wasn’t a meltdown. He still completed half of his passes and maintained a one-possession game. Every time he completed a pass, the crowd would cheer accordingly. Whenever that didn’t happen, they went straight to boos. I wonder if they realize that the booing makes them look like spoiled assholes. They act as if they should never have to punt the ball and every play should be a breath-taker. After one lousy turnover, they started doing Michael Vick chants. Suck my wang, have they even watched Vick play in the last 2 years? I feel like the Jets signed him just to dangle in front of the fan’s faces: a quarterback with a household name that won’t take hardly any snaps at all, but we’ll keep you salivating for him all season.

And this is generally my problem with NY sports fans. The first category is the one that will root for the good teams [Yankees and Giants] and then not care one bit about the sport as soon as they slump below .500. The others, well, they claim to be the humble ones. The Rangers are on a 10 year drought, the Mets are going on 28 and I’m not even sure if the Knicks ever won a title of any sort. That’s well and fine, because they realize year and year out that their team sucks, but they love the sport anyway. Then there’s the Jets fans. The special kinds of asshole that pay $100+ on tickets just to heckle them. You would think they would just protest by not going to the stadium at all, but no, fuck you, they’re gonna show up and be heard. It’s not like the Jets are gonna go to where they work and slap the dicks out of their mouths heckle them every time the screw up. Actually, I’d love to see that commercial. Geno Smith and the offensive line going to construction sites and booing all the workers whenever it appears that they’re slacking off. Checking your phone for messages? You fucking suck! We want Chuck to come in! Chuck! Chuck! Chuck! Chuck!

If Geno won’t do it, maybe I’ll just go and do it myself. Sounds like fun.

Port Authority Giants 45, Washington Skins 14
5 Things You Didn’t Know About Eli Manning:

5) He lost The Pepsi Challenge™
4) He shampoos with VO5, but puts it inside a Redken bottle
3) His bike has been stolen 3 times throughout his life
2) He constantly gets Bing and David Crosby mixed up
1) He can’t discern shades of off-white

San Diego Chargers 33, Jacksonville Jaguars 14
I chortled out some Cheerios when this game started. The announcer, who’s voice is as whiny and hollow as Michael Cole in a late ’90s episode of WWF Superstars, announced that leading the Jaguars offense would be Blake Bortles.


Blake Bortles?!?

Really? This guy? Ray Liota Blake Bortles?

Oh man…Blake Bortles…

I realize that a person’s name doesn’t dictate their athletic prowess, but when was the last time a franchise QB had a funny name that rolled off the tongue? See also:

Blane Gabbert
Chad Henne
Bubby Brister
Sean Salisbury
Bobby Hebert
Billy Joe Hobert
David Klingler
Todd Philcox
Stoney Case
Wade Wilson

I could go on for hours. My point is: Funny Name = Funny QB. What wasn’t funny was the fact that the Charger’s secondary did nothing to stop Bortles. In fact, they probably gave him a boost of confidence, as his slash line was an acceptable 29/37/253. The poor guy stands a chance this season, as he’s actually really good at 1 yard passes and the whole world is sick of Chad Henne’s face. And with a name like Blake Bortles, I now have an excuse to keep on writing about the Jags. It should also be noted that this game marked their first rushing TD since last November. JUH?!?!?

On the Chargers side of things, well, a win is a win. They’re on top of the AFC West at 3-1, but I still kind of wish that weren’t the case. Their defense has problems galore and I know Philly Riv’s sudden red zone luck is going to dwindle away quickly. They’re going to be stiffly competing with the Broncos and Chiefs all season, and I can’t really say if they’re the better team. Which basically means that I’m going to spend the year on pins and needles, waiting to be disappointed at the end of the season. In other words, it’s business as usual in Southern California.

Kansas City Chiefs 41, New England Patriots 14
I don’t know what to say about this game. It was a rare treat. In fact, it was the 3rd time in his career that Tom Brady dealt with a 27+ point deficit. As soon as that was established, he was benched. I’ll repeat: Tom Brady was benched! Once the 2nd half started, Gruden and Tirico had nothing to say, other than “The Patriots are not a good team”. On paper, it sounds like a generally bland comment, but it actually says a million things at once. Tom Brady is getting old [according to Pro Football Reference, he’s 37.058 years old, going on 37.059] and he’s not getting the protection to compensate. Other aging superstars like Peyton Manning and Drew Brees continue to be successful because their offensive lines have adjusted to compensate for their age. Tom Brady is no longer getting any help and it was something that came to light last year. His no-name targets are continuing to be no-names putting up no-name numbers and making no-name mistakes. In his first interception of the night, Julian Edelman gave up in the middle of running his route and meandered around, while 2 defenders completed his route for him. Things like that were happening all night, which wouldn’t be at all surprising to see if it wasn’t the Patriots. If the season continues like this, Tom has got to be thinking about his retirement options. Because at this rate, there’s no redemption Super Bowl on the forefront. They’ve had plenty of chances and blew them all. That’s simply the breaks when you’re an NFL quarterback. Perhaps Tom would feel right at home hanging out with Phillip Rivers, Jim Kelly and Warren Moon…

And then, there was the rest of the games:

Baltimore Ravens 38, Carolina Panthers 10
I thought the Panthers were supposed to have the most dangerous defense in the NFL. If that’s the case, then why is the Rice-less Ravens scoring 38 points of their asses? Is it because Joe Flacco is an Elite Quarterback™? Oh fuck, that IS the case, isn’t it?

San Francisco 49ers 26, Philadelphia Eagles 21
The 49ers appear to be so dysfunctional that even when they win, people talk about them as if they lost. With all the bad press they’re getting on ESPN, I kept on having to remind myself that the score wasn’t the other way around. Go figure.

Indianapolis Colts 41, Tennessee Titans 17
There was a stat thrown around vigorously through the preseason, stating that with first-round pick quarterbacks, if they’re going to have a breakout year, it will be on the third year. Although he found a playoff berth last year, this is officially the year of Andrew Luck. Nobody is safe and nothing is what it seems. Proceed accordingly.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 27, Pittsburgh Steelers 24
Did anybody actually watch this game? It’s a shame that in a week full of blowouts, the closest game featured two teams that I had no interest at all in watching. It’s like going to a minor league baseball game: the only thing that matters is that sports is being played.

Miami Dolphins 38, Oakland Raiders 14
Add Matt McGloin to the list of mediocre quarterbacks that have a funny name. In a year that no team seems to be the best, we at least have a worst. If somehow Al Davis sweet talked his way into heaven, I sure as shit hope they don’t have NFL Sunday Ticket.

Minnesota Vikings 41, Atlanta Falcons 28
Uhh, how in the fuck did the Vikings score 41 points? Answers? Anybody? Was it because of Teddy Bridgewater? Who in the fuck is Teddy Bridgewater? He dissected the Falcon’s D, throwing for 317 yards. Or maybe it was Jerick McKinnon, who ran for a buck 35? Or Matt Asiata, who snuck in 3 touchdowns? I’m confused. I thought the Vikings were nothing without AP. Who are these guys?

Dallas Cowboys 38, New Orleans Saints 14
There’s not many things that DeMarco Murray can’t do, especially when he’s up against a defense filled with lepers. It’s strange to see the Saint throw in the towel after only 4 games, but considering their division, there’s no way they can compete. But then again, stranger things are happening this year…

Houston Texans 23, Buffalo Bills 17
Since being traded to Houston, Ryan Fitzpatrick has become a grizzly, brazen, crazed psychopath, hellbent on yelling really loud and throwing efficient shovel passes for no gain.

Look at him. The man can’t be trusted. He’s got the crazy eyes.

Join me next week when Ryan Fitzpatrick retires to go live with a family of sharks, to be replaced by some guy that surely has a funny name.