The Brief and Terrible Reign of Hoyer [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2014 Week 1]

If you may remember anything at all, I alluded that last season was going to be the last year for NFL Roundups. I don’t know who the joke’s on. In fact, I really didn’t anticipate any of this coming. The season totally crept up on me. I did my fantasy drafts, then one boring Thursday at work, I went to check my baseball stats and saw that my football teams were scoring points. The NFL season had started without even a resonating whimper in my consciousness. I walked outside, and my face was met with a thick, wet cloud of humidity. But in my mind, it was a cool fall breeze. I could faintly smell burning leaves and apples growing or something. Sitting in the miserable summer wonderland, I let Autumn envelop me and I nestled in its bosom. At that point I knew it was time to start writing again. Sit back, relax and bear with me. It’s been a very long time since I’ve even thought about football.

Seattle Seahawks 36, Green Bay Packers 16
After shocking/boring the world with their dominance in the Super Bowl, it has become clear that the Seahawks are now the villains of the NFL. Their stadium is too fucking loud. It’s a riot-sized mass of brainwashed green-haired goons that lose their shit ad nauseum for 3+ hours, obviously a ploy to make the other team screw up. The whole experience doesn’t seem like a sanctioned football game, but rather a fictionalized one where one of the athletes dies but the crowd is too amped up on amphetamines and free Skittles to even notice or care. And the man behind the curtain has the sole intention of using the team to dismantle and discredit any team that has ever existed in professional sports. Just look at Pete Carroll. Take a good and long look. Does he look like a man that could ruin the world as we know it? Does he look like a man that would enjoy such a thing? Or is he just a goon? A cronie? A patsy? Is there some other mastermind behind the whole facade, somebody that has never been named, seen or recognized? It could be any one of us and we wouldn’t know it. After all, who actually Hawks the Seahawks? The only thing we do know is that the Green Monster is growing and if it expands any further, permanent damage could be made. Damage to us and our loved ones. Except for Aunt Rita, who never cared too much for sports.

Atlanta Falcons 37, New Orleans Saints 34
Oh noes! According to Fox Sports, the Durty Byrds finished 4-12 last season becuz Drew Breeze pwned dem in week 1. This time was, like, totally different. Matty Light Ice was tossing bombers all over the damn place, negating the fact that both teams have an 11-man defense. But that feat was easy to accomplish, considering that Julio Motherclucking Jones is back for good [or until he has a season-ending root canal] and they actually found a way to properly utilize Devin Hester. Yes, you read it correctly: The Falcons are using Devin Hester on their offense…and it’s actually working. Even Steven Jackson rushed for 52 yards, in what can only be described as a “valiantly cute” effort. I’m not sure what this game actually says about how the NFC South will develop this year, but I do know that it’ll be interesting. That is, if you’re into that weird shit…

Pittsburgh Steelers 30, Cleveland Browns 27

I could go on for hours about Antonio Brown’s stupendously badass karate kick that would put Michael Boley’s Face Spike™ to shame. I could dedicate a whole roundup to the subject. But I won’t, you’re welcome. Instead, I’m going to do much worse and talk about the Browns. We’re about to enter the brief and terrible reign of Brain Hoyer and he brought some friends along to join him. Like Miles Austin. Remember that guy? He was really cool back when Romo was dating Underwood and Taco Bars were free. And let’s not forget about Travis Benjamin. Is he a running back? Is he a wide receiver? Why did he suddenly change his number to 11? He’s crazy! A loose cannon! And then there’s Andrew Hawkins, who was probably the most overrated aspect of Andy Dalton’s overrated arsenal. All of these guys will get 2 or 3 catches per game with the rest of Hoyer’s passes being shoveled to the sideline. Hoyer’s average YPG will go just over the Mendoza Line and he’ll be serviceable enough to be forgotten instead of hated. On paper, this team looks pretty awful. But when the time comes that they have a 6-2 run and everybody is asking about who the hell these guys are, you have been informed. It’s “these guys”.

Miami Dolphins 33, New England Patriots 20
Huhhhh-whahhhhhh?!? That’s right, sheeple. The Dolphins actually beat New England. And what’s even more fancy, they actually deserved to win. If you’re looking for a sleeper team to bandwagon onto, you have it right here. The acquisition of Knowshon Moreno is probably the best move of the off-season. Their offensive line is systematically designed to give him the small holes he needs. The same can be said about Lamar Miller, as the duo rushed for 193 yards. On the defensive side, Cameron Wake was fuggin beastly, racking up 2 sacks and 2 forced fumbles. Truth be told, the Dolphins did everything in their power to jam up Bill Belichick and they did exactly that. The only problem is that Ryan Tannehill has no wheels [or a throwing arm], but considering the fucky landscape of the AFC East, that doesn’t seem to be a problem at all. Look for them to get more wins and for me to give less of a shit.

Cincinnati Bengals 23, Baltimore Ravens 16
Nobody could care less about the Raven’s struggling. All they care about is Joe Namath wanting to kiss you Ray Rice getting indefinitely suspended from the NFL. I will try to keep my argument as succinct and unoffensive as possible: Ray Rice got hosed. Big time. You can hate me all you want, but it’s not like I condone domestic violence. It’s just that in a sport filled with such evil people, suckerpunching a loved one is pure child’s play. Ben Roethlisberger is a known rapist. Michael Vick smuggled drugs and killed animals for shits and giggles. We all know that Ray Lewis killed that guy. Plaxico Burress and Pacman Jones shot off guns in the club. Ricky Williams quit football altogether to pursue a career in weed smoking. The Kansas City Chief’s offense have been responsible for hundreds of suicides. And yet, all of these guys were easily forgiven. I mean, give me a fucking break. I’ve mentioned this in the past, but these things are instilled into football culture. These men are programmed to get whatever they want whenever they want it, because that’s what keeps their blood pumping. This is why things like Stubenville happened and I am confident that behind closed doors, hundreds of football players have abused their spouses in the heat of the moment. I’m not saying that this is excusable in any sort of way, but we have to know that athletes are not people to look up to. They are not our heroes and they are not our role models. They are there to entertain us, and when they make human errors and do despicable deeds, it’s not the end of the world. What I don’t understand is that Ray was already serving a 2 game suspension for the incident. If it wasn’t for punching his fiancee, then why was he suspended? Although there was no real video evidence at the time, I thought it was clear that he was serving a suspension for assaulting her. With that said, what difference does it make that the video was released after the fact? How does that make anything different? Is it because the assault is now a tangible event that everybody has to cry Pete Rose? The fact that remains is that we have too much access to information. Could you imagine being a kid and trying so hard to get into sports, but every athlete you look up to has his dirty laundry aired out for everyone to see? There are so many kids that are going to be really confused and heartbroken when their parents burn their cherished Ray Rice jersey. I can’t make excuses for the guy, but if we gave people just a little bit more privacy, things like this would never happen. This is all too common in football, and I’ve said it before, but it still rings true that we are witnessing the slow destruction of the sport that we know and love, one player at a time.

Denver Broncos 31, Indianapolis Colts 24
After what was probably one of the poorest Super Bowl performances in history, CyboManning had to prove that his bolts weren’t rusted. He did just that in the first half and then, well, fell asleep again. Don’t get me wrong, Cybo’s performance was still decent. He slashed 22/36/269, which, well, isn’t that great for his standards. He spent a good amount of time relying on Montee Ball to eat up the clock, which worked well on his end, but it didn’t stop Andrew Luck from rallying. They came back from a 24-0 deficit to put the game within 7, but in the end, they proved that they’re the Colts, will always be the Colts and will die Colts.

Arizona Cardinals 18, San Diego Chargers 17
In speaking of self-fulfilling prophecies, the Chargers haven’t changed at all. In their last 4 week 1 appearances on Monday Night Football, they half lost 3 within one score. I simply have no expectations for them this year. Philly Rivs is and will always be the ultimate choke artist, who is so good at choking that nobody ever realizes that he chokes all the time. I caught his final drive, where he constantly failed to make shovel pass after shovel pass. At first, I was excited to catch the end of the game, but after one play, my stomach sank and I knew what I was in for. And that was the first full minute of football I watched all season. The spark in my eye might be gone, but I still have an undying love for the sport. A certain nagging love that I feel obligated to share to all of you week after week.

But in order to keep this love innocent, some changes need to be made. I just don’t have the time to watch every football game and then report back to you about them. In previous years, I would simply pull something out of my ass and/or refuse to cover the game altogether. This season is all about honesty and the dangers that go with it. From now on, I’m not going to bullshit you. Which leads us to the second half of the roundup, The Rest Of The Rest 2. In this section, I’ll graze over every game I didn’t watch/gave two poos about, covering each game with one word per point scored. Let’s finish this fucker!

Minnesota Vikings 34, St Louis Rams 6
I understand that it’s week 1, but would it be fair to the rest of the league if the Rams just up and quit? Shawn Hill is getting nowhere faster than Jeff Fisher’s acting career, which was pretty damned fast.

Buffalo Bills 23, Chicago Bears 20
I want to take a minute to honor this game’s head linesman, Jim Mello. He has been an NFL Official for 10 years and you might remember him from such popular games as 49ers-Skins 2005 or Jets-Titans 2007. His full stats are here.

Philadelphia Eagles 34, Jacksonville Jaguars 17
I never thought I’d say it, but this game was a real cannon fest between gunslingers buttclingers Nick Foles and Chad Henne. If Blaine Gabbert were still playing, things could be different. 266 passing yards? Yeah right, more like 66.2. Burn! We need to bring Gabbert back! Keep Jacksonville shitty!

Tennessee Titans 26, Kansas City Chiefs 10
No, check it, this is Andy Reid’s new dynamic strategy. Instead of coming out of the gate, the Chiefs are going to spend most of the year pretending to be terrible. And then BAM! DOUBLE WHAMMY!

New Jersey Jets 19, Oakland Raiders 14
Wait, David Carr is still alive? He’s still starting for an NFL team? And what’s this? People are picking the Jets to win the Super Bowl? I must’ve travelled to 2005 again. Damnit!

Houston Texans 17, Washington Redskins 6
Are Gee Three? More like, Are Gee Two, amirite? Up top! With the way it looks, nobody’s getting out of DC unoffended. Nobody.

Carolina Panthers 20, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 14
I was busy proofreading the roundup and I had a quick thought: “Wow, covering that Bucs game was easy!”. Then I realized I hadn’t written anything yet. There. Suck it, Birdo.

San Francisco 49ers 28, Dallas Cowboys 17
Oh man, this would be a really sweet game if the year was 1994. And if it were 1994, the score and stats would be just about the same. As my disdain towards marquee matchups with semi-predictable outcomes continues, nobody knows what I’m talking about.

Detroit Lions 35, Port Authority Giants 14
From what I gathered on the Facebook feeds, Matt Stafford looks great. Apparently he started this thing where he steps into his passes instead of standing still/flailing in the wind. Could this mean another playoff season? Short answer yes with an if. Long answer no, with a but.

Join me next week, when I’ll try to ramble less and shoot off more nonsequitors!

-TeeCoZee