I’d Rather Think About Linda Kozlowki’s Butt [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good Merino Sweater. I really like the–wait, what the fuck is a Merino? It’s Friday, September 26, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 67˚ & sunny and somewhere, somebody is discovering that they made 2 prequels to Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles. Had he known this, the progression of his life would’ve been a lot different. But not me, I spent most of my childhood infatuated with Linda Kozlowski’s butt. I also have a few things on my mind…

– I really think that the situation with ISIS has gone out of hand. I thought Michael Hutchence was dead, how can they–ah shit, I can’t even concentrate. My mind is still veering to Linda Kozlowski.

Oh god, it’s so plump and firm at the same time. The scene is so unexpected and unnecessary. It’s one of cinema’s finest moments. I can’t believe I was allowed to watch this as a kid. This was back in the heyday of racy PG-13 movies, when it was okay to put overt sexuality in a movie as long as the budget was big and the hero was a hunk [was Paul Hogan considered a hunk? Or was he a dweeb, but an Australian Dweeb [which = hunk]?]. This scene has been burned into my memory since day one. I couldn’t even be near water without thinking about it. Every time I’d go to a pond, creek or swimming hole, I would imagine Linda surveying the location, deciding that she’s alone [even though I’m standing right there [I must be a ghost]] and stripping for a summer bath. But then the scary crocodile would pop out of the water and I’d run away screaming. That’s basically my childhood in a nutshell: I was so paranoid that even my sexual fantasies would turn into nightmares. In fact, my first wet dream ended in me falling off a diving board and drowning.

– My internet has been running really slow lately, because Cablevision. Hulu struggles to load ads, which extends commercial breaks from 90 seconds to 520. There was an ad for Verizon FIOs, in which they slowed down an escalator to piss people off and then later tried to prove a point to them about download/upload speeds and Verizon is so much better at everything and blah blah blah generic curly haired lady. I had to watch this ad, which is about slowness, in super slow motion, which moreso proves their point. It felt like they made the ad load slow on purpose, so that watching these people move excruciatingly slow would be even more excruciatingly slow. Kudos to you, Verizon. But I can’t switch to FIOs because Cablevision has my balls in a vice. Help me.

– Alright, you asked for it. You begged and pleaded for it to come back. Actually, no, you didn’t. In fact, you probably don’t remember my Ad Nauseous series, in which I dissected horrible subway ads. Due to unpopular demand, I’m bringing it back. And this time, he wants revenge. And one of your Bagel Bites®.

This week’s subject is hyping the new spinoff, NCIS New Orleans, a show that I’ve never watched, nor have I treated any of its viewers with dignity or respect. I get it. They’re standing in CG New Orleans. You can tell by the Mardi Gras beads, the superimposed sad face mask thingy and the fact that they’re pretending as hard as they can that they’re have a really, really good time. First off, I’ve never seen a more bland group of adults pretending to be young and hip. You can clearly tell that all of these people hate eachother, with the exception of the old black lady, who is infatuated with the poor man’s Bill Paxton. I know nothing about NCIS or any of the shows that have initials for names, but I would assume that it’s a coming of age tale in which old college roommates go through a mid-life crisis and decide to move to New Orleans, their old Spring Break stomping grounds. It’s like Men Of A Certain Age, but with more product placement and partial nudity. Or at least I’m assuming that’s what it’s about. Here’s the sypnosis of the pilot [via Wikipedia]:

“A Congressman is found murdered in New Orleans, Gibbs and his team join forces with Fornell’s FBI team and the local NCIS field. Gibbs reunites with long-time compatriot and friend NCIS Special Agent Dwayne “King” Pride (Scott Bakula). With that, Gibbs and Bishop head to New Orleans while DiNozzo and McGee stay in D.C. to work the case with Fornell. Things soon become personal as the Congressman was a former NCIS agent and their contemporary and his murder could possibly be linked to one of their old cases. The episode ends with Gibbs, Pride and Agents Meredith Brody (Zoe McLellan) and Christopher LaSalle (Lucas Black) standing in a square while from a hotel room, the unrevealed killer begins taking surveillance photographs of the NCIS team as Gibbs and Pride look on.”

What the hell? This is about murder and deception and shit?!?!? WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE SMILING?!? DON’T THEY KNOW THAT THERE’S A MURDERER AFTER THEM?!? This show is being advertised as a feel-good romp when really it’s a feel-murdered romp! That’s the last time I trust CBS!

– The concept of soap freaks me out. I understand that it’s an object that makes things clean, but what if the soap itself is contaminated? How do you wash soap? If you drop a bar of soap in the toilet, do you have to take another bar of soap and scrub it? Would that cause a bubble overload? These are things that we don’t generally think of, because no matter what, soap is always considered “clean”, even though it’s probably the most filthy object in the room.

– The Top 5 Most Dangerous Objects On My Desk:

5) Scissors
4) Butter Knife
3) Box Cutter
2) Lighter
1) The J Train

– I saw a girl the other day. She was like, “Hi” and I was like, “Sup”. We never spoke after that. I decided to try to get in touch with my exes but then decided not to, because I got distracted. I think her boyfriend sent me a friend request. My love life was written by an unemployable narcoleptic box of oatmeal. Steel cut.

Try this trick over the weekend: Find a person. Predict what he/she is going to say. Say it. Now they’re jinxed.

Have a silent weekend, everyone!

-TeeCoZee