I’d Rather Not Have Fun [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

June 20, 2014 by TeeCoZee

Thank God morning is finally here. Let’s hope that never happens again. It’s Friday, June 20th, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 77˚ & sunny and somewhere, somebody is trying a little too hard to remember the finale of The Cosby Show. Every time he thinks he has it, it ends up being the Fresh Prince ending. He wonders to himself, “Is it architecturally racist to think that their respective living rooms looked the same?” My answer is no, it’s probably not racist, but it does make you an asshole. I also have a few things on my mind.

– Pitchfork told me to listen to an album, so of course I had to. If I was to define the genre, it would be “Feminist Speed PunkNoise Whatever Grunge Men Suck”. My initial reaction was that it was “okay” and now I feel like it’s nothing but a woman screaming at me ad nauseum. I feel like I live in a broken home or I did something terribly wrong. It’d be really good music if I was in a fugue state or wasn’t prone to migraines. Now a car alarm is going off. I really think it’s part of the song, but it’s not. It should be. Maybe I’m just getting too old for Pitchfork. Or maybe Pitchfork is getting too young.

– In speaking of getting old, this summer is turning me into a curmudgeon. Whenever I see young people having fun, I no longer want to be part of what they’re doing. Instead, I shake my head and laugh at them. I read a list of the “12 Things You Absolutely Must Fucking Do In NYC This Summer Or Else You’re A Dipshit That Doesn’t Deserve To Live Here” and none of them sound that appealing to me. Rooftop bar? Yeah, if I had 200 bucks to blow. Visit the new ice cream shops? Ice cream is for doofuses and artisan ice cream is for elitist doofuses. The Best Day Of Your Life™? I don’t even know what the fuck that is, some chicks with hula hoops or something developed by some hipster millionaires to encourage optimism and arrogance? Outdoor movies? Sure, if there wasn’t 500 FUCKING THOUSAND PEOPLE THERE. Electric Zoo? People still listen to electronic music?!? Ecstasy is still a drug?!? Glowsticks?!? More hula hoops?!? You know you’re closer to 30 when the summertime makes you resent most of the population.

– Top 5 paragraph starters that I’m not going to use today:

5) So I was riding the C train and…
4) I was at the beach the other day, because…
3) I really like…
2) You know you’re hopelessly single when…
1) It really bothers me when…

– I went to Foodtown the other day, because I hate myself. I was really craving some sort of seafood dip, as it was too hot to cook and I was too impatient to wait for fast food. I opted for the “Maine Lobster Spread”, which was actually kind of delicious-ish. Now, with a $6 “Lobster” spread bought at a shitty grocery store, I’m expecting it to be 1% lobster and 99% surimi. For some reason, that didn’t bother me. But what got me really hot in the biscuit was the fact that it was manufactured in Florida. That just makes the whole operation seem sketchy. Why did they feel the need to call them Maine lobsters? I know those fuckers aren’t coming from Maine. There are plenty of lobsters in Florida, just use those! This is why lobster is so expensive, Florida is taking all the good ones.

– New York State law dictates that dogs cannot be allowed into any store that contains [human] food products. There is an exception for service dogs. There’s also an exception that states that if the customer claims it’s a service dog, the proprietor has no right to request proof. This means that every day, a customer comes into my store working the loophole. Yesterday, a young mother comes in with a Chihuahua. Somebody else’s kid went up to the dog, tried to pet it and was immediately barked and growled away. So naturally, I had to step in and say that the dog has to go outside. Without skipping a beat, she said it was a service dog. The fucking Chihuahua is a service dog. What kind of service is it providing? Being an asshole? So I gave her an un-convinced “uh-huh” and she immediately turned the tables and started chiding me for being so rude to her. This is the messed up mind power that today’s elite has on the middle class. In any situation that they may be doing something wrong, they can regain face without even trying. I am really starting to hate the new residents of SoHo. Thank you very much, Mr Bloomberg and Operation Condo®. You’ve officially ruined the city for everyone. Pat yourself on the back, if you have the time.

– This week’s Letter To Coze comes from Morgan:

Hi, handsome man! How is your life?
You have no idea how unbearable it is to sit here all alone! I dream of having sex with a stranger like you! I want to meet you online before seeing you in real life! I am dreaming to show yu my funny photos to wind you up! You can find me any time at the hot dating site. Enter my private chat, honey!
I am waiting for you!

You can find my profile here:

With kisses,
Jasmine

I actually have 2 letters. This next one comes from Hailey:

You can find my profile here:

With kisses,
Zoe

Women: They always know exactly what to say.

– Car alarms are a very commonplace noise in life. Any time I hear one, I never think that someone is actually getting their car stolen. With that said, what is the point of car alarms? It’s not going to thwart theft, because no bystander will think twice about it. As I wrote the last few sentences, 3 different alarms have gone off. I really hate my block sometimes.

– I saw a hobo at the arcade the other day. It made a lot of sense.

– After Clayton Kershaw finished his epic no-hitter, that really annoying song by Fun started blasting throughout the stadium. You know, the one about young people starting fires or something. It was the first moment where I actually didn’t hate the song. Probably because I was so excited about Kershaw that they could’ve played KC and The Sunshine band and I would’ve danced like an idiot. I realized that I can’t wait until 10 years from now, when that song is no longer marketable and they start using it in ironic ways. Does that make me a hipster? Probably.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Go to church.

Have a blessed weekend, everyone!