I’d Rather Not Be In The 27 Club [Birthday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good late-morning, not mid-morning. It’s Friday, March 21, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 43˚ & sunny and somewhere, somebody is eating a plain egg sando for breakfast. Not me. I was smarter than that. I put prosciutto on it because I am an adult that can make his own stupid decisions! I also have a couple of things on my mind…

– I really hope 27 isn’t one of those crappy hype years that pass me by like nothing happened. Kind of like when I was 22, 24, 20 and 3. I’m hoping it’s more like 23, but with a 12 year old twist. Or a 12 year-old can of Pepsi Twist. I don’t know what that means. Sounds right. Wait, no, I do not want a moldy can of cola for my birthday. I don’t care how much Bob Dole is paying you!

– I went on 3 dates last year, LET’S GO!

Date #1: Do not remember her name, Lulu’s on Franklin St., 55 minutes. Synopsis: Claimed to be a baseball fan, turned out to be a Phillies fan instead. Avid practicing Quaker. She feigned a birthday party and left abruptly.

Date #2: Jill, Hotbird Atlantic Ave, Pacific Standard 4th Ave, Her Place., 3 dates approx. 9 hr 55 minutes. Synopsis: I actually really liked her, for reasons I don’t remember why. I guess she kind of reminded me of somebody I would actually want to spend time with. User of the line, “You wanna make out?” and an affinity towards doing that act in front of a Mets piñata. After 2 [seemingly great] dates, she made the mistake of inviting me to her christmas party. Although I thought things went really well, she cut things off the next morning. Meeting friends on the 3rd online meet-up = death blow. I kind of miss her. Not really.

Date #3: Do not remember her name, some pretentious place in Fort Greene, 2 hr 5 minutes. Synopsis: She was a neat freak that was raised mormon, claimed to not be able to get along with anybody and could only pretend to laugh at my jokes. I’m kind of surprised it lasted 2 hours. She probably was too. Of course I offered to meet up again as she faked interest in the prospect. She deleted her okCupz account 7-12 hours later.

– I was going to write The Thoughts™ last week while at the airport, but my day ended up being more stressful than expected. United Airlines doesn’t want my business. Who else do they not want business from? You and the rest of the world. I was in a pinch, so a flight had to be booked through them, but they weren’t having it. They said, “Fuck this, I don’t want to work today! He’s Delta’s problem now!”. Delta said “No problemo” and I got home. But that first flight was infinitely delayed due to malfunction. I wouldn’t make my connection in Cleveland and thank god, I don’t want to ride a broken plane anyways. But instead of booking me on another flight, they swept me under the rug and led me to believe I was on a flight. But no. I was on standby. In Atlanta. So I got permission to fly to Atlanta and then beg the gatekeeper to let me leave Atlanta. Very fun scenario. It ended well. On the way back to Atlanta New York, my United flight was cancelled due to “maintenance”. Huh? Maintenance? They’re going to lose the business of 150+ people because maintenance needs to be done? I’m kind of surprised that this company still exists. Also, I should never fly anywhere. It’s nothing but bad luck for me and the people on my flight. Also, I will forever be outspoken about how nobody should ever try to fly United. Because United doesn’t like flying. Or you.

– I’m still kind of baffled by the term, “buckwild”…

Quickly, 26 random memories from my 26th year:

1) Shooting dice.
2) Learning how to make GIFs.
3) Clam Chowder.
4) Finishing Breaking Bad.
5) Shivering in the cold moonlight, somewhere near the Adirondacks. I didn’t sleep at all, as my sleeping bag was far too light, my clothes were not layered enough, the bottom zipper of the bag was broken and the world around me was sticky from spilled apple cider. It was the first time I actually felt the need to chatter my teeth in order to find relief from the pain that was inflicting me. It didn’t work.
6) Being responsible for a cat for a short period of time/catsitting.
7) Writing an article about being traumatized by inanimate objects.
8) I probably went to Coney Island or something.
9) Sitting in Famous Daves during a downpour over Times Square. Joe lamented about how he needed an outfielder on his fantasy team. In a desperate attempt to further the conversation, I read off the bottom ticker of ESPN, which stated that right fielder, Y. Puig, was being called up by the Dodgers. The rest was history. #moonshotsinc
10) Seeing a cute British girl buying olives and prosciutto for lunch. I asked her to be my wife. She declined. So I emulated her lunch choices with delicious results.
11) Seeing a guy that at first I thought was Charles Bronson and having subsequent conversation about Bronson with him.
12) Nearly collapsing from exhaustion and cursing the song, “Rock Lobster”, for being 7 minutes long.
13) Holding a baby for the first time.
14) Eating prosciutto.
15) Finding the nude beach of Jacob Rhiis Park and still being too chicken to get any closer.
16) Seeing my doppelganger walking out of a port-a-potty near the Lincoln Tunnel, huge stogie hanging out of his mouth. We gave each other a finger gun salute.
17) Figuring out that to tailgate means to not remember the game at all.
18) Reading Infinite Jest for the 2nd time. The train was just pulling into Kingston-Throop when the words read, “…and the tide was way out.”
19) Seeing a tired old man staggering around Chinatown in the dead of night wearing a hat stating, “YOLO”.
20) Finding a place that I’ve never been to before while cursing myself for never realizing that it existed this entire time.
21) After pumping $5 into the machine, realizing that TMNT The Arcade Game is too difficult to be affordable. Also, the line of hipsters behind me wants to play as well.
22) Tossing the keys to one of my cashiers while demanding her to “Show me the money”. Then I realize that to my left is Cuba Gooding Jr. That story never gets old.
23) She sat underneath the tree crying, while the two of us went on and on about how much shittier our lives are and why she shouldn’t cry for having it better than us. I still smile at the thought of this, knowing that after being away from each other for 4 years, we were still the same cynical pricks that made us friends in the first place.
24) This quote: “So apparently Delta can change your flight to a more convenient one without telling you. And apparently they can upgrade you to first class without even asking. And apparently being first class means that I don’t have to carry my bags or wait in any line. What’s next? Being spoon fed caviar by an Anna Karina lookalike while The Grimace sprays champagne everywhere? I could get used to this.”
25) Training my iPhone to autocorrect “bahaha” to “bahahahahahamen”.
26) Catching an R-32 J train and riding it through Brooklyn. The result was shaky, as it’s really hard to get balance when you’re in the front window of a 50+ year old train car running express.

– In case you all were not aware, the world lost a great man last week. My grandfather, Frank Kligar, passed away at the age of 89. The funeral was a beautiful ceremony that he would’ve been proud of, especially because of the fact that it showed how loved he was by the people that knew him. And in a town as small as Chesaning, everybody knew him. It hasn’t even been that long and I already miss him. In that same regard, coming back to NY after a 3 day trip caused me to get dreadful sensations of homesickness that I rarely ever feel. For all of those that he left behind: he probably loved us more than we had the capacity to love anything. That’s why he fought it out for as long as he did. And when we seem him again, we’re going to have to eat green beans for dinner every night for the rest of eternity.

– Top 3 video games that I played in the last year:

3) Harvest Moon
2) Donkey Kong Country 2
1) RBI Baseball ’13

– Top 3 books that I read [for the first time] in the last year:

3) A Fan’s Notes
2) Flimsy Little Plastic Miracles
1) Ball Four

– Top 3 books that I didn’t finish in the last year:

3) This Is How You Lose Her
2) Bleeding Edge
1) Norwegian Wood

– I find it extremely difficult to keep up on birthday correspondence. I appreciate every one, but damn, there’s too many to count. My text backlog is 10 messages deep. I can’t deal with popularity.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Put your right foot in, put your right foot out. Put your right foot in and teach me how to Douggie.

Have a grandtacular weekend, everybody!