I’d Rather Listen To “Return Of The Mack” Remixes [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good Marlin. Bad Marlin. No matter what way you look at it, it’s still a fucking Marlin. You gonna buy something or what? It’s Friday, July 25, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 78˚ & sunny and somewhere, somebody is getting laid, while imagining scenarios that are equal in bodaciousness to the morning coitus that he’s participating in, which includes but is not limited to: high-fiving the president, that thing with the pins in it that creates the outline of your hand/car keys/wang, an Abe Lincoln Pez® Dispenser, that Blind Mellon song that everybody likes, alien shades– oh whoops, he just came inside of her and now his life is over. That was a mistake, but at least it wasn’t mine. I’m rad enough to practice abstinence and I have a few things on my mind.

– It’s been a few weeks since I’ve graced the interwebs with my presence and I have a somewhat legitimate excuse. I blame it all on my inability to control the climate of my environment. It hasn’t been that sweltering of a summer, in fact it’s been ridiculously mild, but when you exist on different ends of the spectrum, the brain becomes scrambled. I’ve been working six 10 hour days per week, and my climate breakdown goes as follows:

70-75˚- Approx 2 hours
60-70˚- Approx 4 hours
35-45˚- Approx 3.5 hours
-10˚-0˚- Approx 0.5 hours

Essentially, for 4 hours out of my day, I’m dealing with a Winter chill. After becoming accustomed to these temperatures, try being thrown into the outside world with the blazing sun and an un-air conditioned apartment and try to become a functioning member of society. It’s almost impossible. You will melt to the couch and forget who you are.

– For weeks, my window fan has been making weak fart sounds non-stop. I tried giving it some Pepto Bismol, but it spat it back at me, covering my new vintage second-hand shirt in pink goo. Ungrateful prick. He’s lucky I’m too much of a cheapskate to replace him…

…Nevermind, I just wasted 20 minutes browsing Amazon for a new window fan. The fan was watching the whole time, while farting in my face. He’s calling my bluff. I’m too cheap to pay for shipping. But what he doesn’t know is that I can easily go to the store without him looking! Hah! Take that, fartknocker!

Wait, shit, he read that. Oh well. I guess I’ll keep him.

– I just don’t understand what’s going on in the world today. It’s probably because I don’t read the news.

– The other day, I had a co-worker snap at me over something really trivial. He then proceeded to stare off into space and drool for a good 20-25 minutes, shake it off, look around, grunt and resume the thousand mile stare. I can’t wait for Ramadan to be over.

-Top 5 things that I refuse to do, but my computer pesters me daily about it anyway:

5) Update Microsoft Silverlight
4) Drop Tim Lencecum
3) Update the OS software
2) Meet hot christian singles
1) Update iTunes

– I’m of the opinion that if an automobile has the right-of-way, he/she should have every right to run over any pedestrians that cross them. People have been feeling way too invincible lately and they need to be kept in check. What, so you got enough money to pay off a jay-walking ticket? Fuck you, try to pay off your limbs getting removed! Ho! Burn! Seriously though, it would make the world a better place.

This week’s Letter To Coze comes from Timeshare Brokers:

Dear Rookieman,

Somebody wants to buy your Timeshare!!

Holy shit, I own a timeshare?!? Excellent! I’m gonna hit that up right now, sahn! I’m gonna sit around in my timeshare, eat some crackers, make some phone calls, it’s gonna off the chain! Tell the fuckface that wants to buy my timeshare to stand in line. I want to buy MY timeshare!!

Wait, where IS this timeshare, anyway?

– Top 5 Things That Went Wrong On My Last Date:

5) The conversation started with me questioning the existence of her condition. This happens to me a lot. Last year, I went on a date that started with her revealing that she was Quaker and my immediate response was, “You guys still exist?”. This time around, the first thing I learned about her was a very strange and rare allergy, and of course, my response was befuddlement and disbelief.

4) I was seated facing the Women’s room. As I have mentioned a million times before, my eyes are restless, meaning they will always veer toward the spot in my peripheral that contains the most movement. So whenever someone walks by, I will look at the person 95% of the time. This condition made me look like I was checking out every single girl that walked in and out of the restroom, which happened once every minute. Not a good look at all.

3) She didn’t pick up my sarcasm and I kept laying it thicker and thicker, further sabotaging the situation.

2) The whole charade ended with her feigning a birthday to attend. Being the third time I had received the birthday excuse, I was very tempted to spit-take, laugh in her face and maybe do a couple of crotch-chops or something. But no, instead I decided to take the back path and play ignorant, pretending that the date actually went well, which after a lot of thinking probably would offend her more than me throwing salt in her eyes. And as a cherry on top, I gave her a giant, unrequited bearhug, just to ensure that what she just had was The Worst Date Ever™.

1) The date was in Midtown, so afterwards, I’m bleary eyed and swinging my fists around trying to hit everyone in sight because Midtown is the MOST OBNOXIOUS PLACE ON EARTH!!!

– I’m getting a little sick of Spotify. Sure, it’s a great service that’s rivaled by none, but theres some quirks to it that I can’t stand. Like when you’re trying to find a song that you don’t know the artist of, you’re going to file through 4 or 5 cover versions before you get to the real thing and by then, you don’t want to hear the song anymore. Just now, I wanted to listen to Return Of The Mack by Mark Morrison, and I had to skip through 6 different remixes before I got to the one I knew and loved. And then I listened to the remixes. Spotify rules.

Try this trick over the weekend: Cook a pot of spaghetti, carry it around wherever you go, periodically eating from it, gauge and report the results.

Have a saucy weekend, everyone!