…Because You Accidentally Drafted Aroldis Chapman In The 5th Round [The Snag List]

Now that the fantasy season has a week in the books, it’s time to be honest with yourself. You made some mistakes in the draft. It happens to all of us. You drafted Clayton Kershaw in the 1st round, you thought Soriano could repeat last year’s magic and in a brief moment of internet disconnectivity, Yahoo autodrafted Matt Harvey for you. But all is not lost, that’s why you play the game. And as you frantically try to pick up the pieces, consider these forgotten players for temporary relief.

Jonathan Broxton RP, Cincinnati Reds, 26% Owned
Red’s closer Aroldis Chapman took a whiff to the face in Spring Training. He needs a new face. If he comes back this season, it will be because Nicholas Cage was kind enough to donate his face to him. Then he’s going to be Nicholas Cage, who does not look like a baseball player. Therefore, batters won’t fear him. He’s going to get blown the fuck up. After that, he’s going to go into Cage Mode™ and get banned from the game after killing Zach Greinke with a 111 MPH fastball to the throat. But until that day comes, the Red’s contingency plan is in Jonathan Broxton, a 29 year old righty that is still technically on the DL after right forearm surgery. He’ll be activated tomorrow and immediately thrown into the closer position. Sounds like a dicey move, but I don’t manage an MLB team, so they obviously know something I don’t. If you don’t feel comfortable with him, then go ahead and pick up Jose Valverde. Go on. I fucking dare you. That’s what I thought…

Dee Gordon 2B/SS, Los Angeles Dodgers, 51% Owned
Of course you forgot to draft for speed. You drunkenly thought that SB stood for “Shattered Bats”, so you were mad quick to pick up Nick Swisher and Miguel “Nitro” Montero. SB stands for stolen bases and none of your players want to do that. Luckily, your league probably has a little orphan named Dee Gordon waiting for you to adopt. I was going to say that Dee was the Mugsy Bouges of baseball, because the guy looks so young and small. In reality, he’s 25 and clocks in at 5’11”, which surprised the shit out of me. I guess the rest of the Dodgers are fat and tall. And slow. Because Dee Gordon is fast as shit.

And that was a jog. Forget about it. But remember it as well. After 7 games, he’s hitting a smooth .348 with 3 steals. And he’s going to keep on stealing…

Jenrry Mejia SP, New York Mets, 8% Owned
If anybody ever discusses Jenrry Mejia, it is usually done in inaudible whispers in an empty parking lot, out of fear of either being laughed at or jinxing him into melting down. Last year, he was stunning in 5 starts with a 2.30 ERA, but nobody noticed. He fought for the 5th starter slot in spring training, lost it and then gained it again, because that’s how underdogs roll. Last week, he held the Reds to 1 run with 8 punchouts. His WHIP may be entirely screwed, but that’s the price you pay for cheap Ks. This week, he has a cushy matchup against the Braves. They’ve struck out 9.1 times per 9 innings this season while Jenrry’s been pushing 9.5 per 9. After that, he’ll face either the hacking Angels or the hacking Diamondbacks. Go ahead and snag him while the rest of your league wonders what the fuck you’re doing.

Melky Cabrera OF, Toronto Blue Jays, 32% Owned
Melky’s existence in the MLB is inherently risky, due to his battered legs and affinity to take any drug that’s offered to him. He dodged the Biogenesis suspension last year, but spent a hell of a lot of time on the DL. But the benign tumor in his spine is gone and he seems to be recovering splendidly. He’s hit a donger in each of his last 3 games and will probably hit plenty more before his legs snap into pieces/he get’s scurvy/he gets pegged for drinking Bison Blood to improve his swing [although he will claim that it’s strictly for “religious purposes”]. Have some fun with him while you can…

Yangervis Solarte SS, New York Yankees, 9% Owned
After spending 8 seasons in the minors, Solarte has finally found his way to the big leagues. With Mark Teixeira on the DL with hamstring troubles, Solarte will be a day-to-day starter at 3rd base. He’s taking this opportunity by storm, batting .471 with 5 RBIs. If these numbers keep up, you better believe that the Yanks will find a way to make him a permanent installation, switching him from 3rd to short stop as they rotate Jeter and Teixeira in the DH spot. He’s the young blood that the franchise sorely needs and could be a great pickup for the first part of the season.

But then again, it’s still early in the season. Might as well hang on to your players. Colby Rasmus could still have a good year, right?