I WISH I KNEW YOU BETTER [WEDNESDAY WHININGS WITH H2K]

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Hello! Hope you’re having a nice Wednesday! Thank you Rob Shmidt, I will. Last week Wednesday took a vacation, this week he’s beating himself up for eating too many fish tacos on said vacation. Some people just can’t be happy.

I met an Englishman with blond leg hair and a hot pink fitted hat. He dared me to write about him. He thought I wouldn’t. Well here it is! BOOYA Jacob, you’re documented. He has a website that doesn’t work, so go check it out. 

Sometimes I listen to sexy music and pretend that I have a boyfriend.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT TODAY:

1. How many times is the world record for amount of shits taken in a day?
2. What constitutes one singular shit?
3. If you had unlimited scissors, what would you cut?
4. Is it water or is it melonade?
5. The printing press had a funeral, but you didn’t show up.

Next week will be my last Whinings before Burning Man. After that this blog is going to turn into psychedelic musings and world revelations. The whole thing will be typed like this: dkljd djsue  :):):):) djdjddjdj lqqqq dusiaenzk SKFHAWLS — because who needs order and words, can’t you feel the presence of my thoughts? Yeah, I thought so.

Sometimes you fall in love with someone who makes you wet your bed.

This week has made me remember all the Robin Williams films that I have seen growing up. Every single one made my life so much cooler than my parents who were not young and impressionable at the time (they are now, and easily peer pressured). Between Jumanji and Bird Cage, I guess I forgot what a tremendous influence this man was. I kind of feel shitty for not posting a status on facebook, but I think that if anyone (anyone) wanted to know what I felt about anything they would just ask me. And no one did. And no one does. Fuck.

Fruit flies are the worst. They look like little tiny gerbil turds flying around your garbage, waiting to feel movement so they can circle around and make you want to puke before sitting right back in the garbage. They are gross. I just want to tell them that theres more to life than sitting around trash. I want to hold them by their gerbil shit shoulders and say “Goddamn it! Don’t you see that everything is shit around you!? You’re putting yourself here… you chose this life, why don’t you take a walk outside and hang around flowers like the other flying insects do?” No… you choose shit. 

THINGS THAT SMELL BAD VS. THINGS THAT FEEL GOOD

1. Baby farts vs. Nipple play
2. Old rancid milk vs. Foot massage
3. Morning breath vs. AC on a hot day
4. Trash vs. Trashy Hooker after an 8-ball
5. Undeoderized armpit vs. Conditioned hair

Sometimes I want to mate in the wild, however, I don’t want twigs in my ass.

I have issue with saying the same joke over and over again to the same people like one immediately after the other. I’ve noticed that it causes a weird condition where people avert their eyes and look around the room uncomfortably. It’s like “A man walked into a bar, ouch” “A man walked into a bar, ouch” “A man walked into a bar, ouch.” Last week paul told me he “already heard that one” whatever that means.

I might move to Nebraska for you… just saying

TINDER BURN #3 – Michael

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Michael, I will show up for you 80% of the time. The other 20% I’m going to spend fucking your best friend, but I hope thats okay. The color blue of your track suit is my favorite color blue. I like that it shines. I think that you’ll get me into shape, or at the very least help me live out my fantasy of being a cute Asian girl. Can we take pictures of each other taking each others picture?! I will put my hair up in pigtails for you and eat lollypops that are not age appropriate. I think we’re perfect for each other. I mean… we both like Family Guy.

That’s it for now! Enjoy your weekend and Thursday… thursday, always the day that gets in the way.

P.S. I have no recollection of taking todays picture. However, it is a selfpee (I hope you enjoyed that)

Until the shit ends

H2K

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