Troy Tulowitzki Hits 2 Run Single, Scratches Nuts, Gives Up
Last Friday, I laid witness to a confusing event. One so strange, nobody seemed to notice. It was merely brushed off as a routine play. But what happened was far from routine. It was Un-Routine. Nobody should think it was routine. Those who do have really terrible opinions on what a routine is. Brushing your teeth at 6pm? Get the fuck outta here! Routine-less pricks. Regardless, this happened:
As expected, Troy Tulowitzki hits a 2-run single, because he doesn’t know how to do anything else. Like stay on base. And he stares down David Wright as he runs ACROSS THE FUCKING FIELD to casually tag him out. No reaction, no emotion, nothing. How can a professional get away with casually doing something like this?
The Mets broadcasters were at least a little curious about the incident. In the Root Sports booth, however, the Rockies broadcasters completely ignored the situation. Why? Because they were about to be visited by Bud Motherfucking Selig! So that makes it even less tactful. The commissioner of baseball comes to your pot-smoke-filled stadium and he has to witness a sheer lack of empathy and enthusiasm from their MVP. I searched the internet desperately to see if anyone else was paying attention, but to no such luck. Nobody cares about a lack of hustle if he keeps hitting balls into gaps. I’ve devised a short list of why this happened:
– Troy fucked Wrights wife, so he let him have it out of guilt
– He really had to pee
– He was trying to impress Bud Selig and choked
– He was trying to protest Bud Selig and succeeded
– Nuts. They itch sometime
– He had an out of body experience, which ended up being disappointing
– Some hot dame in the stands
– He felt like it
– Baseball is fixed
– The Matrix
Despite this blunder, Troy is probably still batting a 3.00 average and has something like 2000 RBIs in April alone. Unless Nitro Montero makes a comeback, he’s a shoo-in for NL MVP. So here’s our pre-emptive Better Than Legal MVP Card!