I’d Rather Take A Gender Studies Course [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good afternoon to the east coast. Good late morning to the midwest/great plains. West coast, wake the fuck up, go sit in traffic. It’s Friday, April 25, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 60˚ & sunny and somewhere, somebody is finding out that Nine Inch Nails is just Trent Reznor and a bunch of computers. Meanwhile, I’m going to express some thoughts while The Downward Spiral blasts into my earholes. Let’s get weird!

– I’ve noticed lately that the new fashion trend for men aged 35-50 is to wear a black plastic bag over the head. I’ve seen it several times in the past week. It’s either something that Nelly started doing or it’s monsoon season in the 23rd dimension, sector 16.

– Living the life that I do, I’ve grown out of touch with some certain American Trends. For example, I am totally out of touch with the world of vacuum cleaners. Is Dirt Devil still the gold standard or did Hoover make a comeback? Did they discover a way for bagless vacuums to have a longer life? Are shopvacs becoming more economically sized/priced? There’s so many things that I’ll never know because I don’t own a carpet!

– Pundits, terrible mothers and pundits for terrible mothers [that are terrible mothers] will argue that violent video games are therapeutic. Apparently, there’s a certain sense of release and gratification that comes out of pretending to be as violent as possible. I kind of agree, to an extent. In the past weeks of playing GTA V, I’ve received immense satisfaction. But it’s not from blowing up cars or running over innocent pedestrians. I have actually spent hours running around, suckerpunching everyone in sight. I’ve had SWAT teams chasing me by using nothing but my fist. It’s just something that seems so fun, but you would never do it in real life. It’s a huge social taboo. We’ve all seen a punch be thrown, but those were all deserved and pre-instigated. It’s a special thing to see someone sprint from 500 yards away, suckerpunch someone and continue running at full speed. If I was ever in some sort of sports-induced riot, maybe I would try doing it. Wait, I have no fist strength. I’ll use a brick.

-Top 5 bands that are a lot lamer than I thought they were as a kid:

5) Alice In Chains
4) Bush
3) Stabbing Westward
2) Filter
1) Alvin and the Chipmunks

– Does anyone else find it weird that Porno is the only entertainment medium that directly insults the viewer? Of course, this is probably a sub-genre of porno, but it still exists. If I wanted some empowered woman to verbally abuse me and make me contemplate suicide, I would take a Gender Studies course, thank you very much.

– I hang out in the East Village a lot because fuck you, that’s my business. It’s striking that it’s the only neighborhood that I prefer at night. Daytime Village is a nightdaymare. Nobody has a smile on their face, it’s always sunny as fuck and it’s just aesthetically hideous. None of these things are apparent at night. You notice how ugly the people are and they can all spot/hassle you with great ease. The other day, I encountered 2 different hustlers that tried getting my attention by calling me “Boston”. I didn’t want to be the prick to point out that my hat spells “D”, so I just kept on walking, as they shouted Boston from a block away. I once encountered what was surely an NYU brat that took a little too much acid. He complemented my tie and then claimed the tie was his. He followed me for over 10 blocks, screaming at me to give him his tie back. It wasn’t until I ducked into a dim bar that he lost my scent. Both occurrences happened in broad daylight. At night, the worst that happens is coked-out mutants bumming smokes off you and concisely recalling their life story. It’s a lot more tolerable than it sounds because it doesn’t last very long. They always smoke their cig in 2 minutes and are off on their merry way. Nighttime East Village > Manhattan.

– I just saw a commercial for a new diamond that has so many corners that it never stops glistening. That’s really annoying. As a person with ADD-riddled eyes, I can only look at where the most movement is. So if I’m having a conversation with someone wearing one of these diamonds, I will quickly become very familiar with the skin, wrinkles and curvature of that specific body part.

– Listening to the Downward Spiral isn’t as empowering as it was in Middle School or as depressing as it was in High School/College. It’s just some ’90s noise. Somewhat stomachable ’90s noise.

– – Try this trick over the weekend: Sit on a train across from an attractive person of the opposite sex, initiate interest and perform what is known as Eye Coitus™, which is when you mutually, nonphysically and nonverbally make love to the other person with no strings attached, names exchanged, void where prohibited and you’re totally digging the vibe of the person and things are moving at a great pace and oh shit, you both cum at the same time and you let out a sigh of relief and your eyes relax, looking down, you realize the person is wearing a fanny pack. Oof. This next stop is definitely your stop. Next time be a little more selective. [As I typed that, Trent screamed “I wanna fuck everyone in the world”. Art imitating art imitating art imitating life.]

Have a regrettable weekend!

-TeeCoZee