I WISH I WAS A CELEBRITY DRAG QUEEN [WEDNESDAY WHININGS WITH H2K]

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Good one hour after noon PM, it is 1pm and I’m eating a yogurt pop, what have you done with your life lately? I missed last weeks Whinings and that will happen sometimes, because I’m a bad bitch who misses her weekly verbal jerk-it session on occasion.

Last week I graduated college, It was also on a Wednesday, It was at Yankee Stadium, I wished I was on acid. Like really wished, wished with all my might. Every speech and ceremonial moment was more depressing than the next. The national anthem was good. Because ‘merica. I feel like, if I was on acid I would really appreciate those hogwarts robes, and the torch… oh the torch. But I wasn’t, my sister fell asleep, and when it was over I was running down the Bronx in a giant purple lamp shade screaming for a cab. Thank you Julio for taking us back to Manhattan in your personal minivan. Hitchhiking in the Bronx with my family, got that one off the bucket list.

In other news, my computer is at 19% battery life – which means it’s going to die soon. Probably in the middle of the Whinings. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE. There is no way that children don’t have a warped view about death when we adults are talking about our phones and laptops dying every second of every day. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, why would a child understand the different nuance between “my phone died” and “grandpa died”? is it the smell? the tears? Because I’ve seen some bitches cry over a dead phone.

Things to think about today:

1. Small farts in a large room
2. Handicapped golf
3. Trucker hats with hearts and stars on them

UPDATE: I got very distracted and had to stop the Whinings. It is now 10:25PM – Still fucking Wednesday. It’s definitely still wednesday in Hawaii, and thats where my long lost son is, so this is for you Pedro!

It was the summer of 96’ when I discovered that I was pregnant with Pedro. A hot summer day, I felt a wetness in my lower region. Assuming it was sweat, I didn’t do much about it. 9 months later, I had a bastard child and a lover in Hawaii that was willing to raise him. The rest is history.

I want to cuddle with a very attractive man… does anyone know where I can find one? preferably he’ll be kind of older than me, believe in tantric healing, works well with his hands, owns a jock strap, and possibly harbors romantic feelings for his mother. If you are this guy and/or I saw you on the 6 train wearing a “Pinatas are people too!” t-shirt please give me a call. You can find my number in the bathroom of Lucky Strike (the name is Gene).

LETTER OF THE DAY: U

-Umbrella
-Urethra
-Urine
-Utmost
-Utopia
-Urine
-Urine

I need to pee.

Until next time or some other time where I am in a time.

H2K

 

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