I’d Rather Get Mugged By A Magician [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good Moleman. It’s Friday, September 19, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 61˚ & sunny and somewhere, somebody is scheming to rob a liquor store, but is immediately distracted by the fact that The Price Is Right is on TV. Every day, he starts his scheme and every day, it’s quickly thwarted by the amicable Drew Carey. Meanwhile, I have no time for Plinko. I’ve got some things on my mind.

– This week is going to be another speed trial, as I wasted entirely too much time this morning. Now I only have 45 minutes to write this, edit this, promote this and make a pack of cigarettes. It also doesn’t help that I type with only two fingers. Guess which one’s I use! I’ll give you a hint: it’s one on each hand. I’ll give you another hint: shit, I’m running out of time! Gah!

– Yeah, that’s right, fuckface. It was me that did it. You thought it was somebody else. You would think that. Because you’re a know-nothing nobody. A nothingmaster. Yeah, I bought the last box of Multigrain Cheerios. WHAT! You gonna do something about it, twerp? I didn’t think so! IT’S MY BREAKFAST NOW, BITCHES!

– I’ve never ingested cocaine with my morning breakfast, but if I did, it would probably be comparable to drinking a bottle of Grady’s Cold Brew. I did just that yesterday, and I was immediately tap dancing on the moon. I swear to Hoyer that I was glistening. Cartwheels, jumping jacks, the Electric Slide, I was on top of all that shit. But then bad things started to happen. By 3:00, every ounce of energy I had was depleted. By 4:30, I couldn’t even think. By 7:00, I was bleary-eyed, clutching my stomach, lying in the fetal position in the corner of my office while people threw popcorn at my helpless body. By 9:00, I had blacked out completely. I would say that drinking a whole bottle of Grady’s isn’t a good idea, but I just drank another whole bottle. And it feels so good…

– I saw a gang of hoodlums on the train last night, because hoodlums always travel in gangs. It got me thinking that gang initiation is coming up soon and I should probably watch my back act extra paranoid and freak myself out 24/7. I think this year I’m going to do my research on when initiation is for each gang, so I can dress accordingly. With my wardrobe, I could definitely be a member of the Toronto Chapter of The Crips and I probably have The Bloods covered too. Regardless, there were hoodlums on the train, wilding out and acting foolish, pants around their ankles, getting buckwild, all that bullshit. But then I noticed that one of them was carrying a magic set. And not just any magic set, this one was some 1993 As Seen On TV Magic Set. The real deal, the good stuff. This really sent me through a loop, as they seemed like they were up to no good. Perhaps they were trying to turn their lives around by becoming magicians, so they went to a pawn shop and bought the first magic set they found? Did they just finish up a birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese? Did they rob a magic shop? Did they mug a magician, whose illusioning was so bad that he/she couldn’t even get out of said bind? Or maybe it’s just the new thing kids are doing now. After all, the 90’s are back…

– I was shopping for shoes online today, because I have a Peter Pan syndrome. Suddenly, my computer shut off. I’ve had this iMac for 7 years now, and it’s only been repaired once. So naturally, I incessantly brag about how my computer is invincible without even looking for wood to knock on. When it shut off, I immediately thought to myself, “Welp, no shoes for Troy. Now I have to shell 2 grand on a computer”. But then I hit the power button, it turned back on and I finished my shoe purchase.

– Top 5 States That I Hate Being In:

5) Hot
4) Tired
3) Wet
2) Naked
1) New Jersey

– This weeks Letter To Coze comes from Mibbit Chat:

Hi there to every one, the contents present at this website are actually remarkable for people knowledge, well, keep up the good work fellows.

Hi there to you, the contents present at this message are actually useless for people knowledge, well, burn in hell please robot from hell fellow.


– I was watching porn the other day and I dozed off for a good 5 minutes. The whole experience made me realize that I’m getting too accustomed to pornography. Whenever I see a pizza guy walk into an apartment, I think to myself, “That guy has watched porn before”. Whenever I see a cable guy, I think to myself, “That guy’s going to install a channel with porn on it”. Whenever I watch The Cable Guy, I think to myself, “This is not porn. I should watch some porn”.

– Fall is the best season, because it’s comfortable to be outside, the mosquitoes have migrated south and I have lots of pockets. No matter what, pockets over everything.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start

Have 30 weekends, everyone!