I WISH I HAD TWELVE NIPPLES [WEDNESDAY WHININGS WITH H2K]

photo (11)

It’s a good late afternoon for anyone who doesn’t like pre-noon hours. Today is July 9th and I know I missed last week, but I equally know that no one cares. So… F-It. As I type this, there is a film crew in my apartment and a girl screaming “You’ve got to be kidding me?!” in my bed. Sounds like a normal Wednesday.

Today on the docket: Why do caterpillars love me? Who has the last say in a argument between mute people? What is a curling iron, anyway? When is it okay to fart in someone’s eye socket? Is there a God? Does he have a nickname? A giant dick?

Speaking of giants, there are some very tall and intimidating people in this universe, especially for a 5ft girl who doesn’t like wearing heels. I like to believe that I am equal with most people, but lets be real – I am not equipped to take down Shaq, it’s the sad truth, and Aaron Carter should stop being in denial.

I lost my sexting partner to love. Love is good though right? Better than sexting? I don’t know.

THINGS THAT ARE HOT:

1. My apartment, seriously these are the hottest Whinings of the history of the Whinings. I’m so hot that I can’t tell apart the discharge from my vagina sweat – and that’s a serious problem for me.

2. Spicy Latinas, bitches be staying sexy.

3. Yoga, Hot Yoga, It’s a sauna where you can stick your face into another persons butt.

4. Coconut water, very hot right now in the athletic scene.

5. The athletic scene, full of hot people drinking coconut water

It’s been taking me longer to get in the mood to masturbate. I blame Instagram. I’ll be all like, lets get under the covers… self, and have some fun, but wait… first lets check what Pete took a picture of today and then the scrolling begins and before I know it my fingers are fatigued and no one is feeling sexy… except maybe Pete. I guess the begging question is why am I on my phone after I’ve decided to masturbate… and to that I have another question… why are you on the phone after having decided to sit down to a meal with me, MOM?! This is getting too [personal].

It was my mom’s birthday two days ago. I actually have nothing to say about it.

I really wish it was mildly socially acceptable to walk and dance at the same time. I know there is a guy who does it, but who wants to be that guy? I don’t. I want to be normal… but I also want to dance. The solution – normalize street dancing. LETS DO IT.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT TODAY:

– Buffalo wings without buffalo sauce on them, the second biggest disappointment or what? [ED Note: Those are simply “Chicken Wings™”]
– “Cobb” salads
– Losing your memory to a 6 year old during a game of chess
– Toe sweat

I have a love of hairy men. It’s probably due to the fact that I am turned on by the things that disgust me. However it is true. I see that back shoulder hair and my panties need a-changing. Maybe it has to do with the Little Red Riding Hood aggressive sex fantasy I’ve been playing around with, maybe it has to do with the fact that NO ONE gave me a teddy bear as a child. I don’t know. All I know is that men need to stop waxing their chests.

LETTER OF THE DAY = D

– Dick (easy)
– Dingle
– Doggy
– Droop
– Delinquent
– Deli
– Dancer
– Damsel
– Danish
– Danger
– Dump

That’s all folks. It’s TOO HOT TO HANDLE THE WORLD

Love from above the left testicle of the world

H2K

Advertisements