I’d Rather Not Be In A Manic Pixie Dream Girl Factory [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

February 28, 2014 by TeeCoZee

Good Moleman to you. It’s Friday, February 28, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 16˚ & Sunny and somewhere, Frank Kligar is probably fishing at the park, and even though he doesn’t know if he’ll come back and I’ve got no verification on where this park actually is, it breaks my heart to know that I can’t be there with him and I don’t know how to fish. I love you, Grandpa. I hope to see you again soon. In the meantime, I have a few things on my mind.

– In speaking of it being 16˚ in Brooklyn, Spike Lee wouldn’t know that. Spike Lee only comes to Brooklyn to publicly complain about Brooklyn. You see, back in 1999, Spike saw a small trickle of gentrification start in Williamsburg and he said to himself “Aw, hell naw”. What did he do? Move to a place that’s less susceptible to the White Man™ taking over? Nope. He moved to the Upper East Side, the only neighborhood in New York City where elderly white people can lock themselves inside and hide from the scary world out there. The fact that he happily lives there immediately devalues any type of credit he might have. Here’s some other fun facts about Spike Lee:

* In 2010, he gave himself permission to sell out the entire borough and spearhead a brand of vodka called Absolut Brooklyn. It tasted like the Gowanus Canal and I don’t think people were offended enough.
* He’s one of the few people [read: in the 21st century] that can make a fortune off deliberately being a bigot and never get criticized for it.
* He hasn’t made a good movie since Crooklyn. That was 21 years ago. And he makes movies all the goddamned time. I dare you to watch She Hate Me. You won’t.
* He believes that only white people own dogs. Not true. A few Hawaiians do as well.
* The famous lecture he gave this week was at the Pratt Institute. Although it’s been in the neighborhood for well over 100 years, its student body is 47.4% white and can be blamed for a good portion of the rampant gentrification of West Bed-Stuy and Clinton Hill. So, who is he trying to educate?
* He once took a really amazing poop. And didn’t wash his hands.
* He has lungs.

Now go back to Massachusetts!

– I watched a Subaru commercial earlier because Subaru. It featured an early-twentysomething girl struggling to change a tire. She changes the tire. Her dad pops into view and congratulates her. Then, in narration, the Dad claims that he wanted to teach her responsibility, so he bought her a Subaru. Because Subaru is the only brand of car that has changeable tires. Wait, what?

– The more I think about it, I don’t think I ever want to go to Williamsburg again. Maybe I’m just getting old, but the bar scene is becoming something that I don’t understand. I went there last weekend. It was essentially an overcrowded upscale saloon where the bartenders take 20 minutes to mix a drink [as you pay them $1 per minute] and do nothing impressive except show off the fact that they exercise with Shake Weights. If you’re some chump that’s waiting for a $4 Narragansett, you’re going to be waiting a long time. The clientele isn’t much to be desired, either. Some people may enjoy being surrounded by Manic Pixie Dream Girls. Not me. It’s fucking annoying. Don’t get me wrong, every bar needs one or two, just to keep spirits high. But when you fill the bar with them, it’s a disaster. You suddenly feel like you’re in a mannequin factory, trying to figure out which one is possessed by Kim Cattrall. If it’s already been established that these creations aren’t real and have no souls, then why would you pack a bar full of them? So they can talk amongst themselves and roll their eyes every time somebody makes the rookie mistake of starting a conversation with them? There was one patron in particular that caught our attention. After observing her mannerisms, eye movement and physical position at the bar, we couldn’t decide if she was a prostitute, transvestite or an alcoholic. WILLIAMSBURG: WE HAVE FUN®!

– One of the new features of Life Alert is GPS tracking. The commercial features a woman of indiscernible age panicking in front of a brick wall. She pages Life Alert and cries for help. Somebody is following her! In effect, Life Alert starts following her. Now she has two people following her! Life Alert = Big Brother XXIX.

– So the baseball season started this week. Err…spring training started this week. Now we’ve got a whole month o–

[This week’s Friday Thoughts has been interrupted due to the fact that Coze pays $60/month for internet that only works 60% of the time. In effect, this whole thing was carelessly edited while riding the C train. God bless technology. To close it out, here’s a joke he stole from someone else:]