I’d Rather Meet A Girl That Knows Zack Wheeler’s ERA [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Mornin’. Is it still morning? Yep? Cool. It’s Friday, March 7, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 31˚ & cloudy and somewhere, someone is walking in on someone else taking a poop. Their relationship will never be the same. As for me, I keep the bathroom door locked and I have as few things on my mind.

– I find it to be somewhat cute that my apartment can be in total disarray, complete with water-damaged walls, holes in the ceiling, a lack of smoke detector & a kitchen light that is also prone to leaking, and my landlord is still not hesitating to show the place to prospective tenants for the low, low price of $775/month. There’s not many people in the world that is dumb enough to live here [read: me], but at least my rent is significantly lower. I look forward to not having a new roommate…

– I woke up today feeling a little blue. Just wasn’t myself, needed some cheering up. So I made myself a proscuitto sandwich, a surefire way to cure The Cozo Blues™. I felt nothing, couldn’t even finish it. So, I decided to walk around the house naked, pretending that people could see me and that was my middle finger to them for existing. Always cheers me up, but not this time. So I played some RBI Baseball while reciting some hate mail that I’d like to write to Magnavox. Still nothing. At this point, I only had one other option: masturbate. So I did that, all the while thinking about Belle Knox, the only porn star that I’ve felt even somewhat attracted to. Nothing. No change at all. This must be what depression is and I must have it bad. Just ask the Zoloft Mascot, when you no longer enjoy your favorite activities, you’re fucked forever and you should probably see a doctor to medicate your sad ass. But now that this has all been written, I can’t help but think of the disgusted faces on all of my readers [all 20 of them] as they’re forced to imagine me doing lewd things like eating proscuitto in the morning and hating Magnavox. The thought of it makes me immensely happy. I can still find joy in offending people. HOORAY! EAT MY SHORTS, SAD PEOPLE! I’M NORMAL!

– If a girl compliments your shirt or tie, do not follow up by saying, “Marry Me”. It never ends well.

– Sometimes when I’m shaving, I wonder if I’m doing it all wrong. After all, I have no recollection of shaving in front of other people. Would they just ignore me or point their fingers and say, “Look at that Doo-Doo Head! He’s shaving against the grain! Let’s all laugh at him!”. I don’t even know what shaving against the grain is and whether or not I should do it.

– A 20oz bottle of Mountain Dew has 77 grams of sugar. No wonder nobody came to my birthday party.

– Are the terms Schwag and Swag interchangeable? Like, is smoking Schwag weed a property of having Swag? Or can you be so Swaggy that you can smoke Schwag without catching heat for it? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

– The Top 3 Phrases I Said On OKCupid Last Week That Didn’t Elicit A Response:

3) Nature is dumb. Who needs it when we have all of these great buildings?!? They’re man-made, yo.
2) I think I’m afraid of dogs. Wait, no I’m not. Or maybe I am. I still haven’t decided whether or not I’m afraid of dogs. Deal with it.
1) Would you like to get a drink or a Four-Loko in the 7-11 parking lot while we quiz gas pumpers about Zack Wheeler’s stats with the fake prospect of potential fabulous prizes [including, but not limited to: Speedboats, Weekend Getaways, Lifetime Supplies of Gatorade®, Sportscars, A Mystery Box] sometime?

– In speaking of agreeable cupping, I was sitting in my usual spot on Monday and was subjected to 2 people on a Tinder date for a few hours, because Monday Night. It looked like the blind date from hell. She appeared to be extremely confident, but with very low self-esteem if that makes any sense. He was also self-deprecating, awkward, quiet and thought it would be a good idea to wear a Nirvana T-Shirt. But he also had a face that was chiseled by the Turkish Gods, which played a huge role in the progression of the evening. She spent the first hour talking about herself while he nodded and stared off into space. Example conversations included:

“Yeah, I left to escape Elizabeth…”
“It’s my hometown.”
“In Canada”

“It’s really refreshing to meet someone with a real American accent”
“Huh? Me?”

“Were you afraid that I’d be taller than you?”

At the hour-break, she appeared to be defeated and exasperated. She spent the 2nd hour insulting him and penetrating his shortcomings. During the 2nd intermission, I got a few words in with her and she was feeling optimistic about the whole thing. She was also on her 4th Bulleit Rye on the rocks. The 3rd hour, nothing but making out. Let that be a lesson to all the men of the world: It doesn’t matter how you dress, act or present yourself. You just need to have a good face and all will be right in the world. Also, women are morons and I am doomed.

– I’m feeling a really terrible urge to get out of town. The only problem is, if I do end up going out of town in the near future, it means that something bad has happened. I don’t really want to leave the city now. It’s good to know that I’m not getting stir-crazy enough to want something bad to happen. Maybe I’m just sick of winter. Maybe I’m also sick of people being sick of winter. Maybe I’m just sick. Maybe.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Go to the park. Spot some people jogging. Start chasing them. Record the human response.

Have a Schwaggy Weekend, everyone!