Bryce Harper Hustles Harder Than You

April 22, 2014 by TeeCoZee

I was once at a baseball game. A man went up to the plate, a great man. He hit an undesirable groundout and bolted to first base. Instead of accepting the tag, however, he started running backwards, in hopes that he could make it to home plate, 3rd base, 2nd base and first without getting tagged out. His crackpot scheme would’ve worked, if it hadn’t been for the sun in his eyes. The man’s name was Bryce Harper and he is a hustler.

Bryce is the kind of guy that brings hustle to the sport in a time where people are considering whether or not they should even run full-speed after hitting the ball. Just look at Carlos Gomez; he hit a powerful shot to the wall on Sunday, but he also took a moment to decide whether or not to exert all of his energy into running. This caused him to be heckled by Garrett Cole, so what did he do? He threw his helmet and both benches cleared to duke it out. Because Carlos Gomez is a real man, just like Bryce Harper, who is more of a man than Carlos Gomez [The Man]. Bryce would hit the ball harder, sprint immediately and use his bat as a javelin to stab the 1st baseman in the armpits. That’ll teach him to raise his arms. When the umps call it foul play, he’d then throw his helmet at them, which would surely take their heads off altogether. Then Bud Selig would run down to try to suspend him/punch him in the testicles, but his hairdo would swoop down and eat The Commish whole. Don’t doubt that these things aren’t possible. We should all be so grateful that Carlos Gomez doesn’t hustle as hard as Bryce “Hustle Harder” Harper.

Bryce Harper hustles so hard that he needs to find a new way form of hustling, just so he could be on some next level shit. He doesn’t fear the warning track, he fears no warning. He’ll hustle right to that wall and head-on into Dodger Stadium’s infamous “Throat Slitting Device 3000”. That’s right, Bryce Hustling Harping Harpo Hustle Harper risked a slitting just to make the play. The man can hustle harder than Paul Newman hustles pool. The chump is dead, of course Bryce is a better hustler! He can hustle harder than Larry Flynt. Duh! The poindexter’s paralyzed from the waist-down! Aint no hustling to be done in a wheelchair! Forget about it! He can hustle harder than Charlie Hustle. That’s because Charlie Hustle isn’t allowed to hustle anymore! He did too much hustling, the league found out and they hustled him into not hustling anymore. Let that be a cautionary tale for our boy Bryce, the hustler. Can’t let that happen. If anyone sees Bryce Harper, can you tell him to be more discreet about his hustling?

PSYCHE! SUCK IT, MATT WILLIAMS!