I WISH I WASN’T SO SCARED OF FAILURE [WEDNESDAY WHININGS WITH H2K]

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Good morning, except that by the time I finish this it’ll be late afternoon at the latest. So good whatever it is you’re experiencing right now. I hope it’s a good one. I have to brush my teeth, so I will… but I’m not happy about it.

I went to Fire Island on sunday for the first time and let me tell you… it was incredible. The #gays are the best. Lounging by the pool, I realized I was the only female in a group of very muscular men who don’t want to sleep with me (which is how I like it). I learned that in a straight BBQ the men usually hang out by the grill while the women sit by the pool and tan, however, in a gay BBQ one man is left alone at the grill and everyone else is a woman. These are just some of the things I’ve learned. My favorite thing about Fire Island was the constant sexual vibe. You might not think everyone is attractive, or your type, but you’re gonna flirt with everyone. Where everyone is a gay man, everyone is a possibility for love. I’m into it. Of course, this could just be my perverted perspective because I secretly wanted everyone to strip down and reenact that hot sex scene in Wet Hot American Summer. If I wasn’t so scared of the construction men that cat call me, I’d be into a little jackhammer every once and again — those hard hats aren’t soft.

HERES A LIST OF THINGS THAT I’M AFRAID OF (besides failure):

1. My little pony
2. Hair extensions
3. Really fat animals
4. Bluetooth
5. Cavities
6. Dry Vagina Syndrome (DVS)
7. Losing my child in a mall
8. Malls
9. Finger banging a jar of pickles
10. Patterned socks

I’m performing stand up tonight, it was an impulsive decision and I know I’m going to regret it. All I can think about now is how am I going to get through 5 minutes without tearing my ovaries out through my mouth.

I’m going to write my bit here. FUCK IT.

Hey everyone! Wow, look at you guys! Everyone is so beautiful and not intimidating at all. So… I want to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind a little bit. It’s erectile dysfunction. Yup so, not my favorite thing in the world, also not the worst thing – I mean it can be fun to like smush a soft penis in your hand, sort of like silly putty… its silly penis. However trying to jam it in a very willing vagina is a whole different story. A few years ago I had a string of men passing through me all jumping ship when the time came to.. stand tall. And you know, I heard all the excuses… ahh its the whisky…..ahh its a condom… ahhh I’m happily married stop harassing me… whatever. The point is that they all couldn’t get it up and it was a really frustrating week for me. See what I was doing was I would go to the bar, pick out a guy, roofie his drink, drag him home, and then nothing. No erection, the no foreplay, the guy barely even fucking talked to me. And there I am, another night, humping a flaccid penis like I was crushing grapes for wine. It was a few months of that before I found out that roofies were actually not meant for hot sex with a stranger, they’re actually used to date rape people. Which isn’t really that hot… so I had to change my game up. Now I’m just screwing 17 year old boys, and porn stars… I mean, if your rent money depends on getting it up, give me a call.

Well.. it won’t be verbatim, but I think thats along the lines of what I’m doing. I wont be able to fill up 5 minutes, but I’ll take pauses. Wait for some uncomfortable laughs. Actually, I might talk about my half thong mankini… Oh god, the possibilities.

What your dirty uncle is saying when he’s having consensual sex with someone he cares about slightly:

“Oh fuck yeah you dirty little girl, oh yeah, suck my dick… suck it good. Yeah you like it right, you like that dick in your mouth, oh yeah, oh yeah. You like it? You like it? Hey why aren’t you answering me, oh yeah its because you have my DICK in your MOUTH, oh yeah, you want me to stop talking, well I won’t because I am a man. I am a man and I am going to fuck you. Fuck you in the pussy and you’re going to like it. You like it right? Tell me you like it. Please just… PLEASE I need reassurance.”

Yeah… Sorry about that.

This week is a roller-coaster – I’ve been on dates, got hit with a car door while riding my bike, had accidental sex with a fruit, bought a mankini, had the dungeon sex store owner see my ass while he was flipping through pictures on my phone, took pictures of my ass, sent pictures of my ass to one lucky fellow, told him to delete them immediately, asked my mom for money, asked her for undying love and support, bought coconut water, and flirted with disaster (if that wasn’t already apparent).

LETTER OF THE DAY: J

– Joint
– Jugular
– Janky
– Jesus
– Jamaica (boieeee)
– Jupiter
– Jarring
– Jar
– Jam
– Jail
– Jennifer

I think I’m going to leave you here. I’m a nervous wreck. My stomach feels like there’s a natural disaster happening in there, I don’t know if I should shit or throw up or cry. All three. Right now.

Until my bladder fills up again

H2K

 

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