I’d Rather Subscribe To Mad Magazine [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good afternoon, because admit it, you’re not reading this in the morning. It’s Friday, April 18, Two Thousand And Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 41˚ and partly cloudy and somewhere, somebody completely forgot what he/she was about to do. So they do the only thing that can possibly bring their memory back: sit on the toilet. They don’t call it The Thinking Chair to poke fun at pooping, it actually DOES help you think. Trust me, I have some other things on my mind…

– I think the universe is getting back at me. For years, I’ve been bragging that I “never get sick”. Every cold I catch is a mild one, the flu is as fleeting to me as the concept of true love and I haven’t missed work since 2008. For the first few years, I was careful about disclosing such information. Like a pitcher throwing a no-no, who the fuck would want to jinx a good thing with incessant bragging? But after 6 years of counting money for a living, I never got seriously ill, which caused me to brag about being invincible. Then I left the window open the other night. Woozy head and a runny nose. Dry throat. I am a phlegm factory, in a state of perpetual grossness. I am finally sick. Wait, no. It’s just allergies! I swear! It’s allergies! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

– When I was younger and less informed, one of my favorite songs was Biz Markie’s “Just A Friend”. Years have gone by and my taste in the arts is much more refined. I realize now that his magnum opus is actually “Picking Boogers”. It’s called growing up. You guys should try it. It’s really cool!

– In speaking of growing up, I started cooking more frequently. And by cooking, I mean that I’ve discovered how to make eggs over easy. And by eggs over easy, I mean that I’m consuming 3 cans of corned beef hash per week. It’s a terrible, terrible addiction. Straight out of the can, it looks like dollar store cat food, but after some mild pan frying, good lord I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it. I actually chose it over prosciutto today. There’s obviously something wrong with me.

– Manhattanites are generally miserable. They all wear different shades of black, hang out with their friends/loved ones with straight and blank expressions on their faces. It’s not apparent that they’re angry, but there’s something undeterminably wrong with their lives. For one day every year, that goes away. The sun warms up the frozen island for the first time and everyone flocks outdoors. They all pretend that everything is okay and life is worth living. That special day was last Sunday. The scene at Hudson River Park was one of a flash mob. Everyone was wearing vibrant colors. Laughing, playing, rolling around in the grass, making out with their significant others. Love is real and love is theirs. Old men are allowed to wear see-through spandex, on this day and this day only. Parents were endeared by the existence of their children, as they struggled to hold wiffleball bats. Slow joggers ran by, gasping desperately for air as I laughed and then realized that it should be me doing that. I couldn’t count how many times I overheard someone saying “I feel like I’m in a different city”. People were dressed so colorfully that my plain blue-plaid attire paled in comparison. Everybody looked like an easter egg. As I furthered my journey, I saw a decrepit man rifling through garbage bags for beer cans. As I got closer, he looked up to the sky and yelled, “Thank you! For the first time in 23 fukkin years, you’re smiling on me! It’s a fukkin miracle!”. At that point, I was convinced that I was no longer in Manhattan. But after further analysis, I deduced that he was

a. Being sarcastic
b. An Atheist
c. Andrew Dice Clay.

With that, I felt warmer inside. Finally, a sliver of misery! I was home again!

– Bugs don’t bother me at all. Ants? Whatever. Spiders? No problemo. Flies? A mere nuisance. Earwigs? Fuck you. I forgot about Earwigs. Ewwwwwwwwwww!

***Commercial Break***

***End Commerical Break***

This week’s Fan Letter comes from Match.com:

Dear TeeCoZee,

Meeting your matches costs less than your daily coffee.

Enjoy these perks for less than $5 per week:
* Email other members
* See who’s visited your profile
* Attend Stir events by Match.com

Get started now!

First off, no. Just no. The coffee I buy costs less than $5 a week, because I’m an adult that doesn’t need someone to make coffee for me. Secondly, you’re charging $25 a month for something that I can for free on OkCupz. For 25 bucks, I could like, join a gym or something. And that’d probably be a better place to meet people than one of those Stir events that are chock-full of middle-aged Bridge and Tunnel weirdos that paid way to much for a babysitter. Face it, online dating is a joke. If I wanted to pay $25 for a monthly joke, I’d subscribe to Mad Magazine. That still exists, right?

– With that in mind, I did recently consider trying to date again. Then the commercial break ended and I continued watching baseball.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Hail a cab. When the cab driver asks where you want to go, mumble something in broken english and tell him “Broadway”.

May you eat way too much crab this weekend!