I’d Rather Watch A Gutter Punk Make Cheesecake [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Rise and shine. And while you shine, stay away from me. Luminescent people give me the heebie-jeebies. It’s Friday, June 27, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 80˚ & partly sunny and somewhere, somebody is finding out that Miracle Whip® isn’t actually butter. Kraft lied to us all. Revenge must be sought. I also have some things on my mind…

– If you were to look in my fridge/freezer, you would probably mistake me for a goddamned hippie. Local milk, local eggs, artisan ice cream, local chipotle salsa, some moldy shit. I can assure you that they were all free samples. It’s not that I really care about the locality of my food, I only care about how free it is and how local it is in proximity to my mouth and/or stomach. How many times do I have to explain this to you?

– You know you’ve been in New York too long when you assume that anyone smiling is a tourist. Bonus points if the person is wearing a dress/cargo shorts with clean tennis shoes.

– There’s a couple of middle-aged gutter punks that live in my neighborhood. First of all, I have to commend them for living so long, because if you look in their eyes, you can see the years of living on the edge, abusing every drug in sight and expecting to die the next day. Listening to them, however, is another story. One common misconception you may have is that any gutter punk over the age of 21 is homeless. On the contrary, these two actually have a home, and it’s probably nicer than mine. Another misconception is that all gutter punks are frightening as hell and have really bizarre conversation. Also not true with these two. The first time I encountered them, they were calmly discussing in raspy New Jersian accents the various deals you can get if you shop around from bodega to bodega. When I saw them yesterday, they were discussing their own patented cheesecake recipes. This actually happened. Two middle-aged gutter punks, dressed in torn clothes, chains, trackmarks and white hair, calmly and soberly discussing cheesecake recipes. This is a strange time that we live in. What’s next? Crips running for office?

– I’m getting a little weirded out about all the people calling VCRs, “VHS Players”. Stop fooling yourself, we’re not THAT young.

– I was sitting in my fire escape last night, when somehow my tie clip fell off and tumbled all the way to the bottom. When I went down this morning to retrieve it, I also found my lighter, a rubber piece to my earbuds, 50 cents that’s mine now and my virginity.

– I’m not sure if I should be pleased or disgusted by the fact that I spend most mornings with 3 beverage receptacles in front of me. Growing boys need fluids just like everybody else!

– I should really clean my room, but I’m waiting for cold weather.

– This week’s Letter To Coze comes from Equifax:

Your score has just changed®

I’m sorry, what? My score? I have plenty of scores, which one are you referring to? Did my ACT score change? I guess it would make sense for a stat correction to occur 10 years later. Are you referring to my fantasy baseball team? If you are, then you’re probably wrong, as I’ve been steadily losing 4-10 all week. Or is it something more vague, as in “what’s the score”? Meaning, my general purpose in life has changed? How would you know that before I did? There’s something very sinister about all of this. Are you referring to the diegetic soundtrack of my life? Because that score is constantly changing. I’m a dude that clearly loves variety. Why do you feel the need to point something like this out, without any further explanation? Did my plans to rob a bank change? Once again, I feel like I would know that before you did. Lastly, how in the hell are all rights reserved to you on the phrase “Your score has just changed”. Are you saying that nobody can write that sentence now, without giving you credit? What’re you gonna do, sue me? Watch this:

Your score has just changed
Your score has just changed
Your score has just changed
Your score has just changed
Your score has just changed
Your score has just changed
Your score has just changed

Oh snap! It looks like YOUR SCORE has just changed, fucko®! Learn how to use punctuation!

Sincerely Yours,

– If you’re a white person at a stand-up open mic, it’s probably not a good idea to use the N word. You’re better off whipping out your dick and peeing on the person sitting front row-center. Which would’ve been H2K. And she would’ve liked it.

– I smiled at a girl on the street corner the other day. She rolled her eyes. I fucking hate this city. I hear wedding bells!

– I love that feeling of invincibility that comes with watching a pitcher throw a no-hitter. That happened to Tim Lincecum on wednesday, and after it ended, nothing could hurt or stop me. I could walk out the door and find a guy sticking me up with a knife. I would just say, “Come on, man! Tim Lincecum just pitched a no-hitter”. He would surely drop his weapon and give me bro-grabs. I walked into a bar and people knew without me saying anything that I was reeking of unadulterated confidence. I was glowing. Just watch, next week Marcus Stroman will pitch a perfect game, somebody will give me an undisclosed bag of cash and I’ll save somebody’s life. Here’s looking at you, Stroman!

– Of all the things you can do in life, there is nothing more frustrating soul crushing than stocking yogurt cups. Just try it. You’ll want to punch something. Next time you see somebody stocking yogurt, give him/her a high-five. Because the person sorely needs it.

– You know you’ve been in New York too long when you’re far away from Brighton Beach but still be able to give an old lady step-by-step directions on how to get there.

– Try this 5-step trick over the weekend:

1) Start a band
2) Schedule a rehearsal
3) Don’t show up to the rehearsal
4) Burn the band member’s houses down
5) Eat hummus

Have an arsony weekend, everyone!