I’d Rather Live In East Canarsieville City [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Gold mining. It’s Friday, August 8th, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 77˚ & sunny and somewhere, somebody is painstakingly trying to tell his/her friend the difference between The Mamas & The Papas, Joni Mitchell and Toni Braxton. After this is accomplished, there will be fritters. Bet your sweet bippy on that. Or your bitter bippy. I’m not a gambling man, but I’m willing to bet both bippys that the friend is tone deaf and the fritters will be of the plum variety. I also have a few things on my mind.

– I saw a lawn ornament of a turtle donning sunglasses and riding a bicycle. That is a very improbable lawn ornament! First off, a turtle might be wearing shades, but that still doesn’t make him cool. The creator should stop trying to fool the masses and the poor loser turtle itself. Secondly, how in the fuck is that turtle going to ride a bicycle?!? Turtles move slow, which means that they pedal slow, meaning that the second after the lawn ornament picture was taken, that turtle fell flat on his side, probably breaking his shell and ruining his life altogether. Now the turtle is the loneliest specimen on the planet, homeless, shell-less, rocking a pair of shades not because it’s cool, but because they melted on his face after the bike accident. He slowly wanders the streets alone, wondering why home owners didn’t want more realistic turtle portraits such as, “Turtle stands there”, “Turtle eats pizza”, “Turtle takes a bath” or “Turtle stands a little bit to the left”. Animal cruelty is a serious issue in the world of lawn ornamenting. Be sure to think twice and do your research before you make hasty decorative decisions with your lawn.

– I’m probably definitely the 500th person to complain about this, but Williamsburg Proper is no longer tolerable enough to spend 30 minutes in. I saw the gradual degression happening from years away, but it’s finally got to the capping-off point where you can’t be there without getting a headache. My initial fear was that it was turning too much into Manhattan. For a while, it seemed to be prepping for an annexation of the Meat Packing District. Too many high heels and limousines for it to feel like Brooklyn. That tended to go away quickly [or maybe move north to Greenpoint] and Billy regained his Hipster credibility, but when he did so, it seemed like he was being sarcastic about the whole thing. Now, you walk down Bedford Ave and it feels like you got punched in the face by a unicyclist while some guy in a yacht cap dumps fair trade glitter on you. It’s making fun of itself. Each restaurant seems as ridiculous as the next, while the clientele don’t even present themselves as real people. Almost as if these people were paid to be there. As if it were some sort of–no, it can’t be. But then I saw a gang of tourists, sporting Urban Outfitters from head to toe [for some reason, I know their entire catalogue] eating slices of Organic Gluten Free Fair Trade Dairy Free New York Style Philly Cheesesteak Brick Oven Deep Dish Pizza and one of them yelled out, “THIS IS THE LIFE!”. At that moment, I had a full-on panic attack, with fists swinging. The whole thing, all of it, is an amusement park. It’s no longer designed for somebody to live and sustain in, but now targeted for the enjoyment of guests and only guests. It’s Times Square for Europeans and teenagers with credit cards and bubble gum. There were tour groups that took up entire intersections. There was a guy on the corner selling framed art, pitching it as “White Man; Black Dick For Nose”. And he probably made money off it. It’s sad to think that a place I once purposely visited to “have fun” is now a soul-less black hole. I feel bad for anyone that lives there. In fact:

Top 5 Places That I’d Rather Live In Than Williamsburg:

5) East Flatbush
4) Starret City
3) Brownsville
2) Canarsie
1) The Upper East Side

– I had a dream last night that a dog really liked me and was licking my face for 2 hours. I woke up with the horrible epiphany that I’m so far gone, I can’t even dream about human affection anymore.

– I was waiting in line at McDonalds the other day because fuck you, there’s hash browns. Out of the blue, a rogue manager decided to open up a closed register and wave me over. This was something that has never happened at the Bed-Stuy McDonalds before, because it isn’t allowed at the Bed-Stuy McDonalds. Before she even finished taking my order, every McJobber behind the counter started giving her endless shit. Saying thing’s like “You’re going to screw everything up”, “I don’t know how they did it where you come from, but…” and “The fuck you doing that for?”. In the moment, I was very proud of this working class hero, that went the extra mile and defied odds/rules to give me better service. I really wanted to give her a high-five, but she kept pacing around like there was something she was supposed to be doing. After 2 minutes, I realized that this “manager” was probably only 18 years old and actually DID screw everything up. Everybody was running around like chickens with their heads cut off. My unexpected order must’ve put a clog in the system and caused all the monitors to go haywire. Or maybe they couldn’t handle the volume of orders coming from 4 registers. After 5 minutes, I was asked what my order was, then asked again after 6 minutes, while the “manager” stared forlornly into the empty deep fryer, nodding to herself. Let that be a lesson to you: If you ever have faith in a McDonalds employee, you’re about to be sorely disappointed.

– I find it baffling that when shopping for coffee filters at your local bodega, 80% of the time you’re only going to find the cone filters. I’ve been drinking coffee since the age of 12. I’ve owned many coffee makers, seen many coffee makers and used many coffee makers. Not once in that 15 year span did I use a cone filter. Is there something that I’m missing out on, here? Does it maker your coffee taste triangular instead of circular? I’m probably missing out on an entire sub-set of the coffee culture. You people are probably sitting at your monitors, laughing, drinking cone coffee with one hand and unlocking your boat with the other. Get over yourself. I can unlock boats too, if I had the keys…

– If you go to Midtown during rush hour, it seems like every individual in the massive crowd has their fists clenched and they sway them in an outward position. This means that at any given moment, you can get whaled in the nuts. I’m surprised I don’t see it more often.

– This week’s Letter To Coze comes from Cognitine Corp III:

“Eat THIS… Never Forget a Single Thing Again?”

I’m confused? Why was that in the form of a question? Did you forget what this thing I am supposed to eat actually does? Does it do anything at all? Will it make my dreams come true? Will it get rid of my red beard? Will I grow more mass? Does all food cause mass to increase? Where are you right now? What are you wearing? Why don’t you just eat the food, and tell me what it does? Will you please do it? Are you eating yet? What does it tase like?

Will you please elaborate?

Sincerely,
Coze?

Try this trick over the weekend: Shuffle a deck of cards and approach a stranger. Tell him/her to pick a card, any card. After the card is chosen, run away while screaming, “It’s YOUR card now, sucker!”

Have a magical weekend, everyone!

-TeeCoZee