I WISH I HAD ALL THE DICKS [WEDNESDAY WHININGS W. H2K]

Hey! It’s Wednesday! Orange you glad it’s not Thursday? What do you have against Thursdays? Jerk.

The last two weeks have been really uplifting. There’s been a war in my second hometown, I got my period, Bowlmor on university shut down, something iconic is no longer being made, and Kodak called… they want their nostalgia back.

So clearly there’s been some turmoil, and I think its time for me to publicly (a.k.a to my 5 readers), make a statement about how I feel in regards to Israel. Here goes:

1. I think facebook should shut down until this is over.

I was going to write like six more things, but then I realized that my opinions don’t matter, and this situation is so fucked that no Whinings are really going to shed light on anything. With that said… there’s a lot of hate going on and I side with love, whenever that guy shows up to the party, I’ll take him upstairs.

Moving on — I’m over big dicks.

I’m over them, they’re not to be desired (by me) anymore. They steal all the thunder. Once that big dick pop’s up its like, “ooh look at me!” and I’m all like, “excuse me, I’m the hot naked girl in this bed, stop trying to be better than me!” It’s frustrating and I don’t like it. Big dicks need way more attention than small dicks, they need two hands and a lot of movement. And then I’m like trying to figure out, “Hey is this guy going to faint on me? Because his dick is taking a lot of blood supply right now. Am I going to be trapped under this giant dick man until his thing goes flaccid and the blood rushes back to his head? I can’t even put my lips around your dick, this makes me feel inadequate.” I’m over it.

Hila’s Reasons for LOVING Small Penises:

1. They will never outshine you. (see above)
2. The clenching you do in order to feel a small dick better actually induces orgasms.
3. Fit’s in the mouth like a fuckin popsicle. The smaller, the better because you can really work the mouth & tongue
4. Men are insecure about it (which they shouldn’t be), but that means more cunnilingus. Woo hoo!
5. They. Are. Cute. (I’m sorry! Ok I fucking love cute things so, fuck all you cute haters)

Today’s Title Picture needs an explanation; that picture is what happens when you drink to get drunk and then get “sad drunk” and drink some more. I made it home with a bleeding foot and then thought I was going to die. The only thing that I could move in my entire body was my thumb. Hence the text I found the next morning “my thumbs are the last of me” — I was texting my friend Adam trying to figure out if I was dying. He was kind of concerned but not enough “If you’re texting me right now… and without any spelling mistakes, I think you’re going to be fine” I wasn’t convinced. I made a swift move and rolled onto the floor. Then thought, this is a good moment to document the end of my life. I snapped the picture, sent. Then I finally threw up air and went to sleep. Drinking is a terrible drug. #whitegirlwasted

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT TODAY:

1. When elephants masturbate do they use the inside of their noses?

2. How can I stick tape to the inside of someone’s mouth?

3. Where do Twinkies go after you’ve pooped them out?

4. How long… is too long?

5. Is cabbage a basic food group?

6. Do you ever die if you’re never alive to experience it? (mind blown)

I’m starting a new segment on this blog, which I will later turn into a web series, which I will later turn into a full fledged TV show, which will become an HBO documentary, and then I will win, it’s called “TINDER BURN.” The premise? I pick one tinder picture a week, or a group of pictures, and try to understand the psyche of the man who posted it.

Here goes:

Tinder Burn #1 – Jorge

I’m kind of into Jorge because he knows how to lounge by the pool with a mami in the back and a friend on his side. It shows he’s laid back and wants to hang out. I like his Heineken light, he’s taking care of his figure. Also sunglasses, don’t show people the real you. Mystery is nice. I can imagine us going on a date, to a cool action movie starring Nicolas Cage. You’re going to go straight for the boob. It’s going to be magical.

That’s it for now. Until the tide gives you head.

H2K