I WISH I WAS BACK AT BURNING MAN [WEDNESDAY WHININGS WITH H2K]
Good Wednesday! Time is just a concept we’ve created to time our orgasms. Also, it might not even be Wednesday where you are, and it’s actually already Thursday here, secret space alien…This will have to be part 1 of a four part saga I’d like to call “Burning Man, or how I learned to stop whining and love the burn”
A lot has happened in the last three weeks, I’m not pregnant yet… but there is still hope!
I did my first cross country road trip from NY to Colorado, it was great, I saw a lot of gas stations, they were beautiful! All of our walking breaks consisted of perusing the isles of Kum & Go, Love’s, Texaco and many more. My favorite was in Intercourse, Pennsylvania (Amish Country, mind you), where I discovered a dark hidden secret boiling within me. At the gas station in Intercourse, I wandered aimlessly, between the native american relics and “Evening Magic” condoms, there were plenty of touchable items. I finally come across a pair of yellow rapist aviators and a sexy camo hat, of course I put them on discovering my inner “Hester the Molester” and basking in a moment of good old fashion fun. Once that was over, I continued to walk around, touching objects in the store for about 20 minutes. I finally decide to buy some local intercourse beef jerky and gum. I go up to the cashier and reach for my wallet and all of the sudden a loud clank echoes through the sad, sad walls — something fell on the ground, It’s the sunglasses, the yellow rapist sunglasses. I’m like… what? and the cashier is like WHAT? THE FUCK? He’s pissed.
I spent the next 10 minutes trying to explain to him that I wasn’t trying to steal the sunglasses… I mean I SWEAR I wasn’t. I think it went something like this:
“ I had no idea that was there…”
“ I like… sleep stole it? ”
“ I was in an altered mental state “
“ I think it was a reflex, because I never lose my sunglasses I always habitually put them back in my bag ”
“ They got caught onto my bag? and then fell in? and fell out again? “
I mean, those are all possibilities.
We ended on a good note, I told the angry cashier “well, this is Intercourse, PA… why don’t we solve this the old fashioned way?” Let’s just say, I left with two pairs of sunglasses that day… no jerky though.
Top 5 Reasons I love lists:
1. Decimel points with words after them
3. Remembering shit
4. Just listing additional things in order to make yourself feel cool
5. All of the above (a.k.a the cop out list item)
A #selpee is a selfie that you take while peeing. I took a bunch of those… it just felt right.
#Selpee (a poem)
You may have seen me
on the grams
what looks like a selfee
I ALWAYS LOOK CUTE
You know, I may have
maybe a poop?
I didn’t take any at burning man… but thats because of all the acid. Hashtags on acid is/are/was/wanted to be a totally different experience.
“Labas” means hello in Lithuanian. Your welcome.
Xaque: Hunky Bicycle Heart Breaker Bruise Maker (X:HBHBBM)*
Cozy Bear had bought me a playa bike, $35 and not working. You can peddle and move, but the moment you start cruisin, you’re fucked. First, the bike would spaz like a dying goat, then completely seize and lock down. After a few tries, the chain gave. I swang it around my head in anger. Trubdr said there was a bike camp, Zack(h) will hoook it up. We head over. Zack(h) is not there… but Hot Wings is, and Hot Wings has all the tools. He fixes the broken chain, licks his palms, and sends me on my merry way. However, the broken chain was just a symptom, there was something internally fucked up about this bike, and Hot Wings did not address that (pull it together Hot Wings).
So off to the playa I ride, thinking my bike is fixed (it’s not), seizure number two happens and now I’m stuck in the middle of the desert. I look at the sky and scream WHY GOD WHY?! A dust storm emerges. Ferocious clouds of white dust take over my vision and I see nothing, not even my own boobs. All of a sudden, a figure appears on bike, through the storm, a sexy muscle-man with a bandana covering his whole face and ski goggles covering what I will later discover to be smoldering retina display eye sockets. I basically came right there, Zack(h) found us.
He fixed my bike, and I was obsessed. He touched my leg, I poured beer in his mouth, and I gave him a lighter that had “pussy” written on it, hoping it would foreshadow some real pussy giving in the near future. When I went back to camp I decided I needed to show him who he was dealing with, I’m fucking Hila the Killa goddamnit. So I wrote him this song:
Rap for Bike Master Zack(h):
I gave you my pussy
You fixed my bike
when I look at you
I know I’m not a dyke
I’ll sit on your seat
you can peddle hard
I decided to seduce you
with a musical card
I gave you my pussy
you fixed my gears
I got a one speed now
will you fuck me for 2 beers?
I want to eat your dick.
That’s all I had, I later wrote a bunch of bike related words and their rhyming counterparts, but it didn’t go much further. It was a masterpiece. I planned to write it on a postcard (from Intercourse, PA) and send it to him later that day.
Luckily I ran into him first.
To be continued…
*no names have been changed to protect anyone, this is true and embarrassing for all parties involved… or maybe just me.
Six Reasons to Love Yourself
1. More masturbation
2. Skin glows
3. Smiling can be fun
4. You’ll enjoy your reflection (even through pee)
5. You’ll be more likely to convince others to love you
6. Treat yo’ self
So I wasn’t on Tinder during Burning Man… because, well I didn’t even need to throw a stick to hit a dick in the woods if you know what I’m saying. But If there was Tinder at Burning Man, I feel like it would be pretty amazing
THEREFORE I HEREBY announce that next week will be the first “Tinder Burn” of Burn…ing man (I’ll put them together later) Help the cause by sending me your favorite playa picture, or i’ll just pick one and shame the hell out of your beautiful self loving self.
TINDER BURN #4 – Richard
Who is that in the background of your picture? I mean, I think we’d be perfect, but if you got some black box head friend hanging around… I’ve been down that road before and I don’t like it. First it’s all like, he’s just my homeboy… he’s kind of shy, don’t worry about the giant black square that hides his whole face… he’s just kind of ashamed of himself. And then its like… just let him stay one night, in our bed. Anyway, I’m glad you’re 5’9 and active within 50 seconds because otherwise this would be a huge deal breaker.
UNTIL NEXT YEAR (I would never do that to you)
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