I’d Rather Play Pai Gow With A Guy Wearing A Pirates Hat [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good morning, America. You looked so cute when you were sleeping. What’s that? Oh, that’s sweet, but no, I’m not sucking off your Florida, I don’t care how hard it is. It’s Friday, July 4, Two Thousand and Fourteen. In Brooklyn, the weather is 76˚ & cloudy and somewhere, somebody is observing a parade and has no idea that 30 seconds from now, an errant throw will send a Tootsie Roll® right into his eye at 78 MPH, landing him in the hospital while his bastard children light up the $5k worth of fireworks that he used their college fund to purchase. That’s why I don’t have kids, but I do happen to have a few things on my mind.

– I love how they invented this Faux-Hurricane as a scare tactic. Okay, I guess Hurricane Arthur was real, but it was all part of the hype machine, especially in New York. Everybody thought that Independence Day would be cancelled or something. This could be start of a new program spearheaded by Mayor De Blasio to keep us on our feet and see if we can preemptively ruin our holidays. Santa Claus will have to take a detour as Snowpocalypse II™ is coming on December 25th. There’ll be a mass murderer on the loose New Years Eve. And next Valentines Day, there’ll be a “sighting” of the Cloverfield Monster. Memorial Day, he comes back to fight Godzilla. Bloomberg would be impressed, if he doesn’t get eaten by the St Patrick’s Day Blob.

– Is it shallow to say that a lot of people creep me out/annoy me based on how their eyebrows look?

– I was very sleep-deprived this week. Mainly from working stupid hours that I’m not accustomed to. In the last few years, every time I’ve spent an exorbitant amount of time awake, I sleepwalk. It’s a phenomenon that I was afraid of as a kid and still frightens me to this day. I don’t ever want to be in a situation where I’m not in control of my body. The first time it happened, I allegedly went into every room in my parent’s house just to turn the lights on and for some reason, there was a soaking wet DVD in the middle of the floor. There was no liquids in the room and nothing else even had a drop of anything on it. Then there was one fateful morning when I woke up to my roommate saying, “Troy. Troy. TROY! Are you pissing in the trash can?!?”. Then the other night, I found myself sprawled on the couch in my underwear, clutching a pair of pants for dear life. I looked like a sweaty rape victim. My roommates are not that amused, considering that they put on headphones every time they cross paths with me. If I don’t start locking my door at night, I might find myself naked on the A train, playing Pai Gow with a Burmese guy wearing a Pirates hat. Or even worse, pissing in the new trash can.

– It’s been 6 years since the last time I had the 4th of July off. It’s been 5 years and 364 days since the last time I called in sick to work. If only I were 10 years younger.

– This week’s letter to BFD comes from Isla Hussain:

Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it.

Look advanced to more added agreeable from you!
By the way, how can we communicate?

You welcome, Isla. I’d find success easy and fleeting. My mission to educate, everyone to be success. If you save lot of time, you will find easy more often than time. There is a trick to use Google to your advantageous. Look ahead to grand. Please email jasonstatham@excitemail.com. To hear you I can’t wait hardly!

– I was complaining about not getting laid the other day, because it was a Wednesday and that’s what I do on Wednesdays. My friend felt the same way, pointed out a person in the bar to have sex with, left me and then probably had sex with that person. I’m still befuddled about how the universe works. What’s the difference between slacks and chinos? Can I wear boat shoes even though I’m hardly ever on a boat? Was that fireworks or gunshots? Sex?

– I did my first ever attempt at standup comedy this week. This may had been mentioned before, but doing standup has always been a dream hobby of mine. It’s not that I want to be a comedian by trade, but I would love to have it as a back-pocket hobby to impress people with. Since I’m not musically inclined and I still haven’t learned how to sew, standup seemed to be the best route. I can’t decide who was worse: me or the crowd. I definitely didn’t have good material, but the crowd was also vicious. You had outspoken BnT skanks, macho brolos, tourists from Indiana and some really annoying guy that whispered insults to every line that everyone said. And of course I got unexpected applause that I didn’t pause for, so it muted my second best joke. I tried to tell it again, but there was no going back. The lights were fucking blinding, and all of my P’s Popped, a sure sign that I’ve never been able to use a microphone properly. I can’t say that I bombed as badly as the horny Chinese lady or the short Italian dude that thinks it’s funny that he’s short and Italian, but I bombed. I’m still not yet defeated. Next week, I’ll go in there and actually have funny stuff to say. Or I’ll just talk about masturbating for 5 minutes to get some shock laughs and go back to the drawing board. Or maybe they won’t even let me back.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Salute a flag.

Have an American weekend, everybody!