Mike Trout Didn’t Make My Top 5 Top 5 Lists Of The Week

There’s nothing better than a list to efficiently express your opinion on a matter. Wait, there is something better. More lists! So every week, I’m going to make up a bunch of arbitrary lists and then rank them in unfair order. LET’S DO THIS:

5) Top 5 Reasons Why I Like The Diamondbacks

5. Kirk Gibson, but as a player, not as a coach or human being.
4. The sore looks on all of the fan’s faces, as they all feign excitement and pleasure. Just like anybody who lives in Arizona.
3. The presence of a pool, with hopes that someday somebody will make a miraculous catch, fall into the pool and then be attacked by a massive horde of bikini babes.
2. Hearing 29 different ballparks heckle Mark Trumbo.
1. Their shitty, shitty announcers. Here’s a snippet of dialogue I over overheard last week:
Photo (9)
“There’s the Duke, up in the radio booth”
“Hey, my wife’s in there!”

They’re a bunch of clowns. It’s low-brow entertainment at its finest.

4) Top 5 Failed Attempts At Dodgers Merchandising

5. The Brian Wilson Back Hair Trimmer And Lint Vacuum
4. Hanley Ramirez’s Cajun Amish Porridge
3. Matt Kemp-Bilt Hacksaw
2. Juan Uribe Action Figure [Now With Leg Motion™!]
1. Spinners™ By Andre Ethier

3) Top 5 Things That Josh Hamilton Can’t Do For The Next 6-8 Weeks

5. Play video games
4. Thumb wrestle
3. Gouge a guy’s eye out with a thumb
2. Non-verbally express approval
1. Hitchhike

2) Top 5 New Franchise Names For Cleveland

5. Cleveland Engines
4. Cleveland Rocks
3. Cleveland Biscuits
2. Cleveland®, presented by Progressive Auto Insurance. Now that’s Progressive®!
1. Cleveland Indian-Americans

1) Top 5 Worst Players On My Fantasy Teams
5. Pawn Kelley
4. Aaron Over The Hill
3. Jonathan Lucwarm
2. Resident Advisor Dickface
1. Tim Lins, He Cums All Over Your Face, Tits And ERA