I WISH I HAD A TUB FULL OF COLE SLAW [WEDNESDAY WHININGS WITH H2K]

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Good morning, people of planet Earth. Yes, it’s morning now. [Or maybe it’s afternoon.] Take a moment to reflect on where you woke up this morning, is it where you wanted to be? Was there a stranger in bed with you, a friend, a family member? It’s Wednesday for godsakes, pull yourself together.

12 Ways to Cure a Headache

1. Over the counter meds (aka placebo effect)
2. Cold Compress (on your dick)
3. The love of an infant
4. Too much pot
5. The love of an infant who has smoked too much pot
6. Mouth orgasms
7. Keying your ex-lovers car
8. Winning a fight against your mother
9. Your Uncle Billy NOT touching you
10. Connecting with space time and flying through parallel universes
11. Any mouth to big toe contact
12. Get all your teeth knocked in

#12 is a deflective method, to move the pain elsewhere when the headache is really bad, or when you’re just tired of having teeth — we’ve all been there.

Last week, I started a 30 day Bikram Yoga challenge. The challenge is to go every day. The classes are an hour and a half and they don’t let you leave the room to pee. It’s intense. Yesterday I was moving too much between poses and got a sweaty slap in the face from the teacher. The woman next to me actually felt drops of my sweat fall into her mouth. She fucking loved it. In the locker room, the showers are separated by this semi-transparent glass that makes your neighbors shower look like the Wicked Games music video. Pretty hot.

I have some qualms about pubic hair. Bare with me on this, because I’ve been thinking that evolutionarily, men shouldn’t be attracted to a hairless vagina. If cavemen were into the bald monkey (i.e. girls before puberty), then we would never get pregnant and thus die out as a species. But since we’ve evolved to love the silky pineapple, I have to wonder what’s next. I’m already seeing a ton of chest stubble, on men and women. We’re a society amped up on hormones and razor blades. So what if you have hair growing on your shoulders. Thats cool, I think. Anyway, I have vagina stubble now. Are you happy? And if I shave it, its gonna turn into a bunch of ingrown hairs which are actually just pimples and if I pop them they turn into a scar, scars on my vagina (and not even the emotional kind). Why am I doing this? Because it feels good, goddamnit, and sometimes a big bush gets in the way of feeling things. MOTHER FUCKER I just want to be born a hairless goddess in a fiery sea of devotion. Is that too much to ask?

Don’t even get me started on butthole hairs.

There’s a bunch of keys out there in the world that open the door to my building. For one, all my neighbors have one, but also a lot of other people do too. The other day I caught a couple having sex in my elevator. Now, my elevator actually opens up into people’s apartments so technically this couple was caught fucking in my doorway. They were middle aged, silly, spontaneous, flustered. They had no clue how they got into the building, they had no clue what floor they came from. I think they found one of the building door keys and thought to themselves… this is the key to our blossoming sex life!

I rode that elevator down with them. Maybe I should have let it go, but the smell was just too good.

REASONS TO STAY HOME TODAY:

1. Outside doesn’t care about you
2. Inside doesn’t either, but you can take a shit inside
3. If you want a coconut ice pop, you’re going to have to pay for it
4. Dried dog pee on the sidewalk
5. You don’t have a significant other
6. So many books to not read
7. The internet loves you more than anyone else will
8. Fart cushions

What happens to my life when I’m old and I post a baby picture of myself on Facebook? Like in my 20’s its still fucking cute, but if I have my own babies and then all of the sudden I’m all like “Oh look at ME when I was a baby” — kind of a dick move, no? Like what, am I competing with my fucking baby? I am so much better than a baby, like I can’t let the baby have the only thing it’s got going for it. I mean in 10 years the baby is going to be an obnoxious tween that says things like “selfie” and wears training bras, and I will know in the bottom of my heart that I am better than it. I guess I just need the attention.

LETTER OF THE DAY: T

– Time
– Tinkle
– Tween
– Triangular
– Testicle
– Trampoline
– Timothy Wells
– Test Tube
– Tractor
– Tubular

Fuck, I gotta go to yoga.

Until next time, or if you’re a mother to be, until NEXT TIME IN YOUR VAGINA
H2K

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