Are We Having Fun Yet, Clay Bucholz?

AWHFY1
Modern medicine can’t save you now.
There’s no way you can get any younger.
You can’t fix suck.
In fact, it’s all downhill from here.
You should enjoy it while you still can.
Aramis Ramirez is up to bat.
You can smell the fear on him.
Strike this fucker out.
You can’t.
RBI single.
Get a haircut.
The pothead look is so 2007.
Just like your career.

The tightness in your neck kicks in.
It will always be there.
Gnawing.
Reminding you that your time is up.
Oh look, it’s that geezer, Mark Reynolds.
Fuckin geezer.
Look at him, standing there.
You got this.
No you don’t.
Solo shot to left-center.
Gnawing.
Gnawing.
Don’t even try to look behind you.
Your head might fall off.
How did Carlos Gomez hit that homer so effortlessly?
Is it because your velocity is off?
Because you can’t sleep at night?
Just keep looking forward.
The shadows behind you don’t exist.
Don’t move your neck.

The heckles start.
You start heckling with them.
Your wife looks on.
But her head is in outer space.
Once promising, now doomed to be yours forever.
Making sandwiches.
Giving neck massages and shit.
Nobody remembers Deal or No Deal.
Only her.
And she remembers the magic backstage.
Don’t try to kid yourself.
Khris Davis wants a piece of you.
Wait, Khris Davis?
When did he get traded to Milwaukee?
Different Khris Davis.
Get your head out of your ass.
Just strike him out.
You know Howie Mandel tapped that.
He wore surgical gloves as he slapped her ass with vigor.
2 run single for Davis.
He loved your wife’s ass.
He wanted to fall asleep inside of it.
He wanted to make a spin-off TV show.
“Howie Does Your Wife”.
It would’ve killed in the 18-25 demographic ratings.

Scooter Gennett?
More like “Scoot Her Gay Net”.
Ha.
Ha ha.
Shut the fuck up, Clay.
You’re done.
A dead man.
Where’s your wife at?
Can you even feel your neck?
Throw the ball.
I dare you.
Triple dog dare.
Should’ve been a double dog dare.
Because Scooter doubled on you.
2 more runs score.
It’s over.
Hang up your glove.
Hang up your dignity.
4 Innings, 13 hits, 6 earned runs.
I only have one more question for you, Clay.
Are we having fun yet?

-TeeCoZee

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