I’d Rather Not Dress Like A Crip [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good morning, get the hell out of my apartment! What were you thinking?!?!? It’s Friday, May 23, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 61˚ & hazy [hazy?!?] and somewhere, somebody is debating over and over in his head if McDonald’s breakfast ends at 10:30 or 11. He knows that in the movie, Big Daddy, it closes at 10:30, but that was a fictional movie and an unfunny one at that. Little does he realize, he is actually wasting the time it would’ve took to drive to McDonalds, because ended or not, they would sure keep some hash browns around for the late-blooming folk. As stale potatoes digest, I have a few things on my mind…

– Yes, I know, it’s been a while. But you didn’t miss anything. We’re still friends, don’t worry about it. No, I still haven’t washed my car. Oh, Paulie? I saw him last week. Yeah, he’s good. Kids are great. Not Paulie’s kids, I’m just saying kids in general. No, fuck Paulie’s kids, little hellions. I feel like they learned to kick people before they learned how to walk. Aint that the truth. But yeah, not much else going on here. Oh yeah? Uh-huh. Right. Well, that’s weird. Yeah, my TV Guide says that too. Uh-huh. You’d think they’d have proofreaders. Whuuuuut. No shit. Das whats up. Cool. Yeah, sounds good man. Get at me. Later.

– Lately, some of my co-workers haven’t been able to look me in the eye and the rest of them are acting as if they’re about to stab me in the back. And I’m told this is a “good thing”. Everything’s coming up Cozy!

– I did an experiment last week where I listened to nothing but The Beach Boys for a few days. I think it turned me even more cynical. It’s hard to not find irony when you’re blasting “California Girls” and a toothless meth-head begs for change. Why in the hell do I even live here? Oh yeah, because everywhere else is the same/worse and we’re all doomed! That’s right! Hahahahahahahahaha!

– Top 5 Foods That I Enjoy Saying The Name Of More Than Eating The Food Itself

5) Chimichanga
4) Kimchi
3) Goulash
2) Gumbo
1) Bouillabaisse

– If I was in an indie film, I can’t decide if I would be the love-lorn chubby guy that falls for the Manic Pixie Dream Girl® or the slacker that drunkenly adopts a kid/kidnaps the pope, discovers that he’s in over his head but eventually has a heartfelt character change with the help of his gay roommate/neighbor/landlord. I would hope for the former, but with the way my life is going, the latter seems more likely.

– I was wearing a Dodgers hat the other day, because Go Dodgers, when a colleague came up to me and advised me not to wear it east of Marcus Garvey Blvd. Thinking that I know the answer, I asked him why. He looked me square in the eye and said “You’re dressed like a Crip”. I was befuddled. I thought there was a bunch of scorned Brooklyn Dodgers fans on that side of the hood. Shows how much I know about street politics.

– My body has been ridiculously sore lately. Not because I was working hard, I’m blaming thunderstorms. There’s been 3 in the last few weeks and each time, I find myself curled into the fetal position at the end of the bed, pressing my neck into the mattress with all my might. I haven’t been afraid of storms since I was 6 years old, so I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that I have successfully reversed time and I am getting younger! Now if only these gray hairs would go away…

– This week’s Letter To Coze comes from Andrea:

Hi, handsome man! How is your life?

You have no idea how unbearable it is to sit here all alone! I dream of having sex with a stranger like you! I want to meet you online before seeing you in real life! I am dreaming to show yu my funny photos to wind you up! You can find me any time at the hot dating site. Enter my private chat, honey!
I am waiting for you!

You can find my profile here: [link redacted]

With kisses,

First off, is your name Andrea or Scarlett? I kind of prefer Andrea, because it sounds less phony. I’m going to call you Andrea. My life is good, Andrea, thanks for asking. My backne is finally wearing off, my hemorrhoid has receded and I found a great place to buy $2 mops! What about you, Andrea? I know exactly how it feels to sit alone. I do it all the time! Isn’t that funny, Andrea? We both sit alone! I also agree that having dream-sex with strangers is much better than doing it with people you know. That’s common sense, silly goose! But I didn’t know there was an official Hot Dating Site™. Maybe I’ll go there sometime. And your Yu Darvish pun is still making me laugh! You sound really sexy! Like Shelly Duvall sexy! Please write me soon!


– A co-worker told me that he was 4 hours late for work because the A train was running on shuttle. This was obviously a lie, as something that significant would’ve been noticed by me, the person who takes the same train. It’s not like a train broke down so they ran a shuttle bus for 20 minutes. When a train goes on shuttle, it stays for the whole weekend. I don’t understand why people make up excuses that can easily be disproven. For a while, we weren’t able to hire a new worker without their house burning down a week later. Must be bad luck, right? Here’s some excuses that I haven’t heard before, but expect to hear soon:

* I’m going into labor
* My dog ate my home
* My home ate my dog
* I suddenly got really sad about James Gandolfini and missed the train 10 times
* El Niño
* I got here on time, but there was a big bee at the door and he wouldn’t leave
* Roll tide
* It’s kind of hard to explain. Have you ever seen the movie, Money Train?
* My roommate fell asleep in the bathtub
* I thought I was fired

– Yesterday, somebody told me that they can’t enjoy Naughty By Nature because it’s “Before My Time”. Kids are the worst.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Carry around a surfboard wherever you go. The crowd will love it.

Have a gnarly weekend, everyone!