I WISH I WASN’T ADDICTED TO BLOODY MARYS [WEDNESDAY WHININGS W/ H2K]

WW4

[In an attempt to make BFD into more of a Renaissance Blog, our resident Girl Writer™, H2K, decided to experiment with Throwback Writing. If you think about it, it’s a whole new genre of writing. The end result [which is obviously below] is not a far cry from what we read back in grade school. After all, if MySpace is trying to make a comeback, we should all start embracing our memories of Xanga and LiveJournal. She has done just that. Please enjoy and savor, knowing that things will be back to normal soon. Also, I added a masturbation joke, because that’s what she would’ve wanted.

Love,
Coze]

Good late hour after 12pm Eastern Standard Time. Today is May 7th 2014, a whole month and 5 days since my last Whinings. I don’t know how April passed me by — actually I do, it involved a lot of pleather jorts (indecisive fucks). You know, reading something that someone wrote isn’t a live stream event. Once this hits your eyeballs, I’ve already written it. I’ve already stopped and done a million other things between the paragraphs; taken countless shits, made alcoholic beverages, drowned my pain, Facetimed with my sister, etc. And since this is in fact the first paragraph, you know many more distractions are on the horizon.

Distractions that keep me from achieving my goals:

1. Sex – Having sex, thinking about sex, pretending to have sex, masturbating, watching other people have sex, sex with a pillow, sex with other… things. This is one of the worst/best distractions.

2. Salty & sweet snacks – I could go for hours in between these two little fuckers. Give me some feta and watermelon and watch me eat myself into oblivion. I take it back…feta and watermelon are way more intense than sex.

3. Pimples, or other bodily imperfections I can pop – Basically anything with pus in it and I’m there. Yeah I have a million things to do and popping that pimple in my armpit (que?) is probably not The Best Idea In The World. But this one is non-negotiable. Once you pop, the fun don’t stop.

[The phone’s ringing. Excuse me. Telemarketers.]

4. ANTS (Automatic Negative Thought Syndrome) – This one is for real and almost everyone does it. Look it up. Basically it’s when you start to do something and before you’ve accomplished your first blink, your brain is all like “yo, dude, you suck! you should probably stop while you’re ahead, you’re never gonna get this done” — fuck you brain, you don’t know me. But actually you do, and I hate that about you.

How many times can you write a whole paragraph about nothing and then delete it, thus turning it into nothing? {meta}. So fine, lets get into the real shit — I’m graduating in less than 3 weeks. I’ve already told you about my fear of losing NYU bathroom privilege, but there are bigger fears now. It’s almost like I didn’t decide to go to college and now all of the sudden I need to decide things about my life. And all of the sudden they matter. In the larger scheme of things, I wonder if making any life plans makes any life sense. I mean, pretty soon everyone is going to inject themselves with information robots that give you second to second updates on whatever the fuck everyone is thinking. Do I need to get a robot? I can barely get on Twitter.

[Facetiming with mom.]

Let’s get upbeat for a change! List of reasons we should all kill ourselves:

1. Climate change. I am not trying to be a popsicle when I grow up.

2. Not knowing if you’re looking at a picture of stars or phones at a concert.

3. Communicating with other human beings is never going the way you think it’s going.

4. Basically everyone is perceiving you based on whatever shit they have going on inside, so your best bet is to find someone who likes you in spite of that.

5. Parents are people, and they suck just like you. (in every sense of that word) (sorry, i’m not sorry)

[Masturbating.]

6. The phrase “Sorry, I’m not sorry”

7. Any Rhianna/Eminem song.

8. 2014…

I did not realize I was so depressed today.

Until next time.

Or not.

-H2K

Advertisements