…Because Jedd Gyorko’s Too Busy Making Babies [The Snag List]
One of the downfalls of Spring is that some of your favorite players get distracted by the blooming flowers, pretty colors and sex with their wives. Bryce Harper was hounded for not hustling, so when he decided to hustle, he hustled himself onto the DL. Justin Masterson apparently lost all of his velocity, so he’s reinvented himself as a ground-ball pitcher. Only problem is, the Indians infield is worthless. You’re preparing a cake for Martin Prado in case his batting average ever goes above .100. Don’t fret. Just kick those worthless chumps to the curb, pick up these fresh bargains, sit back and watch your profit grow! [Then watch another team pick up that player and instantly go on a tear. But fuck it, you have…this guy!]
Carlos Ruiz C, Philadelphia Phillies, 31% owned
Back up the fun bus! Stop the presses! Support the troops! A Major League catcher is actually batting hot?!? I’m sure that his .296 avg isn’t going to hold up all season, but you might as well capture some lighting in a bottle while Devin Mesoraco spends his DL time trying out for the role of Pvt. Pyle in the Cincinnati Community Player’s production of Full Metal Jacket. Since last monday, his hit log has gone as follows: 3, 1, 0, 3, 1, 3. It looks like a code of some sort. It could be transcribed to mean 3 things:
1) He doesn’t believe in the number 2
3) THIS GUY IS FUCKING HOT RIGHT NOW!
Trevor Bauer SP, Cleveland Indians, 8% owned
OMGZ it’s a hot prospect that’s getting called up!! I wouldn’t actually get that excited about him. Last year, he carried a 4.15 ERA/1.58 WHIP in AAA. That’s…uhh…some meh numbers. On the plus side, his K/9 tends to lie around 9-12. So you’re going to pick him up anyway, because he’s fresh blood and we all thirst for fresh blood. And you also don’t listen to me.
Dayan Viciedo OF, Chicago White Sox, 24% owned
I’m pretty sure that everyone on the Sox lineup has an average above .300. Might as well get one before they’re gone/become the White Sox again. As Hawk Harrelson once told me, “If you get a foursome, get a good one.” He’s so right. Hawk Harrelson is always right.
James Loney 1B, Tampa Bay Rays, 18% owned
I don’t really understand why he’s valued so low. He finished up last season with a cool .299 with 75 ribeyes and 13 dongers and he’s on pace to do slightly better than that this year. I get that everybody likes their 1st basemen to be positionally versatile [because you’re a cheapskate], but for fucks sake, there’s a lot more overrated 1st basemen out there [Swisher, Hart, Trumbo, Butler]. You can bench him half the time for all he cares! This orphan will hit for you consistently and doesn’t ask for much in return. Just bread, water and a corner to sleep in. Will you PLEASE just take him home?!?
Collin McHugh SP, Houston Astros, 22% owned [soon to go way up]
Just 7 days ago, Collin McHugh thought he was going to die in the bowels of AAA. He was laughed out of spring training, his last 2 brief Major League tenures were even worse [career ERA of 8.fuckface] and he was coming to terms with the fact that he’ll probably just never “make it”. Then Scott Feldman went on the DL. He was signed, activated and became a folk hero in the same day. Last Tuesday, on the mound against Seattle, he pitched 6.2 scoreless innings with 12 punchouts. Then, on Sunday, he was 1 out shy of a complete shutout against the A’s. It doesn’t seem possible that somebody of his caliber could be putting up numbers like that, but he’s got the Mariners again on Sunday and I believe in Santa. This amazing
Irishsouthern bastard could be the CinderellaEvan Gattis of 2014.
Because that’s what we’re all looking for, right? Another Evan Gattis? Yeah, probably.